My answers... or thoughts... or preliminary half-thoughts...

So if you remember, in my last post I posed some questions and promised that I'd give my answers tonight. Well, now it is tonight, so here they are, such as they are :P

I definitely agree with the first paragraph I quoted earlier. I have seen in my own life the suffocating effects of trying to dominate every area of my life with pure reason - it doesn't work, and it leaves me feeling like a failure because I am unable to completely get rid of the emotions I don't approve of. So it is interesting to me to think that maybe these emotions (even the ones I can't stand!) have a God-given purpose and I should learn to use them, together with reason, in my life. I can see how feeling things fully and honestly can bring more richness to my life - the richness and wild beauty of passion to complement the structure and order that reason provide.

My problem is finding out how to balance the two practically. Either I'm trying to live without emotion, just by reason (which leaves me feeling depressed because I fail), or my emotions burst out of control and reason seems to completely abandon me (which ends up hurting the people around me without resolving anything). I prefer the first option to the second personally, but it isn't great either, and it turns out that it can hurt other people too because they feel shut out of my life. So I've been endeavoring to obtain more of a balance in this area.

One idea that has been really helpful with striving for balance is that of emotion serving as a sort of guidepost to my heart and beliefs. That way, I can use reason to figure out where my emotions are coming from and what they are trying to tell me, and based off of that joint conclusion I can decide how to move on from there. For example, when I wake up tired and can't seem to get going in the morning (say I'm half an hour behind my ideal schedule), I can get extremely angry or sad. Like, calling myself mean names, slamming things around, hopelessly crying kind of things. It's a bit excessive.

But instead of calling myself a failure for feeling this way and trying to ignore all that emotion and stuff it back in, I could try to figure out why this little situation is causing me to respond in such an extreme way. What is the root cause of my anger and sadness? What false belief have I built into my heart that is making my emotions be so out of whack? In this case, it's the belief that I have to be perfect to be loved and that self-discipline is the key to that perfection. So when I mess up in some little area of self-discipline - like getting up on time even after a bad night - I take it really hard because it says to me, "you don't have self-discipline at all, and you're not perfect, and so no one is going to love you." Instead of trying to get rid of the emotion, then, which is merely the symptom, I need to get rid of the false and hurtful belief that lies at its root.

I'm just starting to try to think this way, but I believe it could be quite helpful :) What do you all think?

Could You just fix me now?

Yesterday, I was angry at God. I don't think I am angry at God very often, because for me to be angry at Him means that I have decided in my own head what is right and good and loving and have judged Him for not doing that. Usually I do a better job of trusting Him - being confused and bewildered and hurt, but coming to Him for comfort rather than in anger. But I didn't want comfort yesterday. I didn't want to be held in His love or to rest in His mercy or to find strength in His grace. I just wanted Him to do what I have prayed so long that He would do (which is to get rid of the darkness and depression that I tend to struggle with).

I'm not quite as angry today but I still don't want comfort. I want change! I want my heart and my mind to be transformed, for the struggle to completely disappear so I won't have to constantly wrestle with it! And you know what? I can't do that on my own. I've tried, and I know! Fixing myself just isn't feasible, and every time I try I am left feeling more and more like a failure. So I'm dependent on God for this, and because I obviously can't control Him either I'm stuck waiting for Him to act in His timing and plan (which I know intellectually is better than mine, but I still don't like waiting!).

As I keep thinking about this, though, this one particular passage keeps coming to my mind (who knows, maybe God is trying to make me listen...). I identify with Paul when he says, "Concerning this thing (which he describes as a "messenger of Satan to buffet me") I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me." It feels a bit self-exalting to say that I identify with Paul in something but I don't mean it that way. I just want this darkness to go away forever, and I keep pleading with God to take it away, and He doesn't seem to be doing so. Maybe He wants me to learn that when He says "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness," He means it and it is true. That's a hard verse to live by, though. Sometimes I think I would much rather be fixed and not have to depend on His grace quite so much! But this idea of His strength being made perfect in my weakness - I like that part. I like the thought of His power resting on me, and His glory shining through me. So I'm going to try to keep putting my struggle in this light, whenever it feels too strong for me, and remember that His strength is there in my weakness. I don't think just reading this verse is going to fix anything, but maybe it will help encourage me to press on in faith.