He has not forsaken us

One of the deepest emotional pains that one can feel, I believe, is the fear or belief that God is not love, or that one is not loved by God, or that God's grace is not sufficient to cover one's sins, or that God is distant and displeased (they are all permutations of the same feeling, I think). When one has known and seen God, and experienced His love and mercy, He becomes the deepest desire of one's heart; He overwhelms us with the torrents of His love, and we respond with adoration. So at any point after that, if we begin to fear that we have lost that love through some sin we have committed or righteousness we have left undone, the pain of that fear will penetrate to the depths of our heart like a dagger that stabs and a club that crushes.

Unfortunately, the emotional nature of this fear makes it incredibly difficult to counter! Reminding ourselves of the truth of God's love, going back to the cross and remembering the pain He suffered on our behalf, and repeating the assurances of His grace to ourselves time and again are all good things to do, and they can help restore a soul to joy and confidence in Christ - but I think it is also good to cry to God in the midst of our fear, as the author of Psalm 6 does. For an emotional pain there must be an emotion outlet and an emotional healing.

"O Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger,
Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure.
Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am weak;
O Lord, heal me, for my bones are troubled.
My soul also is greatly troubled;
But You, O Lord - how long?
Return, O Lord, deliver me!
Oh, save me for Your mercies' sake!
For in death there is no remembrance of You;
In the grave who will give You thanks?" - Psalm 6:1-5

The truth that he knows - God's mercy and deliverance of His people, His righteousness and healing power - is interspersed with what he feels and fears - that God is angry with him, and has forsaken him, and is abandoning him to death; the desperate plea of v3 captures it perfectly: "But You, O Lord - how long?" In his head, he knows that in God is deliverance and salvation; he knows that God will rescue him and not abandon him. But in his heart, he feels that God has already forsaken him - that the pain and the trials have continued longer than he can bear already, and that God is not with him in them. It's a place we've all been in, I think, particularly if a specific trial or struggle (read: external problem or internal sin issue) has lingered with us for any length of time. You said You would sanctify me, Lord! Why do I still struggle and fail so much with this one temptation? And You said You would be with me always and work all things for good, Lord! Why is my life such a wreck of circumstances, then? Why do my endeavors wither and die instead of prospering when I'm trying to follow You?

But there is beauty even in that emotional plea, twisted as it is by the lies the world has spun about the impermanence of love and the impossibility of grace, because he is trying desperately to feel and believe the truth that he knows - and because, at the end, there is hope. Our cries to God do not have to be perfect or sinless for Him to hear us; He hears our weeping and our supplication, no matter how weak and frail and faithless we are, and He will receive our prayers. He has not forsaken us, and He never will; His love has not failed us and His grace will endure through all eternity.

Praying against temptation

After Jesus had the Passover dinner with His disciples (which we now remember as the Last Supper), He went to the Mount of Olives to pray, and told His disciples to pray also, that they might not succumb to temptation. But they didn't pray. He prayed in such agony of spirit that, according to the gospel of Luke, His sweat became like drops of blood; Matthew says He was deeply distressed and sorrowful. After all, He knew what was about to happen! Because He desired to obey His Father's will, however, even more than He wanted to avoid the suffering into which He was about to surrender Himself, He prayed, fervently and earnestly.

A little ways off, His disciples slept. They didn't sleep simply because they were tired and out late and didn't realize the distress that Jesus was in: Luke tells us that they slept from sorrow. He had just told them at dinner that He would be betrayed, and suffer, and die; that He would leave them; and that one of them, Peter, would deny Him at the moment of truth. And so although they didn't fully understand what Jesus was talking about - their responses to Him in the book of John make that clear! - they could certainly tell that something was wrong, and that something great and dreadfully sad and painful was forthcoming. So sleep offered them a welcome escape from the sorrow and the bewilderment. Instead of having to wrestle with their worries and fears, with all that they didn't understand, and with Jesus' obvious sorrow and ominous warnings, they could rest in peaceful oblivion. I'm sure it seemed like a good solution - the easiest choice, the most pleasant path.

But because they slept at that moment, they didn't pray. And because they didn't pray, then, in the empty moments before the Pharisees and priests came with their servants and guards to take Jesus away, their hearts and minds were not prepared, not fortified by faith, to endure the fear and sorrow to come. They did not pray, as Jesus had taught them, for God to keep them from temptation - and so when temptation came, they fell. What seemed like the easy road, the escape from pain, ended up leading them into even more sorrow and pain. Peter runs into the night alone, bitterly weeping, not just for the arrest and imminent death of his Lord, but for his own denial of his Lord and friend.

