I'm getting married tomorrow!!!

So tomorrow I'm getting married and I am finding it a little hard to fully comprehend. It is going to be so different than life has been before! I keep fluctuating between crazily excited and horribly nervous :P Everything will be so wonderful, but there's still so much to do and remember and I hope I don't forget anything important!

I think one of my favorite things about this wedding, besides the most important part of all which is that I get to marry the man I love most in all the world and who loves me back so unreservedly, is that all the different aspects of the wedding have been managed and carried out by people I know and love. The food for the reception, the music for the ceremony, the wedding cake, the photography, and more, were all made possible by people I've known for years, which makes things a lot more comfortable for a confirmed introvert such as myself :) It also makes everything a lot more meaningful and personal, which is very special to me.

So to all of you who have helped make this day so precious to me - from those of you who put in days of time and effort and thought to those who gave whatever few hours you could - thank you so very much! It means so much to me, and I feel so blessed and honored to begin this next chapter in my life with your love and community surrounding and supporting me.

Thoughts on tornadoes and what follows them

During lunch, I always manage to catch up a little on what's going on in the world because the TV in the break room is left on, and I also am subjected to a barrage of advertisements. I appreciate the former; the latter, not so much! Understandably, the recent/current tornadoes in Missouri and Oklahoma (and really throughout that region of the country, I guess) were the dominating topic on during lunch. The power of a tornado is terrifying, and the devastation it leaves in its wake is so saddening. I've never seen destruction like that in person and it's hard to imagine it being my life, my town, or my home in that situation.

What I found interesting on a somewhat tangential note, though, were a couple commercials that aired during my lunch break. In the first, the camera pans over a scene of destruction - a building is crumpled and torn, with personal belongings strewn randomly over the wreckage, and a family is looking at what had been their home with shock and grief. In the bottom left corner of the screen, this whole time, is the name of an insurance agency, and the commercial ends by saying that this agency is not just a company, but your friend, and will be there for you even in that kind of disaster. The second was a typical commercial for a law firm, pointing out all the opportunities you might have for a lawsuit if you had suffered in the recent storms.

Both of them made me so angry! The first made me more upset, honestly, because the second one verged on being ludicrous. But the first used and manipulated people's emotions - people who have just lived through that devastation or are in immediate fear of it happening to them - simply to gain business. These companies don't air ads just to help other people. After all, they are businesses and they need to gain a profit (I have no problem with that). However, I think they should be honest about that instead of taking advantage of people who are hurting or afraid. It seems like the ethical thing to do.

I trust in Your deliverance

This is from one of my favorite psalms:

"I love the Lord, because He has heard
My voice and my supplications.
Because He has inclined His ear to me,
Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live...

For You have delivered my soul from death,
My eyes from tears,
And my feet from falling.
I will walk before the Lord
In the land of the living."

Psalm 116:1-2, 8-9

I do choose to trust You, God, to deliver me now and always as You have delivered me in the past, and to hear me when I cry to You as You have always heard me before. You will not forsake Your child in times of trouble and sorrow, for You are always faithful.

A beautiful work

Yesterday morning our pastor preached on the beginning of Matthew 26, including a little story that has long been one of my favorites. A woman (identified in John as Mary the sister of Lazarus) breaks a flask of expensive oil over Jesus' head, anointing Him with it, and the disciples (specifically Judas, as John again points out) become indignant because they feel like it was a waste, when it could have instead been sold and the money used to care for the poor. But I love Jesus' response:

"Why do you trouble the woman? For she has done a good work for Me." (v10)

That word "good" is translated as "beautiful" in other versions; I looked it up on Blue Letter Bible's handy online concordance and found the word can mean: beautiful, excellent, surpassing, precious, admirable, praiseworthy, or honorable (among other things). That concept of her act being a beautiful work really stands out to me, and I think maybe it could help me better understand what beauty is in God's eyes. So why was this particular act so beautiful and precious to Jesus? I think there are three primary reasons.

First, it was wholehearted and unreserved. She held nothing back from Him, and offered to Him what was probably the most valuable thing she owned. She didn't give grudgingly or out of compulsion, but freely and richly out of the depths of her love for Him.

Second, it was an act of worship. She knew who He was - the Son of God and the Messiah - and was honoring Him accordingly, submitting herself to Him and living for His glory. In addition, she wasn't doing it to gain the admiration or approval of the other people watching. She simply wanted to praise and glorify Jesus.

