Marriage in the Church

An acquaintance of mine recently remarried. She's a friend of mine on Facebook because I know her family well, but I'm not particularly close with her. She and her new husband look incredibly happy together, and all of our mutual friends were congratulating her on her wedding. But I didn't. Honestly, I'm confused by the whole situation. I don't know why she divorced her first husband (or even if she initiated the divorce). I do know that she still seems passionate about following and serving God, and probably is a lot better at those things than I am. It just gnaws away inside me that this is her second husband, that the vows she made the first time around have been broken, and that the community around her - the church community, the Christian community - spoke no words of sorrow or rebuke over the brokenness and is now publicly rejoicing in her new marriage. I don't know her story, and knowing her family I doubt that this divorce was entered into lightly, so I don't want to judge her specifically. For all I know, her first husband was abusive and unfaithful. But it makes me think. And in general, I see the church rejoicing at the beginning of marriages (which is all well and good) but sitting back silently when those marriages falter and fail.

Marriage is not strengthened when divorce is accepted.

The institution of marriage is a good thing, a God-ordained thing, meant to bring joy and sanctification to the participants and designed to represent the relationship between Christ and the church. So it is both natural and fitting that the church community should (in general) rejoice and celebrate the coming together of two people in marriage! But the intent and design of marriage necessitate boundaries and limitations to it. We would not rejoice if a father tried to marry his daughter, or if a man tried to marry multiple women, or if a friend tried to marry someone we knew to be abusive; those of us with more strictly Biblical views would also not rejoice if a man tried to marry another man, or if a Christian tried to marry an unbeliever. Some of those marriages act against the first purpose of marriage by destroying the spouses' joy or by making it more difficult for them to walk with God and grow in their faith; others work against the second purpose by twisting that imagery and distorting our understanding of the relationship between God and us as the church. Seeing the immediate and temporal happiness of the individuals entering into one of those skewed marriages might make it natural for us to want to rejoice in their coming together - but it might not be fitting if the relationship is inherently flawed.

One could respond that all relationships are flawed to some degree, and that no marriage adequately represents the relationship of Christ to the church, and I would of course agree. My own sin puts strain on my own marriage every day, eats away at my joy and my husband's joy, and dims our marital reflection of Christ. But incest, polygamy, and homosexuality are insurmountable obstacles to accurately reflecting the relationship between Christ and the church, no matter how happy and committed the individuals may be. On the other hand, a mismatched marriage would have the essence and character needed to reflect that relationship, and thus not be inherently flawed, but it may be unwise for a myriad of reasons. So I think the church should be firm about rejecting the first type of relationship (those which are in essence unable to reflect the full Biblical imagery of marriage) and should counsel against the second type but provide as much support as possible to those already in the midst of one (so that a bad situation might possibly redeemed, and the significant sin or area of discord used as a catalyst for sanctification and increased faith).

Divorce is difficult for me, however, because I'm often unsure of which category it falls into. Clearly, it destroys entirely the Christological imagery of marriage. Christ will not "divorce" or abandon His church, and our lack of faithfulness will not tear apart the relationship either. But I know that after a divorce people can go on to do great things and become great men and women of faith, and that God will even use the divorce to draw them to Himself. And the church should play a role in that redemptive work. Our judgment of the sin should not push the sinner farther away from Christ; rather, we should seek to respond in a way that pulls the sinner deep into the love whose depth and length and width and height are said to be beyond comprehension. The challenge is to do this well without compromising the truth that divorce hurts individuals, families, and society, Christians and unbelievers alike, by twisting our understanding of Christ's commitment and love for us.

So should I rejoice in a remarriage following divorce? I have, once, when the man remarrying had been abandoned by his wife in middle age for no reason other than her own feelings and whims. But even then I wondered if he should have let her go or if he should have continued to pursue her in love as long as possible, like Christ pursues us when we turn to our idols of comfort or power or respect. It's not a black and white issue, and I think culturally we are inclined to prioritize happiness over commitment. We might say that we value redemption more than atonement... we encourage people to simply move on and start over instead of taking the time to wrestle with and repent of the past. When someone vows before God to be committed to another person for a lifetime, and shoulders the mantle of reflecting God in one particular relationship just as he or she has endeavored to reflect Him as an individual, it is a serious matter. It is not to be entered into frivolously. That is why the whole church stands together (or should, at any rate) in witness to and support of the couple making those vows. It is an equally serious matter when those vows are broken, and yet the church does nothing. We rejoice when the oath-breaker stands a second time to make those same promises to a different person than before - but do we provide the counsel and support needed to make sure that this time the promises will be kept through the hard times once the swell of romantic love has ebbed away?