It made me wonder how often I've chosen to pursue an escape or distraction instead of praying - how frequently I simply try to avoid the worries and the sorrows of life by ignoring them, instead of facing them head on in prayer and seeking the strength and the grace of God to help me deal with them - as well as how often that choice not to pray has resulted in sin, as it did for Peter. For the world is full of paths that promise an escape, that offer peace and happiness without the unpleasant task of coping with and fighting the pains and sorrows and fears of reality. I know I've used Facebook, Pinterest, blog-surfing, and even programming to numb or ignore feelings I don't want to deal with, instead of taking them to God with prayer and supplication; lest you think technology is the prime foe, I can tell you that I've done the same with books, homework, and projects - anything that distracts the mind and heart from the real issue can work. It doesn't seem like a bad thing to find peace in these distractions, and it probably isn't always a bad thing. But when it takes us away from prayer, when it leads us to seek peace and comfort in anything other than God, when it leaves us in a happy drugged stupor at the moment the trial comes, instead of strengthened in faith and prepared to hold fast to God - then it is a bad thing, leading to increased sin and multiplied sorrow.

So let us pray! Let us learn from Jesus and His disciples (as positive and negative examples, respectively), and pray in the midst of the worries and sorrows of life, the bewilderment and the suffering, that we may not enter into temptation, but may be protected against sin and strengthened for righteousness.

My soul longs for You like a thirsty land

I am a person of many moods. A compliment, a glimpse of light on falling water, a butterfly, a feeling of God's goodness or nearness, or a fascinating idea, can send me soaring crazily high into happiness. On the other hand, a small troubling thought, a worry about something almost insignificant, a failure to accomplish everything on my to-do list, or a feeling that someone (especially God!) may not be pleased with me, can send me spiraling downward in seconds. In the same day I can be almost overwhelmed with joy, praising God and rejoicing in the blessings He has given me, and then be burdened with the feelings of guilt and unworthiness to the point where it is difficult for me to do anything at all.

Because of this tendency of mine to ride an emotional roller coaster, I have found it extremely important to keep my mind meditating on the truth of God's word. If His promises aren't there in my heart, then I have no guard against those things that would weary my soul and empty my heart of hope. So I read Scripture, and I memorize verses (Psalms are especially encouraging), and I delight in the Lord who loves me, and His word encourages me. But in the darkest times - when the light of joy seems to have set like the sun beyond the horizon, and the night stretches out around me, starless and moonless and void - in those times, my only recourse is to cry out to my God, and cling to Him desperately, my Rock and my Deliverer.

And I found today that the great pray-er of prayers, whose very cries to God were inspired by God, has been in that place, and lifted up his voice to God with words that I can also speak when my own words fail to come from the heavy ache inside me (forgive me for quoting so much of this psalm here; it is just so meaningful to me).

"Hear my prayer, O Lord,
Give ear to my supplications!
In Your faithfulness answer me,
And in Your righteousness.
Do not enter into judgment with Your servant,
For in Your sight no one living is righteous.

For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the ground;
He has made me dwell in darkness,
Like those who have long been dead.
Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart within me is distressed. 

I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all Your works;
I muse on the work of Your hands.
I spread out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You like a thirsty land. 

Answer me speedily, O Lord;
My spirit fails!
Do not hide Your face from me,
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift up my soul to You." - Psalm 143:1-8

 He will hear our prayers. He will send light into our darkness. He will not condemn us for our sins, for He has forgiven us in Christ. He will satisfy our longing souls "as with marrow and fatness!" For "His compassions fail not. They are new every morning!" And when my spirit is overwhelmed within me, I can cry out to Him and He will not despise me for my weakness or grow impatient with my stumbles and hesitations, because He loves me. He loves me unfailingly and unconditionally! That is a truth to hold close to my ever-changing heart! In the fiercest of storms, in the darkest of nights, in the depths of self-condemnation, this I know, and this I can hold fast to: that my God has called me His beloved, and He will never cause His love for me to lessen or to cease.

The God who hears prayer

Today I came across a name for God that I think is now one of my favorites. David is writing this psalm of praise to the Lord for all that He does - specifically for His power in salvation and His great and generous provision for us in nature - and he calls Him "You who hear prayer." (Ps. 65:2). Isn't that such an awesome name for God, because it is such a wonderful truth about who He is and how much He cares for us His children?

Think about it - the God of the whole universe - who "established the mountains by His strength", who can "still the noise of the seas", who will "crown the year with [His] goodness" so that the hills themselves rejoice in Him - that God hears our prayers. It's true that is doesn't always feel that way. Sometimes it seems like the door to God's throne room is closed and barred, and our prayers falter and fail even as they leave our lips. But regardless of those feelings, the truth is that God is the God who hears our prayers.

