A path to lasting joy

When someone serves you thoughtfully and lovingly, it can really make you feel awesome! For instance, when I got home from work yesterday and was relaxing for a minute on the couch while baking cake after dinner (I tend to make my evenings as busy at home as my days are busy away from home), Paul casually rubbed my foot and it felt so good. I hadn't realized how tense and sore my feet and legs were! But you know what was even better? When I mentioned how good that little rub made me feel, he got all excited and asked if he could rub my feet! Oh my goodness that was nice. It was a kind and thoughtful act performed in a way that made me feel special to him instead of a burden on him (serving with a poor attitude can make the person you're helping feel worse than if you'd done nothing, unfortunately), and it filled up my heart with gratitude and love. But if I came home every night and expected Paul to serve me, without doing or even desiring to do anything for him out of my love for him, that joy I feel in receiving his love would soon fade and wither away. Joy and self-centeredness cannot coexist. Pleasure can survive for a while longer, but even that eventually dies under the scorching sun of selfishness, and in time the one served comes to look upon the one loving and serving with contempt (unless by God's grace the hardened heart is softened enough to begin to love in return). So I find that in giving myself and my time and my energy to Paul - to try to serve him and love him thoughtfully, gently, and reverently - not thinking of what I might gain but of how I might pour over him the fullness of my love for him - a spring of joy starts up in my own soul. By choosing to make another's happiness my goal, even though I do it stumbling like a child learning to walk, I find more true happiness and joy for myself than if I had pursued my own wellbeing with all the passion and strength I could muster. It's interesting how that works, isn't it? When we follow the commands of God - to consider others better than ourselves, to look out for their needs, or to imitate Jesus in our relationships with other people (and remember, He washed His disciples' feet!) - we end up with more joy and peace and fulfillment than when we try to forge our own paths to obtain those things! Now let's see if I can remember this the next time I'm in the middle of a conflict between doing what I know is best, to show love for someone else, and doing what makes me feel comfortable and happy in the moment...

Four Months!

That's right, I've been married to my Paul four months today! And I am so glad that I get to be married to such a wonderful man :)

Anyway, from this lofty vantage point and exceeding amount of experience, here are some thoughts on marriage in general as seen through the lens of this one particular marriage that I'm a part of:

 - Marriage forces a person to open their eyes to their own weaknesses and shortcomings. When you are constantly living with someone, and you want this person to think well of you and love you, and you want to show them that you love and adore them as well, you're demanding a lot of your sin-burdened self! Because no matter how hard you try, you're not going to be perfect all the time! It just isn't possible! And since there is so much increased desire to be perfect, for the sake of the person you love and sometimes maybe out of fear that they'll stop loving you, every little mistake is going to feel like an insurmountable failure, and if you're anything like me you'll become quite a mess :P But eventually out of that emotional mess you'll start to see where your real weaknesses are, and you'll learn how to work on them with the grace of God and the help of the Spirit. That is a good place to be :)

 - Marriage can help you learn how to trust God as well as another fallible human being (or, it can turn you into an anxious wreck; it's really up to you). As a single, I would look into my future and worry about all the unknowns ahead, and now that I'm married I realize that those unknowns have not just doubled when Paul was added into the picture - they have increased exponentially! If I let myself, I could be completely consumed by those worries. Since they're a bit much for me to worry about and still go on with daily life, though, it's made me take them to God in prayer, and try to trust Him with those worries, and also try to trust Paul with the worries that are more specifically related to him (usually unfounded worries about our relationship - I worry easily). In essence, by making the burden of anxiety greater, marriage has been instrumental in teaching me to trust and find peace in that trust.