It breaks my heart to see so many marriages foundering on the shoals of life, to see the church dimming its warning lighthouse beacon, to see her members laboring on the shore to pick up the pieces instead of helping steer the ship to safer seas, or throwing together hasty and poorly-built boats instead of taking the time to construct sea-worthy vessels before sending them out from port. Should we be there to help people rebuild after a divorce? Of course. But we should be working even harder to keep that shipwreck from happening in the first place, instead of just counting on the skills of the rescue team. Our marriages are not simply private contracts that only hurt or help the individuals directly involved; they are also public statements of the nature of Christ and His relationship to His people, and we as the church need to fight for them, stand beside them, and give them the supplies and guidance they need to sail safely across the ocean of time.

Thoughts on marriage for my 9-month anniversary

For marriage, as indeed for life as a whole, I feel that there is one primary (though two-fold) purpose: to know God more and, being in Him, to become more like Him. Practically, what this means is that our own pleasure is not the purpose of marriage. We marry someone we love and whose company we enjoy, with whom we share similar interests, beliefs, and visions for life, and with whom we expect to be able to cultivate happiness - but ultimately the end for which we ought to strive, in marriage, is most emphatically not our own personal temporal happiness or fulfillment. In a word, the purpose of marriage is sanctification.

When I was single, I noticed how many of the resources for singles focused on God's use of that time of life to draw one closer to Him - to help us learn, variously, to trust in Him more, to be content with the situations in which He places us, to deepen our faith in both large and small things, to give of ourselves wholeheartedly and passionately for His work, to develop godly character, and so on: essentially, to sanctify and refine us through the "fire" of singleness. Similarly, when I read the old classics of the Christian faith (and I mean the very old classics!), I found that most of them were written by vocational celibates (such as monks) for other vocational celibates, and singleness was praised because of its ability to be used by God for our sanctification. And I thought as a single and still think now that this is very true. God will indeed use our singleness to teach us about Him, to draw us closer to Him (often by giving us no one else to turn to), and to generally shape us into the person He desires us to become.

But what all those messages left out, and what I felt seemed to be missing in most of the marriage resources I was given when Paul and I were approaching our wedding, was that God continues this sanctification process in marriage. Just as He will use the unique challenges and opportunities presented by singleness to grow our character and deepen our relationship with Him, so He will use the unique challenges and opportunities presented by marriage. The situations will be different, and the ways in which He will change us will very likely be different, but the overarching purpose will be the same: our sanctification. God desires to make us holy, so that we can be with Him in joy and glory instead of fear and condemnation, and in this life He is working out in us through the Spirit the righteousness that He gave us in Christ. Whether we are single or married, He will use the circumstances in which we find ourselves to transform us for our good and His glory.

I must admit that I wouldn't have thought of this idea of marriage as a means for sanctification unless I had read it in a book given to us by an older couple I knew in college, titled Sacred Marriage. But this book is the only one that has even mentioned, much less developed, the idea, and I think it is important for those of us who are married and thinking about getting married. It should give us cause to examine our motivation for marriage in the first place - are we seeking marriage to obtain physical pleasure, emotional security, or companionship, or are we seeking it because we feel God is leading us in that direction and has a purpose for it in our walk with Him? Once married, it should inform the priorities that we create in our relationship with our spouse: do we use them for our own pleasure (whether blatantly or through more subtle hinting and manipulation), or do we strive to put his or her needs first, even when that entails self-denial? Do we see their weaknesses as insufferable flaws, or do we learn to show them (consistently and constantly) the same grace that God shows us? Do we try to ground our identity on their approval and on our perception of their love for us, or do we find our meaning and worth in Christ and from that established and secure identity begin to truly love our spouse without a continual search for their validation? Do we expect our marriage to be perfect, and fix blame and condemnation on either our spouse or ourselves when struggles arise, or do we expect those struggles and learn to work through them together, edified and strengthened by the grace of God?

Essentially, the question to ask in marriage (and maybe in any venture of life) is whether I am making any given choice for the glory of God and out of my new life in Christ, or whether I am making that choice for my own convenience - to obtain my own desires - and out of my old life enslaved to sin. If throughout each day I consciously strive to take the former path, I will be employing marriage for its intended purpose in my life: my sanctification. But if I fail to be vigilant and intentional, if I choose not to seek God in those situations that marriage has brought upon me, I will throwing away those golden opportunities God would like to use to draw me to Him. By His grace, I hope that my marriage to Paul will truly be a means for both of us to learn to walk more closely with our Lord, and grow in our knowledge of Him and in the fruit we bear in our lives.

