Anyway, from this lofty vantage point and exceeding amount of experience, here are some thoughts on marriage in general as seen through the lens of this one particular marriage that I'm a part of:
- Marriage forces a person to open their eyes to their own weaknesses and shortcomings. When you are constantly living with someone, and you want this person to think well of you and love you, and you want to show them that you love and adore them as well, you're demanding a lot of your sin-burdened self! Because no matter how hard you try, you're not going to be perfect all the time! It just isn't possible! And since there is so much increased desire to be perfect, for the sake of the person you love and sometimes maybe out of fear that they'll stop loving you, every little mistake is going to feel like an insurmountable failure, and if you're anything like me you'll become quite a mess :P But eventually out of that emotional mess you'll start to see where your real weaknesses are, and you'll learn how to work on them with the grace of God and the help of the Spirit. That is a good place to be :)
- Marriage can help you learn how to trust God as well as another fallible human being (or, it can turn you into an anxious wreck; it's really up to you). As a single, I would look into my future and worry about all the unknowns ahead, and now that I'm married I realize that those unknowns have not just doubled when Paul was added into the picture - they have increased exponentially! If I let myself, I could be completely consumed by those worries. Since they're a bit much for me to worry about and still go on with daily life, though, it's made me take them to God in prayer, and try to trust Him with those worries, and also try to trust Paul with the worries that are more specifically related to him (usually unfounded worries about our relationship - I worry easily). In essence, by making the burden of anxiety greater, marriage has been instrumental in teaching me to trust and find peace in that trust.
- Marriage can be a wellspring of joy filling and overflowing your heart into all that you do :) Learning how to serve, love, and be loved by another person translates into learning how to serve, love, and be loved by God more fully and completely (at least for me), and both of those bring incredible joy to a person's life. There is a sense of belonging, of purpose, and of security that is indescribably valuable to someone like me, and sometimes when I think that I get to be married to this amazing godly man I can hardly contain my excitement! If I'm at home and no one's around to see me, sometimes I'll jump up and down ridiculously because of it :P
- Marriage is all about learning and growing! What seemed like an earth-shattering problem two months ago is passed and almost forgotten today, and I'm sure that issues I've never even thought of will someday loom ominously in our life - but as we keep growing in our knowledge of and love for God and each other, I know that we can overcome them as well. And my hope is that it will keep being so awesomely fun in addition to all these wonderful deeper things! Because my husband is pretty much my favorite person in the world to spend time with, and no one can make me laugh like he can, and I don't want this to be just a "newlywed thing" that passes with time. When we're old I still want to be inseparable, and to find him my best companion and dearest friend :)
What do you think, those of you who are more experienced in this area than myself? I'm sure I am still pretty clueless about marriage, and I would love to hear other people's wisdom and insight :)
Bah Hah! First comment from a single lady. No marriage advice here!
ReplyDeleteI mostly just wanted to tell you about the ginormous grin on my face as I picture you doing a "yay, I am married!" dance. It's awesome.
As far as what you've learned, about yourself and your husband and God and relationships, I will say that you are very insightful. I am not married, I do not live with my significant other, but I spend a lot of time with him at his place. He has allowed me space in his life, and we have shared our lives with one another as we have lived and grown. It is so wonderful to trust someone else with who you are, and to trust them enough to ask for what you need in the relationship. And yes, there are many times when I feel like I am unworthy of the whole thing, or like my shortcomings are rubbing off on him. And that is horrible.
I have nothing to add other than to let you know that you are so wonderful to communicate with on the blogosphere. :)
:) I'm now picturing your grin and it makes me happy :)
ReplyDeleteIt is awful to feel unworthy of a relationship like that :( I think though that it's pretty common, and that it is the result of putting two truths together in the wrong way. The first truth is that no one is worthy of love or trust, because we're all sinners and we all hurt each other, sometimes intentionally. The second truth is that everyone needs other people to love and trust them, to encourage and support them and build them up. The wrong way to connect those two is to say, oh no, this important person in my life needs someone to really love him, and I am utterly incapable of loving him like I should, so I'm a worthless failure and maybe shouldn't even try, so he can find someone better. (At least for me, this response is pretty emotional rather than rational).
On the other side, we can realize that we're all unworthy but we're also all needy, and so even in our unworthiness we're able to help meet the needs of other people, especially when we do it with Christ as our example and foundation. If we invest in others even when we feel most unworthy, we'll be able to help them just like they help us even though they feel unworthy too. It works because none of us are perfect :)