You have put gladness in my heart

Sometimes it seems that we are alone in our pursuit of truth - or rather, because the plural "we" gives a different feel to the word "alone", sometimes it seems to each one of us that he or she as a single individual is alone in his or her pursuit of God, that there are no fellow-companions fighting the same battles, seeking the same good, or walking the same path. In Psalm 4, I think, we see someone feeling just that way: someone who is attempting to follow God and who desires to live in righteousness and truth, but who sees all around him people seeking after the lies of this world and setting their hearts' love on worthless and insignificant things. And it is discouraging, for the psalmist and for any of us, to feel that way. When the psalmist says in verse 5 to "offer the sacrifices of righteousness," I think that persevering through this kind of loneliness and discouragement by faith is one of the sacrifices that he might have had in mind (another one, from v4, would seem to be controlling our anger and frustration with those who are pursuing sinful or temporal things and perhaps scorning our pursuit of goodness and truth). For righteousness does require sacrifice, and the denial of our pride and self-centeredness, on at least a daily level.

But sacrifice is not the end of the story, and the psalmist, fittingly, doesn't end there. When temporal things fade or fail, as they invariably must, or when worldly expectations or human relationships disappoint, if we have made those things the goal of our life then we will be left asking, in hard times, "who will show us any good?" (v6) - but if our heart's desire is to know and follow God, then even in those hard times we will know His joy and be filled with His peace. The joy that comes from knowing God surpasses even the greatest happiness that temporal prosperity can bring. It can be hard to believe that sometimes - when the harvest is coming in with its abundance of riches and rejoicing, and it seems as if no joy could ever be more complete, or when the world is falling apart into tattered gray rags and it feels as though no happiness could ever break through into that dismal half-light. But the joy that God can put in our hearts - the gladness that comes from the Lord of eternity - can endure through the dark times and shine brighter in the good than even the sun himself at his zenith.

Building love upon knowledge and joy upon truth

From The Practice of the Presence of God, by Brother Lawrence:

"That we ought to make a great difference between the acts of the understanding and those of the will: that the first were comparatively of little value, and the others, all. That our only business was to love and delight ourselves in God."

Note first that he does not say acts of the understanding are of no value. In attempting to correct one error, we have a tendency to swing to the other extreme - to say that, because we have previously strayed (or seen others stray) by valuing and seeking intellectual knowledge without the corresponding practice of virtue and devotion, we must completely abandon the pursuit of knowledge and simply attempt to live ethically and with love. But what we see taught here is that the acts of the understanding do still have value for the Christian. And when we think about it, we see that it must be so, for the acts of the understanding create for us a compass of truth, giving direction and guidance to the acts of the will. Without that compass, our will would be adrift in the chaos of ever-changing opinion, confused, "tossed to and fro and carried about by every wave of doctrine" (Eph. 4:14), without direction or purpose, never attaining to the great and glorious end for which God has created us.

However, it is equally clear that to stop here, having obtained a working compass, would be insufficient. Simply knowing the direction we ought to travel will not lead to the completion of the voyage! This is why the acts of the will are of such great value: it is by them, by choosing to "love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind" (Mt. 22:37) and to find in Him our soul's true pleasure and delight, that the ship actually sails. By the acts of our will we show whether we are following the direction our understanding has established, or ignoring it in favor of some other course; by them also - and only by them - we advance towards the destination of our voyage: full holiness and true unity with God.

Sharing happiness

Last night, the church in whose kids' program I volunteer had a pine car derby race for the kids - they buy kits a few weeks in advance and get to carve and paint the cars, and everyone has a great time. Anyway, I was watching one of the first-graders who happened to be sitting near me, who had a decently fast car. When his car sped down the track for a win, he would burst with happiness - fist in the air, big grin, etc. - and his brother would congratulate him and his mom would cheer. It was really sweet! But what really struck me was that a little later, when the older kids raced and his brother's car won a race, he responded with the same incredible expression of happiness. There was no difference; whether the joy of the win belonged to him or to his brother, he exploded with excitement and delight. His brother and mom were the same way, cheering with equal enthusiasm no matter who in their family happened to be racing and doing well.