 - Marriage can be a wellspring of joy filling and overflowing your heart into all that you do :) Learning how to serve, love, and be loved by another person translates into learning how to serve, love, and be loved by God more fully and completely (at least for me), and both of those bring incredible joy to a person's life. There is a sense of belonging, of purpose, and of security that is indescribably valuable to someone like me, and sometimes when I think that I get to be married to this amazing godly man I can hardly contain my excitement! If I'm at home and no one's around to see me, sometimes I'll jump up and down ridiculously because of it :P

 - Marriage is all about learning and growing! What seemed like an earth-shattering problem two months ago is passed and almost forgotten today, and I'm sure that issues I've never even thought of will someday loom ominously in our life - but as we keep growing in our knowledge of and love for God and each other, I know that we can overcome them as well. And my hope is that it will keep being so awesomely fun in addition to all these wonderful deeper things! Because my husband is pretty much my favorite person in the world to spend time with, and no one can make me laugh like he can, and I don't want this to be just a "newlywed thing" that passes with time. When we're old I still want to be inseparable, and to find him my best companion and dearest friend :)

What do you think, those of you who are more experienced in this area than myself? I'm sure I am still pretty clueless about marriage, and I would love to hear other people's wisdom and insight :)

Living and loving

When a person does something kind for another person, and does it genuinely intending to be kind, there are two main motivating reasons: first, they are doing it out of love for the other person; second, they are doing it in hopes that the other person will love them. At least, these are the two contrasting motivations I have seen in my own life, as I go about trying to do things for others and for God, and I like to think that I'm not the only person with this struggle :) Sometimes, selfless acts and encouraging words spring up from a heart full of God's love and eager to pass it on; other times, I force those acts and words up from a desperately dry and empty heart yearning to be filled by another's love. If I am secure in the belief that I am loved by God no matter what - that I don't need to strive to be righteous to merit His love or to keep it from fading away - then it is far easier to genuinely love others and act towards them not just in the right way, but with the right heart and attitude. It allows me to gain the confidence I need to show love to other people out of genuine love (growing ever more like God's love, hopefully) instead of in a self-centered attempt to win their love in return.

The difference between serving someone out of love for them and serving them in hopes of earning their love is incredibly vast. In the first there is joy, confidence, and inner peace; in the second there is loneliness, a pervading sense of unworthiness, and constant fear. I feel like this is a very basic concept that I am only now fully starting to experientially understand :P But now that I am beginning to grasp it, and to see the fullness of life that comes from living out of God's love, that is what I am going to try to do. Instead of thinking, "I ought to make supper so Paul will keep loving me" (as a rather simple example), I can think "I love Paul! And I have this opportunity to bless him by making him supper!" However, that capacity to love another person and have that love be the foundation of my actions toward them can only come from God, from walking close to Him through every part of every day, from drinking in His word and constantly turning to Him in prayer. This is probably why I have so much trouble with it - I am trying to manufacture love on my own instead of channeling it through my heart from the overflowing spring of God's love. So here's to relying on God, right? :) He is our strength, as the Psalms are continually reminding us, and if we build our lives on Him He will not let us down.

The forward march of society towards the gates of hell

I have been mulling today over an idea whose original source I cannot recall. Namely, in the battle being fought between the forces of Satan and the kingdom of God in this world, Satan's side has developed an interesting strategy for increasing the burden of sin in our society: he has chosen to make sin appear normative, so that through the constant onslaught of words, images, and ideas young people will grow up thinking that these sins are simply part of life, and will not be righteously angered or saddened by them even if they have grown up in the church and know God's word. The acceptance of those sins in society will be one of the unquestioned elements of their culture, imbibed unthinkingly, like racism was for much of the 20th century, and a culturally normative moral standard (because, being created in the image of God, people desire some sort of standard for living by) will be built around that acceptance. I would guess, for what it's worth, that this new moral standard will value such qualities as "tolerance", "open-mindedness", "respect for others" (indifference for others and thus a lack of concern for their actions), "peace" (silencing of the truth for the sake of superficial harmonious relationships), "love" (bondage to emotions and temporary passions, at the expense of duties and responsibilities), and "authenticity" (the courage to rebel against tradition and order and to pursue what is best for oneself no matter what anyone else says). For this reason it will be difficult to stand on the side of righteousness without coming across as different, radical, intolerant, and offensive.

