The progress of temptation

"For first cometh to the mind the simple suggest, then the strong imagination, afterwards pleasure, evil affection, assent. And so little by little the enemy entereth in altogether, because he was not resisted at the beginning." - Thomas a Kempis, Imitation of Christ.

At the root of a lot (if not all) of my emotional struggles is pride and a love of self. I don't want to fail, I want people to admire and respect me, and I want to receive praise and approval. I want to be perfect before men and God so that I don't have to worry about losing their love or esteem. So when I make a mistake at work, or say something out of turn, or unintentionally offend someone, it is a really big deal to me - not because it isn't glorifying to God, but because it reflects badly on me. The focus is all on myself. Because of this, I become angry, frustrated, sad, discouraged, and even despairing far too easily. Those emotions aren't necessarily sinful in and of themselves, but they are in this context the sinful fruit of pride and self-love and the choice to believe in a lie rather than in God's revealed truth.

So often, when I feel those emotions beginning to stir within me, I give in to them. I'm simultaneously terrified and intrigued by the depths of darkness to which they can take me, and so the sin doesn't long remain a simple suggestion - it almost immediately becomes a strong imagination, difficult to cast out of my mind, and in a perverse way I even find myself taking pleasure in the darkness. It becomes familiar and comfortable, even as it is hateful to me, and the simple knowledge of how different life would be without that darkness makes me nervous about trying to entirely leave it behind me (it's like the attachment of the ghost in C.S. Lewis's Great Divorce to the lizard on his shoulder that makes him miserable - even as he wants to be free, he can hardly stand to make the choice to irrevocably lose the odious creature). I like knowing I can retreat there, to my refuge of pain and pride, when I need to. But God is a far better refuge, and the joy He offers is far greater and richer.