And as I watched them I thought, this is how we're supposed to be. As members of the family of God, this is how we're supposed to act and feel towards one another: to be genuinely happy and delighted when someone else does well and is excited, just as we are happy when we ourselves do well. We don't need to quench our joy at our own successes - we need to expand and increase our joy at the successes of our brothers (and sisters!) in Christ, so that whenever one of them finds victory or success or answered prayer, we can burst with the shared happiness on their behalf.

Candle of joy, candle of song

Tonight we light the third candle of Advent. Traditionally this candle is pink, or rose - the liturgical color representing joy, in contrast to the somber purple candles of the other three weeks denoting Advent as a time of repentance and preparation for the coming Messiah. In our house, to begin this week, we read Isaiah 35, which is a beautiful picture of the fulfillment of joy that will come to be on earth when Jesus returns, and of which we can see glimpses here and now since His first coming so long ago.

When Jesus returns, even the wilderness and the desert will sing with joy for the restoration and the healing that He will bring, for He will relieve their barrenness and cause springs of waters to gush forth from them and make their wasted lands blossom like the rose! If He is blessing even the physical inanimate earth with such life and beauty, how could He not bless its people also? In the following verses, we see that He does: the blind will see, the deaf will hear, the lame will dance, and the mute shall sing!

And the redeemed of the Lord shall walk through the now-beautiful wilderness on the Highway of Holiness, on which no wicked man or ravenous beast may walk, towards the land of the promise and the presence of the Lord - towards our home and the place of our belonging. We shall walk with everlasting joy on our heads like crowns of splendor, and we shall be singing as we come.

While the fulfillment of this prophecy is still to come, I believe that it is, in a spiritual sense, in the hearts and lives of the people of God, foreshadowed even now. Where the Spirit is at work in the world, there life springs forth from what once was dead and barren, and the blind eyes of sinful hearts are opened to the truth, and our crippled spirits dance in praise to the God who has saved us. And as we follow Christ on the narrow way He spoke of in the Gospels, we figuratively walk on the Highway of Holiness, safe from the schemes of man and from the devil who walks about like a devouring lion, coming out of exile to the land where we truly belong, rejoicing in the promises and the home that await us at the end of the road.

First Day of Thanks

For the week leading up to Thanksgiving, I thought it would be really neat to take some time each day to remember some of the blessings I have, for which I am very grateful! It can be so easy for me to focus on the problems in my life (especially now when school is busy and the holidays, with all their corresponding obligations and expectations, are looming near), but in reality I have so much to be thankful for, and focusing on those things is a wonderful way to cultivate contentment and joy in my heart.


Today I am thankful for...

...a warm bed to wake up in and the chance to start off my day with a hot shower!

...a husband who is home with me (instead of deployed, for example) and lets me snuggle up next to him in the morning when I wake up and don't want to get out of bed yet

...a job with flexible hours that allows me to take classes part-time and gives us an income to live on

...all the kids at Awana on Wednesday night! Working with those kids is one of the highlights of my week :)

...delicious perfect pomegranates from my parents' tree

...the special berries that my husband got for me on Tuesday! Berries in November - crazy, right? Only in Arizona, I guess :)

...a Bible of my own, in my heart language, and the ability to read it and draw closer to God through it.

...amazing grace that never lets me go!

A path to lasting joy

When someone serves you thoughtfully and lovingly, it can really make you feel awesome! For instance, when I got home from work yesterday and was relaxing for a minute on the couch while baking cake after dinner (I tend to make my evenings as busy at home as my days are busy away from home), Paul casually rubbed my foot and it felt so good. I hadn't realized how tense and sore my feet and legs were! But you know what was even better? When I mentioned how good that little rub made me feel, he got all excited and asked if he could rub my feet! Oh my goodness that was nice. It was a kind and thoughtful act performed in a way that made me feel special to him instead of a burden on him (serving with a poor attitude can make the person you're helping feel worse than if you'd done nothing, unfortunately), and it filled up my heart with gratitude and love. But if I came home every night and expected Paul to serve me, without doing or even desiring to do anything for him out of my love for him, that joy I feel in receiving his love would soon fade and wither away. Joy and self-centeredness cannot coexist. Pleasure can survive for a while longer, but even that eventually dies under the scorching sun of selfishness, and in time the one served comes to look upon the one loving and serving with contempt (unless by God's grace the hardened heart is softened enough to begin to love in return). So I find that in giving myself and my time and my energy to Paul - to try to serve him and love him thoughtfully, gently, and reverently - not thinking of what I might gain but of how I might pour over him the fullness of my love for him - a spring of joy starts up in my own soul. By choosing to make another's happiness my goal, even though I do it stumbling like a child learning to walk, I find more true happiness and joy for myself than if I had pursued my own wellbeing with all the passion and strength I could muster. It's interesting how that works, isn't it? When we follow the commands of God - to consider others better than ourselves, to look out for their needs, or to imitate Jesus in our relationships with other people (and remember, He washed His disciples' feet!) - we end up with more joy and peace and fulfillment than when we try to forge our own paths to obtain those things! Now let's see if I can remember this the next time I'm in the middle of a conflict between doing what I know is best, to show love for someone else, and doing what makes me feel comfortable and happy in the moment...