A good man

A good man is a marvelous thing.

He is the one who is there for you in strength when you feel like the world is spinning too fast around you and you just can't hold up anymore and you break down in front of him and your ruined pride burns in your chest like the tears burn in your eyes, and he is there simply holding you, standing as a wall between you and the crazy storm of life, giving you space to heal, letting you hide yourself in him, bearing your burdens until the moment passes and you can take them up again, renewed and restored by his love.

He is the one who never seems to judge you when you stumble or you fail, but helps you stand up again and encourages and inspires you to live a better life and persevere in following God by his example and his words.

He is the one who never gives up, though his heart is bowed down with discouragement; he endures through the trials and uncertainties of life with steadfast faith in his God, and works as hard as he must to fulfill his responsibilities and honor the God he serves. And he does this without boasting of his efforts and his labors, in that pure humility that comes of centering his thoughts and feelings on the truth.

He is the one who leads his wife with wisdom and strength, who lets her know through his actions and attitude that he can be trusted, that he can and will make decisions when they need to be made, that he will provide for her, and that he is worthy of her respect and adoration. He is also the one who loves his wife with gentleness and passion, who lets her know that she is wanted and desired by him, who cares for her heart with tenderness matching in intensity the strength with which he leads her, and who claims her as being very much his woman and his alone.

He is the one who deliberately each day stands alert against the things that tempt him away from following God, and chooses to set aside temporal pleasures if need be to make time to pray and meditate on the Word. Like a sentry he stands guard against all that threatens to destroy him and the ones he loves, and, with the strength of God in his right hand and the shield of faith in his left, he will not let those things erode the heart and foundation of all that is truly important to him.

He is the one in whom his wife can safely place her heart, secure and confident in his love and in his strength.

When a good man gives himself like this to a woman, how can she not desire to give to him all that she is and has to give? Then, in the mutual giving and receiving, the two grow ever more into one, and love deepens, and God is honored. It is my great hope and aspiration that I might respond in such a way to the man I am married to, who is a very good man indeed.

A burden or a blessing?

On Friday, Paul flew to Memphis for an interview for physical therapy school. Unfortunately, his flight left at 5:30 in the morning, which with the state of security meant that we needed to leave the house at 4:00. On Thursday, I was telling people at work about this and one woman (who is married and had coincidentally driven her husband to an early morning flight earlier in the week) responded with, "oh, and I suppose he expects you to take him to the airport, right?"

The next day, after I dropped Paul off, I went straight in to work (early in, early out!) and one of the maintenance guys saw me about 6:00 and asked why I was there so early. When I told him about Paul's flight, his whole face lit up with this big grin and he said, "oh, so you got to drive him there!" It was so sweet.

Anyway, it was primarily the contrast between the two responses that stood out to me. On the one hand, the service is seen as something grudgingly performed out of a sense of duty because my husband actually expected me to do something out of the ordinary for him (I don't know if the woman from my work really thinks of it this way; it is just the impression I got from her response. She is quite a nice lady from what I can see). On the other hand, the service was seen almost as a privilege - something special that I got to do for my husband whom I love.

Before I talked to these two people, I hadn't thought about why I was driving Paul to the airport. He needed someone to drive him, and who better than me? But I can tell you now what reason I would rather have to do any similar act of service that comes my way! Instead of viewing it as a chore and a burden, I want to see it as a blessing and a joy, as a way to show Paul how much I truly love him.

Procreation and unity - or, contraception part II

This post is not as "family-friendly" (that is, child-appropriate) as most on this blog

Reading my way across the internet today, I came across a very clearly and eloquently worded explanation of the nature of sexual intimacy (actually this writer has consistently been, in all that I have read so far, quite clear, logical, courteous, and sensitive to beauty, which makes for very enjoyable and edifying reading).