Finally, it was born out of knowledge of and submission to His plan. The disciples still didn't entirely understand that Jesus' plan was to suffer and die, but she did, and anointed Him for His burial. When they did begin to understand what He meant to do, they tried to change His plan, but she accepted it in trust and chose to follow and honor Him as He worked out His purpose. That is the attitude God wants us to have, I think - one of acceptance and trust, giving honor and worship to Him.

So we and our works are beautiful to God when we follow the pattern Mary set, regardless of what the world or even other Christians think of us. What matters is our heart before God - that we submit to His plan and worship Him without holding any part of us back from Him.

Learning to trust

In the past few days I've started rereading one of my favorite books, Trusting God by Jerry Bridges (it seemed like it'd be a good book to read to help me get my perspective and attitude back in the right place since I've been frustrated and angry with God, you know?), and a few lines in chapter two really stood out to me:

"God's providence is His constant care for and His absolute rule over all His creation for His own glory and the good of His people ... nothing, not even the smallest virus, escapes His care and control."

"He has designed His eternal purpose so that His glory and our good are inextricably bound together ... just as certainly as God will allow nothing to subvert His glory, so He will allow nothing to spoil the good He is working out in us and for us."

"Our suffering has meaning and purpose in God's eternal plan, and He brings or allows to come into our lives only that which is for His glory and our good" (emphasis mine)

It's been encouraging to me to meditate on how God is in control of everything and is also at the same time good, loving, and faithful - that He has both the power and the goodness needed to work out His plan for His glory and for the good of His people. It is the combination of those two characteristics that makes Him trustworthy! And if He is trustworthy, and if He truly does have a purpose for all the things that come into my life, than I probably shouldn't be complaining so much about the parts I don't like!

So my challenge now is to choose to trust God with things that are hard for me - specifically the internal emotional issue that made me so angry earlier this week - even if I don't see why God is allowing it to remain. What I wanted to do for fun, though, and hopefully for encouragement as well, is to try to identify at least one way in which this burden has been used for His glory or for the good of His people. If I can find one in either the past or the present, then it will help give me hope for the future, I think - not hope that the burden will be removed, but hope that He will continue to use it. If not, then I will do my best to trust Him with it anyway, and have that same hope, because He has promised and He is faithful.

Could You just fix me now?

Yesterday, I was angry at God. I don't think I am angry at God very often, because for me to be angry at Him means that I have decided in my own head what is right and good and loving and have judged Him for not doing that. Usually I do a better job of trusting Him - being confused and bewildered and hurt, but coming to Him for comfort rather than in anger. But I didn't want comfort yesterday. I didn't want to be held in His love or to rest in His mercy or to find strength in His grace. I just wanted Him to do what I have prayed so long that He would do (which is to get rid of the darkness and depression that I tend to struggle with).

I'm not quite as angry today but I still don't want comfort. I want change! I want my heart and my mind to be transformed, for the struggle to completely disappear so I won't have to constantly wrestle with it! And you know what? I can't do that on my own. I've tried, and I know! Fixing myself just isn't feasible, and every time I try I am left feeling more and more like a failure. So I'm dependent on God for this, and because I obviously can't control Him either I'm stuck waiting for Him to act in His timing and plan (which I know intellectually is better than mine, but I still don't like waiting!).

As I keep thinking about this, though, this one particular passage keeps coming to my mind (who knows, maybe God is trying to make me listen...). I identify with Paul when he says, "Concerning this thing (which he describes as a "messenger of Satan to buffet me") I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me." It feels a bit self-exalting to say that I identify with Paul in something but I don't mean it that way. I just want this darkness to go away forever, and I keep pleading with God to take it away, and He doesn't seem to be doing so. Maybe He wants me to learn that when He says "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness," He means it and it is true. That's a hard verse to live by, though. Sometimes I think I would much rather be fixed and not have to depend on His grace quite so much! But this idea of His strength being made perfect in my weakness - I like that part. I like the thought of His power resting on me, and His glory shining through me. So I'm going to try to keep putting my struggle in this light, whenever it feels too strong for me, and remember that His strength is there in my weakness. I don't think just reading this verse is going to fix anything, but maybe it will help encourage me to press on in faith.

Why?

Why is it so hard, sometimes, to believe the things that God has said?

Why is it so hard to believe that He loves me when I see that He suffered and died for me, out of love, so that He could be reconciled to me and I could be His child?

