Could You just fix me now?

Yesterday, I was angry at God. I don't think I am angry at God very often, because for me to be angry at Him means that I have decided in my own head what is right and good and loving and have judged Him for not doing that. Usually I do a better job of trusting Him - being confused and bewildered and hurt, but coming to Him for comfort rather than in anger. But I didn't want comfort yesterday. I didn't want to be held in His love or to rest in His mercy or to find strength in His grace. I just wanted Him to do what I have prayed so long that He would do (which is to get rid of the darkness and depression that I tend to struggle with).

I'm not quite as angry today but I still don't want comfort. I want change! I want my heart and my mind to be transformed, for the struggle to completely disappear so I won't have to constantly wrestle with it! And you know what? I can't do that on my own. I've tried, and I know! Fixing myself just isn't feasible, and every time I try I am left feeling more and more like a failure. So I'm dependent on God for this, and because I obviously can't control Him either I'm stuck waiting for Him to act in His timing and plan (which I know intellectually is better than mine, but I still don't like waiting!).

As I keep thinking about this, though, this one particular passage keeps coming to my mind (who knows, maybe God is trying to make me listen...). I identify with Paul when he says, "Concerning this thing (which he describes as a "messenger of Satan to buffet me") I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me." It feels a bit self-exalting to say that I identify with Paul in something but I don't mean it that way. I just want this darkness to go away forever, and I keep pleading with God to take it away, and He doesn't seem to be doing so. Maybe He wants me to learn that when He says "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness," He means it and it is true. That's a hard verse to live by, though. Sometimes I think I would much rather be fixed and not have to depend on His grace quite so much! But this idea of His strength being made perfect in my weakness - I like that part. I like the thought of His power resting on me, and His glory shining through me. So I'm going to try to keep putting my struggle in this light, whenever it feels too strong for me, and remember that His strength is there in my weakness. I don't think just reading this verse is going to fix anything, but maybe it will help encourage me to press on in faith.