"...human sexual nature is not a collection of facts that have no meaning until we freely assign them one. Sexual intercourse has a natural teleology; it is ordered to procreation. This natural end provides a context which itself assigns a meaning to the sexual act. This meaning is “natural” in the sense that it “presents itself” to the mind of a sufficiently intelligent participant without requiring any decision on his or her part. If I make love to a woman, it means “I choose you to be the mother of my children.” This, and only this, is directly and naturally signified by intercourse. However, for an intelligent being, able to consider the future, it has profound implications. Children require a family, so the sexual act implies an irrevocable commitment; it initiates a new society consisting of the spouses and their prospective children. In the conjugal act, the spouses pledge their allegiance to this society—this also is virtually contained in the act’s one natural meaning." - In Defense of Patriarchy, by bonald

The unitive nature of the act, then, is bound to its procreative nature. This is an assertion I have heard many times but never completely understood. For example, I have struggled to understand why some (including, officially, the Catholic Church) believe that it is wrong for a married couple to use contraception. After all, the married couple has already, in other ways, signified and established the union between them, and they are most likely intending to bring that union to fruition at some point in the future. The man is still choosing that woman to be the mother of his children (and vice versa) - just not yet.

And yet I can see, symbolically, the contradiction in that. Symbolically, contraception is truly a rejection - a rejection of the full nature of sexual intercourse and thus a reduction of its meaning, and a rejection at a very basic level of the other person. If sexual intimacy is unifying by nature and not just by convention, then contraception interferes with that union by preventing the partners from completely giving themselves to each other. In the middle of what ought to be an utterly self-surrendering act, in which each becomes the other's, the man does not give and the woman does not receive. Considering that some (beautifully expressed over at Like Mother, Like Daughter) have defined masculinity and femininity by the roles of being the first giver and the one who receives in order to give again, respectively, this is a serious issue. Symbolically, not just physically, contraception establishes a barrier between two people even as they are seeking unity, by short-circuiting the inherent procreative nature of sexual intercourse on which the unitive nature is founded.

What, then, are the practical implications of that symbolism? Does it matter morally, emotionally, or spiritually - or is it just a beautiful ideal picture? I'm not sure, to be honest. I don't know that it is inherently wrong for a married couple to use contraception, but I am having a hard time coming up with an argument as coherent and beautiful as the one above. Everything begins to sound like an excuse or a rationalization rather than a unified understanding of the nature of sexual intercourse within marriage as God designed and intended it, which is insufficient for someone who desires to follow God wholeheartedly in this area of life just as in any other. Do any of you have thoughts on this? Can you offer me a complete picture of the nature and purpose of sexual intimacy and how that informs our behavior, as opposed to a "I'm sure it is fine to use contraception now, since you're committed and planning on having children later?"

Four Months!

That's right, I've been married to my Paul four months today! And I am so glad that I get to be married to such a wonderful man :)

Anyway, from this lofty vantage point and exceeding amount of experience, here are some thoughts on marriage in general as seen through the lens of this one particular marriage that I'm a part of:

 - Marriage forces a person to open their eyes to their own weaknesses and shortcomings. When you are constantly living with someone, and you want this person to think well of you and love you, and you want to show them that you love and adore them as well, you're demanding a lot of your sin-burdened self! Because no matter how hard you try, you're not going to be perfect all the time! It just isn't possible! And since there is so much increased desire to be perfect, for the sake of the person you love and sometimes maybe out of fear that they'll stop loving you, every little mistake is going to feel like an insurmountable failure, and if you're anything like me you'll become quite a mess :P But eventually out of that emotional mess you'll start to see where your real weaknesses are, and you'll learn how to work on them with the grace of God and the help of the Spirit. That is a good place to be :)

 - Marriage can help you learn how to trust God as well as another fallible human being (or, it can turn you into an anxious wreck; it's really up to you). As a single, I would look into my future and worry about all the unknowns ahead, and now that I'm married I realize that those unknowns have not just doubled when Paul was added into the picture - they have increased exponentially! If I let myself, I could be completely consumed by those worries. Since they're a bit much for me to worry about and still go on with daily life, though, it's made me take them to God in prayer, and try to trust Him with those worries, and also try to trust Paul with the worries that are more specifically related to him (usually unfounded worries about our relationship - I worry easily). In essence, by making the burden of anxiety greater, marriage has been instrumental in teaching me to trust and find peace in that trust.