Why is it so hard to believe that I am covered by the righteousness of Christ and set free from the condemnation and wrath of God when He has told me so many times in His word?

Why is it so hard to believe that He looks at me as His beloved and precious treasure when I have felt His arms holding me with comfort and strength in the midst of my bewilderment and sorrow?

Why is it so hard to believe that I am forgiven and that He is not angry at me when time and time again He has been there for me and with me in the darkness and the pain?

Why is it so hard to believe the truth that could set me free from the lies that torment me, when I have no reason not to trust that my God is unfailingly faithful and true?

"God is not a man, that He should lie... has He spoken, and will He not make it good?" (Numbers 23:19) But I still find it so hard, sometimes, to believe the things He says.

Nearsightedness

Finally, after at least six months of delay, I took myself over to the opthamologist's office this morning to get my glasses repaired. I ended up having to schedule an appointment for an eye exam and will get an entirely new set of lenses and frames because my current frames are irreparable, but that's beside the point. The point is that for a brief period of time my glasses were not with me but were in the hands of another person in another room where I couldn't see them or have access to them. Effectually, I was rendered rather blind for this period of time! I am extremely near-sighted and even with my good eye I can't see clearly more than six inches in front of my face (my bad eye is significantly worse).

When my vision is that bad and I don't have my glasses, I find myself actually feeling afraid, even when I know where I am and there is nothing threatening in the environment (my opthamologist's office is a very quiet and peaceful place). If I let myself, I'll even start breathing more quickly than normal, and I tend to hold on to something near me, like a table or counter, and keep my eyes focused on something close enough to see clearly. It is, at least for me, a rather stressful experience.

I noticed an analogy in it today, though. Maybe (I thought as I tried to keep my mind off my inability to see what was going on around me) my spiritual and emotional fears have a similar root cause. That is, maybe I am afraid of things like failure and rejection because my spiritual eyes have become nearsighted and I'm not using my glasses (the glasses of prayer and time spent with God in His word) to help me clearly see the bigger picture of His plan and the things of eternity. Honestly, I think that if I were able to more completely follow Paul's injunction in Colossians to "set [my] mind on things above, not on things on the earth", I would have far fewer fears in life. Maybe I wouldn't be so afraid of the people I love rejecting me, because I would be more assured of the unconditional and sufficient love of Christ holding me up through all trials and sorrows. Maybe I wouldn't be so afraid of failing in little everyday things (like cooking a good meal) because I would be more confident in the knowledge that I am perfect before God through the righteousness of His Son.

And maybe, if I weren't so filled with fears, I would be able to think of and reach out to other people more, because I wouldn't need to work so hard at protecting myself - and that would be a very good thing indeed.

Keeping Him in sight

Following Jesus is hard sometimes.

No kidding, right? If you've been trying to follow Him for any length of time I'm sure you're already aware of this! I was specifically thinking, though, about how it can be hard to follow Him with regards to the choices we have to make for our future and the paths we take in life. Sometimes we don't see His leading very clearly, or we are apprehensive or fearful about the path we know He wants us to take, or we don't enjoy the path He's leading us on, and so on.

The key is to follow Him anyways - to take the step that has been revealed, even if we have no idea where it will take us or what the next step after it will be. Maybe it doesn't seem like any step has been revealed right now; in that case, the key is to keep your eyes and your heart fixed on Him. Actually, that is the key to following Him at all! Our steps become uncertain when we take our eyes off of Him and look at the potential dangers around our path, like Peter did when he was walking on the waves to Jesus and began to listen to his fears. When we are following Him, however, we can continue in the fearlessness of assured trust.

"For a long way Aslan went along the top of the precipices. Then they came to a place where some little trees grew right on the edge. He turned and disappeared among them. Lucy held her breath, for it looked as if he had plunged over the cliff; but she was too busy keeping him in sight to stop and think about this... From behind her she heard the voices of the others shouting, 'Hi! Lucy! Look out, for goodness' sake. You're right on the edge of the gorge. Come back -' and then, a moment later, Edmund's voice saying, 'No, she's right. There is a way down.'" - C.S. Lewis, Prince Caspian

Living intentionally: prayer and respect

I can hardly believe that I'm getting married in 17 days! Marriage has always seemed like a far-away, grown-up thing and now it is right here practically on top of me! I guess I am sort of an adult now :P

Anyway, I found a blog post today that had some marriage advice that seemed pretty good to me (obviously I haven't tried any of it yet!). I really liked her practical advice about establishing times to pray together as a couple, because I can see that as being something that could get neglected if we aren't intentional about making it happen, unless Paul is far superior to me in this area of life, which could definitely be the case :) She suggests that you commit to praying together twice each day: once in the morning when you wake up and once at night before you go to sleep - and if someone is asleep, the other person can wake them up to pray! I am a fan of praying but not so much of being woken up... I know that it is worth the inconvenience, though :) A marriage needs (that seems like such a weak word!) to have God as its center and focus to survive and flourish with love and joy, and prayer together seems like a really good way to strive to keep Him as the foundation.