One area in which this is already very clear is that of divorce. It is almost hard for me to say that divorce is wrong, because there are so many different extenuating circumstances and I don't want to offend anyone - and in that reluctance to admit that it is always outside of God's ideal and almost always blatant sin, I show the effects of growing up in a culture where something that is wrong according to the Bible is common and accepted by society. If I say it is wrong for a wife to leave her husband because she doesn't feel loved and no longer enjoys his company or shares his interests, I am incriminating not a few people I know personally and many more people who are the family and friends of others whom I know personally. That isn't fun, and it isn't comfortable. When that is the case, it is far easier to keep quiet about the issue than to speak up and risk hurting, offending, or alienating the people in life. The admonition in Ephesians, to expose sin with the light of God and make it manifest in all its ugliness, is conveniently ignored. Similarly, it has become difficult to say clearly in conversation that sexual activity outside of marriage is wrong. While not quite as common or acceptable (at least within Christian circles) as divorce, it is all too rampant in society as a whole, and speaking up about it will most likely cause you to be labeled old-fashioned or patriarchal, a prude who is against women's rights (there is a good amount of anger and a fair amount of sympathy directed against a woman who argues for this position, as if she must have been brainwashed in order to be so blind to the good of free and easy sex; it is amusing to be on the receiving end of this sentiment). The social stigma - almost a sense of shame - that accompanies being a virgin past a certain age is proof that the sinfulness of the behavior has been almost completely obscured.

Unfortunately, just as virtue builds upon itself in growing towards a more complete righteousness, so also sin builds upon itself in growing towards a darker state of evil. If divorce is considered normal and happens frequently (which it does), the institution of marriage is weakened to the point of near-meaninglessness to those who see it without Christian lenses (which it is), and there is little or no firm ground on which to stand in defending it against the entrance of homosexual partnerships, which will in turn lead to the social acceptability of the sin of homosexuality. If sex outside of marriage seen as acceptable, and not only acceptable but even desirable and even a right (which it all too often is), it will lead to the acceptance of abortion because the second sin is needed to manage the consequences of the first one. Accepting one sin leads to accepting another, not because all those who divorce have homosexual inclinations (far from it!), or because all those who have illicit sex intend to kill their offspring, but because it changes the moral boundary line recognized by society so that the second sin is no longer so far removed from what is considered normal. The road to hell is traveled by the small and almost imperceptible steps a society takes as it shakes off the obfuscating web of Christian tradition and moral norms, and the challenge for those of us who still adhere to those norms is to keep our eyes from being blinded and our light from being dimmed by acceptance of the standards of the culture around us.

Complaining in the face of His goodness

"Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget not all His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." - Psalm 103:2-5

I tend to complain a lot sometimes. Even the smallest thing, like forgetting the envelope for a birthday card or not getting a left turn arrow on my drive home, can make me irritated or cause me to feel like a failure (depending on whether or not I feel like the problem should have been within my control). I don't keep the blessings of God in my perspective, and so all those countless little things that happen every day appear to be of gargantuan proportions. Honestly, it can be quite overwhelming!

But here I am reminded of all the amazing things that God is doing for me faithfully and constantly, through all the little ups and downs of life. I may sin, and sin is bad and hurts me and the other people involved - but it is not the end of the world because God is forgiving my sins. I may feel like a broken failure of a person, spiritually and relationally and emotionally, but I can put my hope in God who will heal and transform me. I may think that everything in my life is going wrong and know that I am powerless to pull everything back together into order and goodness, but I can trust in God who has before and always will redeem me from the destruction that lays in wait for my life. In the midst of all the struggles and sorrows and hardships of life - however trivial or however significant - I can remember that God freely pours out on me His great love and kindness and mercy, and delights to refresh and renew me even as I walk weary and burdened through the dark valley. With such a God, there is no reason for me to complain, and every reason for me to live each day with thanksgiving and joy.