 - Marriage can be a wellspring of joy filling and overflowing your heart into all that you do :) Learning how to serve, love, and be loved by another person translates into learning how to serve, love, and be loved by God more fully and completely (at least for me), and both of those bring incredible joy to a person's life. There is a sense of belonging, of purpose, and of security that is indescribably valuable to someone like me, and sometimes when I think that I get to be married to this amazing godly man I can hardly contain my excitement! If I'm at home and no one's around to see me, sometimes I'll jump up and down ridiculously because of it :P

 - Marriage is all about learning and growing! What seemed like an earth-shattering problem two months ago is passed and almost forgotten today, and I'm sure that issues I've never even thought of will someday loom ominously in our life - but as we keep growing in our knowledge of and love for God and each other, I know that we can overcome them as well. And my hope is that it will keep being so awesomely fun in addition to all these wonderful deeper things! Because my husband is pretty much my favorite person in the world to spend time with, and no one can make me laugh like he can, and I don't want this to be just a "newlywed thing" that passes with time. When we're old I still want to be inseparable, and to find him my best companion and dearest friend :)

What do you think, those of you who are more experienced in this area than myself? I'm sure I am still pretty clueless about marriage, and I would love to hear other people's wisdom and insight :)

A priority choice

In reading about feministic careerism vs. traditional homemaking (which I very frequently do), I have found that very often the difference is one of priorities. In the first, personal fulfillment and economic prosperity are highly valued, and in the second, family and children are highly valued. In the first, the important thing is to have stuff and to keep up appearances:

"...even college-educated men in their 20s and 30s will have a tough time pulling in the cash to pay for the house, two cars and nursery school. The simply truth is that most couples need two incomes just to maintain a middle-class life." (Kay Hymowitz, author of the book Manning Up)

The second wonders why maintaining all the trappings of a middle-class life is so important. If they have to live in a smaller house and only own one car, it would be worth it if the wife could be home making that house a place of love and beauty and joy, raising up their children to love and honor God. And if she was at home doing that, the "nursery school" expense would be gone as well.

To me, the first option seems much more self-centered and emotionally sterile. I would rather sacrifice a high-paying career than give up deep and meaningful relationships with my family! Couldn't the love and gratitude of a husband and children be rewarding too, just like the satisfaction of intellectual appetite and the respect of one's colleagues? It seems to me that it could, and that by cultivating humility rather than pride it could also be much better for the state of one's soul.

Apologies and a small thought :)

I'm sorry I haven't posted as much this week! Paul and I are in the process of moving, and work has been hectic as well, so I haven't had much time to think or write. But I am so glad we finally have our own little place to settle in to :) We've put some stuff into place as we brought it to the apartment but in general it is still boxed and chaotic, so I'm definitely looking forward to unpacking this weekend. Paul (being in the National Guard) has drill this weekend, so it will be just me, and while I'll miss him, I'm kind of looking forward to being able to get everything set up just the way I like it, all by myself. It will be so nice to have a clean, organized, beautiful place of our own! The problem will then become keeping it that way... but I am going to be committed to keeping it nice because I know it will help our home be more peaceful and welcoming for ourselves and for friends who might want to visit.

On that note, I suppose I have been thinking about the importance of the home this week. I've noticed that when the home is cluttered or dirty (for me, clutter is worse), it becomes a less restful and inviting place, and I'm more likely to want to be somewhere else. When things are kept in their proper place, and the whole place is clean, it draws me in and makes me want to be there sharing life with others. On top of just order and cleanliness, when the house is made beautiful in little ordinary ways (like uses of color, and candles, and pictures, for example), it becomes even more enjoyable to be in. Finally, I've decided that this task of keeping the home ordered and beautiful is far more suited to women (in general) than to men. Or maybe it's just me, I don't know. But I believe that the wife is better equipped to make a home worth living in than the husband is, although he may be quite good at aspects of it and should be quite good at extending his assistance, just as - in general again - I believe the husband is better equipped to go out into the world and wrestle with it to provide for and protect his home and family. The woman is the center, the heart; she nurtures the family and makes the home a place for growth and love. Complementary to this, the man is the shield and the shelter; he provides for the family and protects his home from the outside world. Together, they are ideally equipped to create and sustain a home in which children (for children are the natural end of marriage) can grow, learn, and flourish in love and assurance. We don't have children yet, but I'm thinking that this time now is the best time to learn how to make a home! I'm not the greatest at learning two major things at once, after all, so I should start on the one I can do now instead of trying to figure it out at the same time I'm learning how to be a mom :P Here's hoping I won't be discouraged when I start to fail, and will get up and keep trying!