Another thing she wrote that I really liked - well, I liked the whole thing a lot and I'm having trouble choosing just a couple things to elaborate on - but anyways, one other thing that spoke to me was her counsel to "bathe your husband in respect in every possible way you can." I don't have an internal issue with respecting my fiance, because I admire him in so many different ways for so many different things, and I really value his desire to seek God and his heart for other people. However, I think there are definitely times when I don't show that respect in my interactions with him and with others, just because I don't consciously think about it! So that is something I want to improve as well.

Anyways, if you are also nearing marriage (or are already in it, or are just curious) you should go check out her post and read the whole thing! I think it is really valuable.

Waiting for renewal

On my walk to work this morning I passed by a pigeon skeleton on the sidewalk. Ants had consumed the edible portions of the carcass, leaving only the bones (I know this because I passed it yesterday as well and it was swarming). I was a little repulsed by it, honestly; I walked past on the far side of the sidewalk. But I started thinking that death and all that goes with it - pain and decay, for instance - are just as much a part of nature as dewy leaves in the morning and golden sunsets in the evening. It's easy for me at least to focus on the good parts of nature: the beauty, glory, grandeur, and intricacy that reflect God's character and bear witness to Him. Now, I don't think that is a bad thing in general! However, if I forget that creation is fallen - that it is not the ultimate good, but is under the curse of sin even as I am - that is bad.

So when I see these very palpable reminders of the presence of sin and death in the world it should be a reminder to me that lasting hope and life can't be found in nature, no matter how much comfort or happiness I can find in it at any given time. Those things can only be found in God, in whom creation itself is hoping for redemption and renewal with us, and the One who created and gave us nature is the One I ought to be looking to for my needs and hoping in for my future.

Mother's Day

I've been pretty busy today spending time with my mom (and family) and my fiance's mom (and family) and it was awesome! It is so nice to spend time with people who love and enjoy each other, and to help make the day special for the moms whom it is intended to honor :)

My mom is such a blessing to me! Her heart is so full of love for her family, and she is always willing to serve others and volunteer her time and energy and skills wherever they're needed. Thinking back as far as I can remember, I can call up countless memories of time she spent with me and my brother and sister, teaching and laughing and living life together. I remember reading books together, skipping rope together, picking blueberries together, baking together, studying math and history and geography together, and on and on and on - she has always been the constant presence that made our house a home and knit our family together, and I am so incredibly grateful to her for all that she is and does.

I love you Mom! :)

A brief thought about kindness

This is a corollary to my previous post, People are so nice :). If one person doing one simple kind thing for me made my day, and made me happy enough to post online about it, then there is absolutely no reason at all for me not to do little kindnesses for people as I go through my day! Clearly I don't have to do something extraordinary or earth-shattering to make someone's day a little brighter, and being able to bring a smile to someone's face or happiness to their heart is definitely motivation enough for me to look outside myself and pay attention to the details that can make a difference.

People are so nice :)

At the lab where I work there are these two middle-aged facilities guys who are just awesome. Basically every day, they are down in the basement where I work to fix something, usually together, and they always stop by to say hi and joke around with us. They especially like teasing my boss, Jason, which is quite amusing because Jason is a pretty fun guy too :) But we tease them back so it's ok! When Shrek the Musical was in town, for example, we decided that they were Shrek and Donkey - one of them is taller and bigger and happened to be wearing a green shirt, and the other is shorter and smaller and was wearing brown so it was rather fitting - and asked them how the show was going whenever they came by :)