If we have this certainty that He hears our prayers (confirmed by Ephesians 3:12 and Hebrews 4:16), and if we believe He is this all-powerful good and gracious God, then the next logical question is why do we pray so infrequently? Why are we not constantly falling before Him in adoration, taking our supplications to Him in boldness and confidence, seeking His mercy in every aspect of our lives? Why are we still trying to make it through life in our own strength? Maybe the root problem is that we don't believe God as much as we would like to think. If we immerse ourselves in His Word, begin to truly believe in our hearts what we read there, and in every moment of our day place ourselves in trust and reliance on God's grace, prayer will come naturally as a result of our faith, and our lives (and the lives of those around us) will be deeply and richly blessed and transformed by the intimacy of our relationship with the Lord. Can you imagine what would happen if we did this as a church? Can you see how the world might be changed?

A poem

A poem written by my great-grandmother Loella Woolley:


My Prayer
Lord, help me not to hurt the ones I love,
Nor ever tread with heavy step
On feelings that are tender -
Feelings that are beautiful and rare.

Forgive me when I've failed to understand
How much some thoughtless act of mine
Can hurt the ones for whom I truly care.

Keep me alert in mind and heart
And never let me walk unthinking,
Blinded by selfish pride,
But help me know that You are there

And waiting to forgive once more
My contrite heart. And when tomorrow dawns
Help me to start anew, as if today had never been.
This is my prayer.

Enter into suffering

"Pray without ceasing" - 1 Thessalonians 5:17

"...praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints" - Ephesians 6:18

"I now rejoice in my sufferings for you, and fill up in my flesh what is lacking in the afflictions of Christ" - Colossians 1:24

"...that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death" - Philippians 3:10

When I watch movies, I like them to be an escape from the world around me - I like them to be fun, lighthearted, a distraction from the pain and wickedness I see or hear about every day. A lot of the books I read are the same way. It is too much of a burden for me to always have my mind involved in those things. Yes, they are problems, yes, there might be something I could do about it, yes, I could pray for these people - but no, no, no, it hurts too much, it is too much to carry, I am too weak

But I am not any weaker than a lot of people who are directly suffering evil things. At the very least I am not weaker than the children who are abused or who watch their siblings being abused and are powerless to do anything about it. Can I set aside my life of comfort on their behalf? Can I bear at least some small grain of their suffering, that they might have a moment of happiness and peace? Can I enter into their sorrow, that through me they might come to joy and rest? That is what Jesus did for me; can I do the same for my brothers and sisters, my fellow sojourners through this life? If I am too timid or ignorant or insecure to know how to directly enter their lives and avert an evil, let me not be too weak or lazy or selfish to pray on their behalf. If I may never be a mighty warrior for the gospel on the front lines of the kingdom, doing great things like preaching the word, changing hearts, relieving oppression, and righting wrongs, Lord, at least help me to be a humble servant whose struggles are unseen, who intercedes for those in need at the foot of Your throne. Please let me seek their good rather than my glory - the hidden but unceasing vigil of the spirit rather than the bold and dramatic action that wins acclaim and admiration.

Living intentionally: prayer and respect

I can hardly believe that I'm getting married in 17 days! Marriage has always seemed like a far-away, grown-up thing and now it is right here practically on top of me! I guess I am sort of an adult now :P

Anyway, I found a blog post today that had some marriage advice that seemed pretty good to me (obviously I haven't tried any of it yet!). I really liked her practical advice about establishing times to pray together as a couple, because I can see that as being something that could get neglected if we aren't intentional about making it happen, unless Paul is far superior to me in this area of life, which could definitely be the case :) She suggests that you commit to praying together twice each day: once in the morning when you wake up and once at night before you go to sleep - and if someone is asleep, the other person can wake them up to pray! I am a fan of praying but not so much of being woken up... I know that it is worth the inconvenience, though :) A marriage needs (that seems like such a weak word!) to have God as its center and focus to survive and flourish with love and joy, and prayer together seems like a really good way to strive to keep Him as the foundation.

Another thing she wrote that I really liked - well, I liked the whole thing a lot and I'm having trouble choosing just a couple things to elaborate on - but anyways, one other thing that spoke to me was her counsel to "bathe your husband in respect in every possible way you can." I don't have an internal issue with respecting my fiance, because I admire him in so many different ways for so many different things, and I really value his desire to seek God and his heart for other people. However, I think there are definitely times when I don't show that respect in my interactions with him and with others, just because I don't consciously think about it! So that is something I want to improve as well.

Anyways, if you are also nearing marriage (or are already in it, or are just curious) you should go check out her post and read the whole thing! I think it is really valuable.