Contraception and abortion

I've been reading several very interesting articles (and books) lately that discuss, either tangentially or as the main argument, the specific moral dilemmas that revolve around family and marriage. They're especially interesting to me since those issues have become much more personally relevant in the past two months than they were before! Anyway, as I write about them, I'll try not to come across as preachy or obnoxious, because I realize that people have a lot of disagreement about some of these things, and I don't want to make anyone upset, especially if I'm spouting off some half-thought-through idea that is heading the wrong direction :) I will be honest about what I think and where I am now, though, so hopefully it won't come across as if I'm attacking anyone who thinks differently than I do.

The first issue that caught my attention, less than a month after our marriage, was the potential for birth control pills (hormonal contraceptives in general, as well as IUDs) to cause early abortions by preventing implantation of the embryo. Ideally, the pill prevents ovulation, so there is no egg to be fertilized and no embryo to worry about. As a back-up, it thickens the cervical mucous, making it more difficult for sperm to swim up to meet an egg that might be there if ovulation did occur (it is unknown exactly how often ovulation occurs in women taking contraceptives, because it is somewhat difficult to track, but the undeniable fact that women taking oral contraceptives will sometimes still become pregnant is proof that ovulation can occur, and that sperm can make it through the inhospitable mucous to reach that waiting egg). I knew those things before I started taking the pill, and I was fine with them. I was only thinking about how convenient it would be! However, the third function of the pill (publicly labeled as such, so I really had no excuse for my ignorance) is to prevent the uterus from preparing for a pregnancy - the lining is kept thin, with the network of glands and ducts unprepared for implantation - so that if ovulation occurs and an egg is fertilized, that embryo will not be able to implant and no pregnancy will take place. The embryo will die.

A common response to this dilemma is to protest that many such early abortions take place naturally - it is thought that about half of all embryos fail to implant, and a significant percentage of those that do miscarry very early on in the pregnancy, often before the woman even realizes she is pregnant - so why should we worry about the very rare case that an embryo is created while taking the pill and fails to implant? It may not have implanted anyway, after all. The difference, however, is that while taking the pill you (or I) are actively doing something to prevent pregnancy, knowing that it could entail the death of the early embryo. That's more ethically problematic than if it is happening without your knowledge, desire, or interfering action. By your action in the situation, you become morally responsible for the result.

For these reasons (as well as some less coherent issues that I'll try to discuss in Part 2 of this series), I stopped taking the pill a month ago. I do miss some of the benefits that come with taking it, but I think it's worth it to deal with some inconvenience in the pursuit of doing what is right and pleasing to God. As a disclaimer, I do want to say that there are reasons to take the pill besides birth control - I have heard it can help regulate certain conditions such as PCOS and can be especially helpful for women who have significant pain associated with their menstrual cycle - and for women who have these other reasons, the choice of whether or not to take the pill will not be so straightforward as it was for me. All I know is that my conscience was uneasy, and so it was the better choice, in my desire to honor God, to no longer use oral contraceptives.

If you want to read a very good post/article about the topic (which is well-written with sensitivity and from a very personal perspective), check out this post by my friend Diana: Thoughts on the Pill. Her post was actually one of the first things I read that led me to wonder if something was wrong and I should stop taking the pill, but it is written in a very non-confrontational way so it is a good introduction to the topic, and she has some good and interesting thoughts.

Sunshine and rain

I am Paul's sunshine, and he is my rain. And together we bring forth the spirit of our marriage, the beauty of our togetherness, which is our rainbow.

While an analogy like this could quite easily refer to children, this one represents the more intangible products of our love and commitment to each other (time, and the observation of those outside our relationship, will reveal what those products are. I don't know how clearly the sun or the rain can perceive the rainbow they create). Together, we are more than the bare sum of our individual personalities and skills - we create something new, just like the rain and the sun together produce a rainbow. Both are wonderful on their own; both are needed on their own. But together, they make something which is also wonderful, and which brings joy to the heart and beauty to the world.

My hope is that Paul and I, through our marriage, can also bring wonder and beauty to the world around us.

Marriage is hard because I am a sinner

I've decided that marriage is hard, but not in the ways people warned me about.

They told me we would have disagreements and fights and get angry at each other over trivial things. They told me that we would both begin the marriage with unrealistic expectations of the other person, and have to deal with the disappointment of realizing they weren't all we thought they would be. They told me we would have conflicts over the patterns of daily life, like who uses the shower when, and how clean the room should be, and what time someone ought to be home. Have we had any of that? Yes, most definitely. (And mostly because of me - Paul has been really patient, understanding, and thoughtful through this whole transition period). But that hasn't really been the hardest part for me.

