Marriage is hard because I am a sinner

I've decided that marriage is hard, but not in the ways people warned me about.

They told me we would have disagreements and fights and get angry at each other over trivial things. They told me that we would both begin the marriage with unrealistic expectations of the other person, and have to deal with the disappointment of realizing they weren't all we thought they would be. They told me we would have conflicts over the patterns of daily life, like who uses the shower when, and how clean the room should be, and what time someone ought to be home. Have we had any of that? Yes, most definitely. (And mostly because of me - Paul has been really patient, understanding, and thoughtful through this whole transition period). But that hasn't really been the hardest part for me.

You know what's hard? What's hard is coming home after a long day and simultaneously wanting to cry in his arms, cool off by myself with a book, make him dinner because I love him, and hear how his day went. What's hard is learning how to manage my needs and wants and his needs and wants at the same time, without burning out and crashing or being totally self-centered. What's hard is wanting to love and be loved while at the same time being petrified with fear that he'll be upset with me or reject me. What's hard is overcoming the emotions that keep me from trusting someone I know to be incredibly trustworthy, and not spiraling downward into inaction from feeling like such a failure in that area. What's hard is wanting to be perfect for him because he's so wonderful, and constantly falling short. What's hard is needing to receive grace from Paul and from God just to get through normal life. Sigh.

I guess marriage is hard for me because it puts so much strain on my pride, my proud and arrogant desire to be self-sufficient and independent, and my impossible wish to be able to give love without being vulnerable in response. If that is why, though, it's a good reason. Those things need to be dethroned! Hopefully these hard aspects of marriage will be a catalyst to deepen my relationship with God, my understanding of His grace, and my love for Paul - and then it will all be worth it :)