Grilled cheese sandwiches and the grace of God

Shortly after we were married (so a little over a week ago :P), my husband (it's still weird saying that) and I were talking about how I'm a bit of a perfectionist, especially when it comes to myself. I deeply desire to be perfect - to accomplish every task I set for myself to the standards I set, without wasting time or effort. If I don't meet those expectations I have for myself, I can feel really bad. Like, crying uncontrollably because I slightly overcooked the grilled cheese kind of bad (it's kind of extreme...). For me, relationships fall under the umbrella of "tasks I must carry out perfectly" as well, so I'm always afraid that I've said the wrong thing or not shown enough care or not paid enough attention, and I can emotionally break down pretty easily here too.

Anyway, Paul said something about this whole situation that I thought was pretty wise, which was that even if I managed to be perfect according to my definition of perfect, I might not be doing what God wanted, because His definition of perfect might be different than mine, and His desire for my life and heart and attitude and achievements might also be different than mine. This has made me think a lot about my perfectionism. I used to tell myself that it was just fine to be so perfectionist because it just affected me - I didn't try to hold anyone else to my standards or make them feel bad or judged or anything, I just wanted to be the best I could be. But I think I took it farther than I should have, to the point where I valued meeting my own standards of perfection more than seeking God on His terms. In a way I was acting like I could make myself perfect without His grace, which will never happen. And because it can never happen, and I can tell it isn't happening, I can get really depressed, or defensive, or angry, or hopeless, depending on the moment.

I think God wants me to trust Him and receive grace from Him to get me through life, instead of trusting myself and trying to make myself perfect to win His approval and the approval of other people. That is just so hard when I want so desperately not to fail at anything, and to be able to feel like I have earned the love of other people and of God. But I could never earn His love. No one can. And what's more, He has already completely approved and accepted us through Jesus Christ, and declared us to be righteous in Him. The kind of perfection I'm striving after is nothing compared to that righteousness He's given me! So I'm not saying I'm going to change overnight here, but this is definitely something I want to keep in mind, to try to set my focus straight on seeking God even though that means I have to accept His grace instead of doing everything myself. And you know what? Maybe then I won't be so upset about the little things (like burnt grilled cheese) and I'll have more energy and enthusiasm for the things in life that really matter :)