You know what's hard? What's hard is coming home after a long day and simultaneously wanting to cry in his arms, cool off by myself with a book, make him dinner because I love him, and hear how his day went. What's hard is learning how to manage my needs and wants and his needs and wants at the same time, without burning out and crashing or being totally self-centered. What's hard is wanting to love and be loved while at the same time being petrified with fear that he'll be upset with me or reject me. What's hard is overcoming the emotions that keep me from trusting someone I know to be incredibly trustworthy, and not spiraling downward into inaction from feeling like such a failure in that area. What's hard is wanting to be perfect for him because he's so wonderful, and constantly falling short. What's hard is needing to receive grace from Paul and from God just to get through normal life. Sigh.

I guess marriage is hard for me because it puts so much strain on my pride, my proud and arrogant desire to be self-sufficient and independent, and my impossible wish to be able to give love without being vulnerable in response. If that is why, though, it's a good reason. Those things need to be dethroned! Hopefully these hard aspects of marriage will be a catalyst to deepen my relationship with God, my understanding of His grace, and my love for Paul - and then it will all be worth it :)

My friend is getting married!!!

One of my very best friends is getting married today - to my husband's brother! It is so exciting that we will get to be family now for the rest of our lives! :)

I've known K. since I was 6 and she was 7, when our families moved to Arizona and into the same apartment complex, and she was the first friend I had here (although we had a bit of rocky start...). It has been such a blessing to have her as my friend, for many reasons! We are practically opposites - she is outgoing, gregarious, practical, friendly, open, and a little bit dominant and aggressive, while I am shy, reserved, idealistic, and can be withdrawn, inward-focused, and passive (at least when it comes to conflict :P) So it has been very beneficial for both of us, I think, to grow up with each other - we've helped moderate each other's personalities, and we've helped each other learn how to interact with and love people who are very different from ourselves. I know it's been good for me, anyway! K. draws me out of my shell and listens to me talk and helps me to relax and enjoy spending time with other people :)

This past year we were roommates and I got to see firsthand her love for her future husband, R., as they dealt with the particular difficulties of a long-distance relationship during his first year of grad school - the excitement and anticipation in the days before she would travel to see him, the tears of the bittersweet return, the Skype dates, and so on. We had a lot of late-night conversations about our men, too, especially after we both got engaged during winter break, which was a lot of fun for us both :)

So I am incredibly excited for her now as she prepares to enter into marriage this afternoon with a wonderful man :) She will be such an amazing wife, and such a blessing to him through the years to come, with her serving, other-focused heart and her deep, self-sacrificial love for the people in her life. I know the two of them will have so much fun together, as well! They will be for each other a secure place to rest their hearts, a sanctuary of love and peace from which they can go out with confidence and joy to bless and serve the world they live in, and their home will be filled with life and laughter.

I wish you all the best in your marriage, K. and R.! You will be in my prayers :)

Needs and love and sins and safety

Sometimes I think the biggest issue in my marriage so far isn't our miscommunications or our busyness or the transitory feeling of living in a place that's not our own or learning how to adapt to each other, although those have all caused problems already (I think I'm learning how to make up after arguments along with everything else!). Sometimes, I think the biggest issue is my own neediness.

I need so many things! I need to feel that Paul loves me, and cares about me, and wants to hear my thoughts, and desires to be with me, and enjoys spending time with me. If I feel like he doesn't do these things, I get so lonely and sorrowful inside (although it is typically just caused by a perception or communication problem). But should I be needing these things from him? Shouldn't I just be able to find all my contentment and happiness in God, regardless of what Paul is feeling towards me or what I think he's feeling towards me? If I didn't have these needs for love and time and consideration and respect and so on, I think, I wouldn't be so demanding or so easily hurt, and we'd have far fewer issues in our relationship. To have these needs (and I feel presumptuous calling them needs instead of wants, but I really do need them to feel like our relationship is thriving and to stay joyful and hopeful in it) almost seems sinful to me. I shouldn't have any weaknesses, or at least I shouldn't admit to having them.

So my typical train of thought goes, and I become ashamed of these needs, and I try to pretend they don't exist - that I'm not hurt when Paul doesn't communicate well and I feel like he doesn't care about, for instance, or that I don't care whether he spends time with me or not because I'm self-sufficient and don't need him around. When we were driving back from our week in Sequoia, though, I borrowed a book from Paul's brother and his wife called Truefaced and it's been giving me a lot to think about. One of the hardest things for me to accept, out of everything it said, was that our needs are not sinful. That God actually gave us needs even before the Fall. That without needs we can't ever fully or truly experience and receive love, because meeting someone's needs is a huge part of showing them love (except in the case of our love for God, of course, where we show it by gratitude, worship, and obedience). How could I know God's love for me if I didn't admit that I needed Him in so many ways first?