Complaining in the face of His goodness

"Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget not all His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." - Psalm 103:2-5

I tend to complain a lot sometimes. Even the smallest thing, like forgetting the envelope for a birthday card or not getting a left turn arrow on my drive home, can make me irritated or cause me to feel like a failure (depending on whether or not I feel like the problem should have been within my control). I don't keep the blessings of God in my perspective, and so all those countless little things that happen every day appear to be of gargantuan proportions. Honestly, it can be quite overwhelming!

But here I am reminded of all the amazing things that God is doing for me faithfully and constantly, through all the little ups and downs of life. I may sin, and sin is bad and hurts me and the other people involved - but it is not the end of the world because God is forgiving my sins. I may feel like a broken failure of a person, spiritually and relationally and emotionally, but I can put my hope in God who will heal and transform me. I may think that everything in my life is going wrong and know that I am powerless to pull everything back together into order and goodness, but I can trust in God who has before and always will redeem me from the destruction that lays in wait for my life. In the midst of all the struggles and sorrows and hardships of life - however trivial or however significant - I can remember that God freely pours out on me His great love and kindness and mercy, and delights to refresh and renew me even as I walk weary and burdened through the dark valley. With such a God, there is no reason for me to complain, and every reason for me to live each day with thanksgiving and joy.

The progress of temptation

"For first cometh to the mind the simple suggest, then the strong imagination, afterwards pleasure, evil affection, assent. And so little by little the enemy entereth in altogether, because he was not resisted at the beginning." - Thomas a Kempis, Imitation of Christ.

At the root of a lot (if not all) of my emotional struggles is pride and a love of self. I don't want to fail, I want people to admire and respect me, and I want to receive praise and approval. I want to be perfect before men and God so that I don't have to worry about losing their love or esteem. So when I make a mistake at work, or say something out of turn, or unintentionally offend someone, it is a really big deal to me - not because it isn't glorifying to God, but because it reflects badly on me. The focus is all on myself. Because of this, I become angry, frustrated, sad, discouraged, and even despairing far too easily. Those emotions aren't necessarily sinful in and of themselves, but they are in this context the sinful fruit of pride and self-love and the choice to believe in a lie rather than in God's revealed truth.

So often, when I feel those emotions beginning to stir within me, I give in to them. I'm simultaneously terrified and intrigued by the depths of darkness to which they can take me, and so the sin doesn't long remain a simple suggestion - it almost immediately becomes a strong imagination, difficult to cast out of my mind, and in a perverse way I even find myself taking pleasure in the darkness. It becomes familiar and comfortable, even as it is hateful to me, and the simple knowledge of how different life would be without that darkness makes me nervous about trying to entirely leave it behind me (it's like the attachment of the ghost in C.S. Lewis's Great Divorce to the lizard on his shoulder that makes him miserable - even as he wants to be free, he can hardly stand to make the choice to irrevocably lose the odious creature). I like knowing I can retreat there, to my refuge of pain and pride, when I need to. But God is a far better refuge, and the joy He offers is far greater and richer.

Simply joy, part 2

"In the midst of my anxieties within me,

Your comforts delight my soul."

- Psalm 94:19

That's a pretty good picture of joy, I think. Even as he struggles with fear and worry, he finds delight in his heart because he trusts and rests in the mercy and comfort of God. He may not be completely and wholeheartedly happy, but he does have a deep happiness rooted in his relationship with God that wars against the sorrow and anxiety brought on by the misfortunes of life and the sin of himself and others.