Anyway I was talking to "Shrek" yesterday about how I was working extra hours to get comp time so I could take some days off the week before the wedding to prepare, because he had asked how long I'd be gone for the wedding (my answer was essentially until I run out of vacation time!). In response he said he should talk to my boss to see if he'd give me another day or so off for the wedding, which kind of surprised me. I kind of thought he was just joking, and I thought he meant he'd talk to Jason (and I don't think Jason has the power to do that :P). But when I ran into him again today he said he'd talked to Mike, the lab manager, and told him he should give me extra time off for the wedding! So I don't know if anything will come of that; I don't really expect it to. Regardless, it was a really nice thing for this guy to do for me :) I am always blown away when people do nice things for me like that, when they don't know me that well and I've never done anything for them! It definitely made my day :)

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

If you listen to Christian radio on a regular basis, you're probably familiar with Laura Story's song "Blessings". I know I've heard it many times! Today I listened a little more closely to the lyrics, though, and all of a sudden this song that had just been another nice song had me almost crying as I drove to work.

"We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear.
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near.
We doubt Your goodness,
We doubt Your love,
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough.
And all the while You hear each desperate plea,
And long that we'd have faith to believe"

It is so true! When I'm struggling with sins I can't conquer, or feelings I can't control, or desires I know I shouldn't have but can't get rid of, I start to get angry with God. I'm like, I have come to You about these things so many times, so why am I still struggling with them? Are You still there? Do You still love me? And I do this despite the countless times that I have felt Him holding me in the midst of sorrow and protecting me when I have felt utterly alone and helpless. The testimony of the Word and of my own life is that God is unfailingly faithful, unconditionally loving, and unalterably righteous, and that He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5), and it seems to me that trusting Him to be those things will cause joy to bloom even in the most barren and desolate times.

By faith...

I've been thinking about some things my fiance said this morning about faith. He read Hebrews 11 (the "faith chapter") and found it really encouraging and inspiring because there are so many examples in there of people who had faith in God in hard times when they couldn't see what lay ahead. God calls us to have faith in Him - to trust in Him when we don't understand why He is allowing things to happen the way they are, and to choose to obey Him even when we can't foresee or are anxious about the consequences of that obedience. He calls us to lay aside fear and instead live by faith (the two don't dwell together very comfortable, in my experience).

In return, He gives us these assurances (among others; these are the two we talked about): that He will reward those who seek Him and that He is not ashamed to be our God. The first gives me confidence that I can leave my future in His hands and focus on following and knowing Him rather than on making sure my life is and will remain comfortable and well planned-out. The second gives me incredible joy! When we come to Him in faith, even though all our insecurities and flaws and sins trail along with us, He will not turn us away or hide His face from us. He loves us! He is not ashamed to call us His children.

And He tells me I am His own...

Hymns and contemporary worship songs are often so rich with both meaning and beauty, pairing the truth of the Word with music. So I don't mind at all when one gets stuck in my head because I can get so much out of having those words going around in my mind all day long :) Today this old hymn went around with me for a while:

"I come to the garden alone,

While the dew is still on the roses,

And the voice I hear, falling on my ear,

The Son of God discloses.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,

And He tells me I am His own;

And the joy we share as we tarry there,

None other has ever known.

He speaks, and the sound of His voice,

Is so sweet the birds hush their singing,

And the melody that He gave to me,

Within my heart is ringing."

Thinking about that kind of intimacy with God brings tears to my eyes because it is so amazing! He tells me I am His own - He accepts me, and wants me, and chooses me, with all my sins and flaws. He speaks to me, He puts a song of joy in my heart, and He pours His love and grace over me in more abundance than I can fathom! How wonderful is our God!

Hello, this is me, and these are my thoughts :)

I'm a little nervous about starting a blog, to tell you the truth. I'm nervous no one will read it and it will be pointless - and I'm worried people will read it and judge me. I'm scared I'll say too much and make myself emotionally vulnerable online, and I'm afraid that I'll be too superficial and leave my posts devoid of meaning. (My worries are rather conflicting, if you hadn't noticed :P)

But then I thought, I've been wanting a way to write and share my thoughts for a while now, and if no one wants to read them, that's ok with me :) I'll still get to write them! (and pretend I'm sharing them, which might make me feel good :P)

So this blog will be as random as my thoughts and it will probably often be about God and the Bible and whatever books I am reading at the time because I think about those things a lot and they make me wonder about life, which can lead to good thoughts (at least in my opinion). Oh and I'm getting married in a little over three weeks so that will probably find its way into these posts as I plan for the wedding and then adjust to being married afterwards - I'm pretty sure that will give me a lot to think about! :)

Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading and maybe every now and then get something valuable from what I've written!