When I read that paragraph I put the book down for a bit and thought a bit. My first reaction was to completely deny it all. Needs are sinful - how could they be otherwise? They're self-focused and greedy and grasping. But it is true that God created Adam and Eve with a need for fellowship, and gave them each other; a need for Himself, and walked with them in the garden; and a need for food, and supplied them with more than they could ask for. He showered His love upon them in their sinlessness by meeting all the needs that were inherent within them. So I picked up the book again and reread the chapter - and reread it again, and then again. Then I didn't read anymore for a few days. This is taking a while to sink in.

Maybe, if I didn't have these needs, I wouldn't ever feel that rush of joy when Paul looks at me with love in his eyes and I know that he wants to be with me the rest of his life. His love would be an extraneous luxury instead of something that meets one of the deepest needs in my heart. That would ruin our relationship more than my needs ever could. So I'm trying to be honest about them now, instead of pretending they aren't there (I was never very good at pretending that anyhow!), but it's really hard, and it's really kind of frightening sometimes. If I have no needs, you see, I can't be hurt and I'm safe from losing love. If I have needs that you can meet - that only you can meet, as in my relationship with Paul - then I am not safe at all. But you know what I think? You know what I know even when I feel exactly the opposite?

Love is far, far better than safety.

Why it's awesome being one of two

Being one of two instead of one alone means so many things:

• Waking up to a smile and a hug and a kiss every morning
• Eating breakfast with someone I love
• Having someone to say goodbye to when I leave for work
• Receiving (and sending!) happy little texts during the day :)
• Being able to share my frustrations of the day with someone who listens and cares
• Being able to tell all my thoughts and stories to someone who actually wants to hear them
• Getting to listen to all of his frustrations and thoughts and stories!
• Learning more and more about someone I love
• Making dinner to share instead of just for myself
• Hearing all the sweet things he says to me because he loves me :)
• Finding out how to make someone else happy and how to show him love
• Watching movies in bed together
• Feeling him next to me when I wake up in the middle of the night
• Falling deeper and deeper in love all the time

Hi all!

Paul and I got married on Saturday! So now I have the most wonderful husband ever and I love him so much :) We are in Sequoia National Forest this week so I won't have much internet access but I promise I will write about it when we return home. My thoughts so far...

About Sequoia: it is insanely beautiful and majestic! I am so glad we chose to come here even though it was a bit of a drive.

About marriage: it is very different having another person around all the time. Sometimes I wish I could just be by myself for a few hours. But at least this is a person I really like being around :P Also, he is even kinder and more patient than I realized when we were engaged, so I think I am a very fortunate individual :)

Alright that is all for now but I will write again in a few days!

Living intentionally: prayer and respect

I can hardly believe that I'm getting married in 17 days! Marriage has always seemed like a far-away, grown-up thing and now it is right here practically on top of me! I guess I am sort of an adult now :P

Anyway, I found a blog post today that had some marriage advice that seemed pretty good to me (obviously I haven't tried any of it yet!). I really liked her practical advice about establishing times to pray together as a couple, because I can see that as being something that could get neglected if we aren't intentional about making it happen, unless Paul is far superior to me in this area of life, which could definitely be the case :) She suggests that you commit to praying together twice each day: once in the morning when you wake up and once at night before you go to sleep - and if someone is asleep, the other person can wake them up to pray! I am a fan of praying but not so much of being woken up... I know that it is worth the inconvenience, though :) A marriage needs (that seems like such a weak word!) to have God as its center and focus to survive and flourish with love and joy, and prayer together seems like a really good way to strive to keep Him as the foundation.

Another thing she wrote that I really liked - well, I liked the whole thing a lot and I'm having trouble choosing just a couple things to elaborate on - but anyways, one other thing that spoke to me was her counsel to "bathe your husband in respect in every possible way you can." I don't have an internal issue with respecting my fiance, because I admire him in so many different ways for so many different things, and I really value his desire to seek God and his heart for other people. However, I think there are definitely times when I don't show that respect in my interactions with him and with others, just because I don't consciously think about it! So that is something I want to improve as well.

Anyways, if you are also nearing marriage (or are already in it, or are just curious) you should go check out her post and read the whole thing! I think it is really valuable.