Needs and love and sins and safety

Sometimes I think the biggest issue in my marriage so far isn't our miscommunications or our busyness or the transitory feeling of living in a place that's not our own or learning how to adapt to each other, although those have all caused problems already (I think I'm learning how to make up after arguments along with everything else!). Sometimes, I think the biggest issue is my own neediness.

I need so many things! I need to feel that Paul loves me, and cares about me, and wants to hear my thoughts, and desires to be with me, and enjoys spending time with me. If I feel like he doesn't do these things, I get so lonely and sorrowful inside (although it is typically just caused by a perception or communication problem). But should I be needing these things from him? Shouldn't I just be able to find all my contentment and happiness in God, regardless of what Paul is feeling towards me or what I think he's feeling towards me? If I didn't have these needs for love and time and consideration and respect and so on, I think, I wouldn't be so demanding or so easily hurt, and we'd have far fewer issues in our relationship. To have these needs (and I feel presumptuous calling them needs instead of wants, but I really do need them to feel like our relationship is thriving and to stay joyful and hopeful in it) almost seems sinful to me. I shouldn't have any weaknesses, or at least I shouldn't admit to having them.

So my typical train of thought goes, and I become ashamed of these needs, and I try to pretend they don't exist - that I'm not hurt when Paul doesn't communicate well and I feel like he doesn't care about, for instance, or that I don't care whether he spends time with me or not because I'm self-sufficient and don't need him around. When we were driving back from our week in Sequoia, though, I borrowed a book from Paul's brother and his wife called Truefaced and it's been giving me a lot to think about. One of the hardest things for me to accept, out of everything it said, was that our needs are not sinful. That God actually gave us needs even before the Fall. That without needs we can't ever fully or truly experience and receive love, because meeting someone's needs is a huge part of showing them love (except in the case of our love for God, of course, where we show it by gratitude, worship, and obedience). How could I know God's love for me if I didn't admit that I needed Him in so many ways first?

When I read that paragraph I put the book down for a bit and thought a bit. My first reaction was to completely deny it all. Needs are sinful - how could they be otherwise? They're self-focused and greedy and grasping. But it is true that God created Adam and Eve with a need for fellowship, and gave them each other; a need for Himself, and walked with them in the garden; and a need for food, and supplied them with more than they could ask for. He showered His love upon them in their sinlessness by meeting all the needs that were inherent within them. So I picked up the book again and reread the chapter - and reread it again, and then again. Then I didn't read anymore for a few days. This is taking a while to sink in.

Maybe, if I didn't have these needs, I wouldn't ever feel that rush of joy when Paul looks at me with love in his eyes and I know that he wants to be with me the rest of his life. His love would be an extraneous luxury instead of something that meets one of the deepest needs in my heart. That would ruin our relationship more than my needs ever could. So I'm trying to be honest about them now, instead of pretending they aren't there (I was never very good at pretending that anyhow!), but it's really hard, and it's really kind of frightening sometimes. If I have no needs, you see, I can't be hurt and I'm safe from losing love. If I have needs that you can meet - that only you can meet, as in my relationship with Paul - then I am not safe at all. But you know what I think? You know what I know even when I feel exactly the opposite?

Love is far, far better than safety.