Remembering the greater reality, so often obscured by the small disjointed pieces of life we observe every day, gives us a foundation for lasting happiness, deep joy, and secure contentment; it allows us to be happy - truly and authentically happy - in the worst of circumstances.

Simply joy, part 1

All too often we equate following God with unpleasant duty through which we must drag our protesting selves, with tedium and dreariness from which we enviously eye the forbidden pleasures of sin. Life isn't always rainbows and roses - in fact, it is often quite full with sorrow and pain - but this caricature of what it is to follow God is so wrong and unfair that it makes me more angry than I can verbally express.

To know God is to know joy, and in His presence is fullness of joy. He pours out goodness and love over us, and crowns us with blessings far beyond what we need. Just think - the first miracle Jesus did was to turn water into wine at a wedding feast!

"This is not a case of people starving, as when in the wilderness Jesus fed them, or of disease and suffering when He in love delivered them from it. This was a simply a superfluity, a luxury; they had no wine, and what does this mean? - for it is a sign, and must signify something.

That God created man not merely that he should endure existence, that he should drag through life, but that he should rejoice; that there should be a happiness, a festivity, a gladness within him; not only that he should be reconciled to his existence and have what is needful, but that he should feel within him a music, a rhythm; that he should be able to say, It is a joy to live, He hath crowned me with loving-kindness and tender mercies" - Adolph Saphir, quoted in Earthen Vessels by Matthew Lee Anderson

Living intentionally: the little hills rejoice on every side

"You crown the year with Your goodness,
And Your paths drip with abundance.
They drop on the pastures of the wilderness,
And the little hills rejoice on every side.
The pastures are clothed with flocks;
The valleys also are covered with grain;
They shout for joy, they also sing." - Psalm 65:11-13

God delights in blessing, in providing, in pouring out His goodness and love upon His people. He rejoices in bringing abundance out of the wilderness and joy out of sorrow when we walk in His ways. It just sometimes takes a while, like it takes plants time to grow and bear fruit each year, but that doesn't mean that He isn't trustworthy or good. When His abundance bears a rich harvest in our hearts, we will shout and sing with the overwhelming, heartrending joy of it all! And while the harvest is in the making, when the abundance isn't always so obvious, I will choose to trust Him and find joy in Him (you know, as much as I can, and definitely leaning on His grace for it. Trust and joy are really hard for me sometimes, but they're where I want to be.)

Taste and see

I have so much to write about that it's overwhelming! But here is one small thought while I have a moment.

Sometimes I don't experience God's help and love and comfort because I push it away. I tell Him and myself that I don't deserve it, or that I don't need it (because I don't want to admit that I'm hurting and weak). So then as I sit there in my hurt, which is often self-inflicted, I start to question whether God cares about me. Obviously He does! He only feels distant because I am afraid to draw near to Him, because I am afraid to have weaknesses and needs and thus am afraid to receive His love.

"Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!" - Psalm 34:8

If I refuse to eat or even taste the food that is offered to me, how can I judge whether or not He is good? And every time I have chosen to trust Him, I have seen that He is indeed very good, and that with trust come blessing and joy.

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

If you listen to Christian radio on a regular basis, you're probably familiar with Laura Story's song "Blessings". I know I've heard it many times! Today I listened a little more closely to the lyrics, though, and all of a sudden this song that had just been another nice song had me almost crying as I drove to work.

"We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear.
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near.
We doubt Your goodness,
We doubt Your love,
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough.
And all the while You hear each desperate plea,
And long that we'd have faith to believe"

It is so true! When I'm struggling with sins I can't conquer, or feelings I can't control, or desires I know I shouldn't have but can't get rid of, I start to get angry with God. I'm like, I have come to You about these things so many times, so why am I still struggling with them? Are You still there? Do You still love me? And I do this despite the countless times that I have felt Him holding me in the midst of sorrow and protecting me when I have felt utterly alone and helpless. The testimony of the Word and of my own life is that God is unfailingly faithful, unconditionally loving, and unalterably righteous, and that He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5), and it seems to me that trusting Him to be those things will cause joy to bloom even in the most barren and desolate times.