Jesus, lover of my soul

I made the acquaintance of a lovely old hymn this Sunday, and was planning to post a stanza or so here to show you the beauty and power of its words (unfortunately, it's harder for me to show you on a blog the beauty of its music, which is exceedingly great). But each time I read through the lyrics, I find another line that jumps out at me. The last two lines of the fourth verse leading into the fifth verse are probably my favorite right now, though:

"Just and holy is Thy Name, I am all unrighteousness;
False and full of sin I am; Thou art full of truth and grace.

Plenteous grace with Thee is found, grace to cover all my sin;
Let the healing streams abound; make and keep me pure within.
Thou of life the fountain art, freely let me take of Thee;
Spring Thou up within my heart; rise to all eternity."

It is so wonderful to know that although we are sinners, "all unrighteousness", there is in Christ grace enough to cover all that sin - and not only to merely cover it, but also to genuinely transform us within, to truly make us pure. And He lets us partake of that marvelous grace and life so freely! Praise His name!

A priority choice

In reading about feministic careerism vs. traditional homemaking (which I very frequently do), I have found that very often the difference is one of priorities. In the first, personal fulfillment and economic prosperity are highly valued, and in the second, family and children are highly valued. In the first, the important thing is to have stuff and to keep up appearances:

"...even college-educated men in their 20s and 30s will have a tough time pulling in the cash to pay for the house, two cars and nursery school. The simply truth is that most couples need two incomes just to maintain a middle-class life." (Kay Hymowitz, author of the book Manning Up)

The second wonders why maintaining all the trappings of a middle-class life is so important. If they have to live in a smaller house and only own one car, it would be worth it if the wife could be home making that house a place of love and beauty and joy, raising up their children to love and honor God. And if she was at home doing that, the "nursery school" expense would be gone as well.

To me, the first option seems much more self-centered and emotionally sterile. I would rather sacrifice a high-paying career than give up deep and meaningful relationships with my family! Couldn't the love and gratitude of a husband and children be rewarding too, just like the satisfaction of intellectual appetite and the respect of one's colleagues? It seems to me that it could, and that by cultivating humility rather than pride it could also be much better for the state of one's soul.

A poem

A poem written by my great-grandmother Loella Woolley:


My Prayer
Lord, help me not to hurt the ones I love,
Nor ever tread with heavy step
On feelings that are tender -
Feelings that are beautiful and rare.

Forgive me when I've failed to understand
How much some thoughtless act of mine
Can hurt the ones for whom I truly care.

Keep me alert in mind and heart
And never let me walk unthinking,
Blinded by selfish pride,
But help me know that You are there

And waiting to forgive once more
My contrite heart. And when tomorrow dawns
Help me to start anew, as if today had never been.
This is my prayer.

The benefits of obedience

Last night at our weekly Navigator meeting we were privileged to have Jon Sanborne (a local pastor-turned-businessman) as our speaker, talking about the principle and practice of obedience. Although it was encouraging as well, tt was definitely very challenging for me! How much do I intentionally seek to obey the commands of God given in His word? How often do I opt to obey the ones that are easy for me, while ignoring the rest? How frequently do I submit to my emotions instead of surrendering to His law?

An interesting point he made is that while we ought to obey God because He is God and we are His creatures and children, there are also many benefits to that obedience. It helps us grow closer to God, deeper in intimacy with Him, as we conform our behaviors and attitudes to His, and as we meditate more on Him and live out what He desires from us. Very often, He will reward our obedience in some way - if not on earth, still we will be storing up treasure in heaven and winning a crown to lay at His feet. In addition, our obedience to God is a powerful way to make a difference in our world. If we want to change situations or influence people, the best way is to obey God wholeheartedly, drastically, and radically - to truly obey and not just obey whenever we deem fit.

One of the benefits he mentioned that really stood out to me was stability. If we obey God, we build ourselves a character that can withstand the troubles and storms of life, and will not be tossed to and fro by doubts or circumstances or fleeting passions. This kind of stability is something I have been deeply desiring for a while now, as I've seen my emotions, behavior, and attitude go up and down like roller coasters at even very small and insignificant triggers. So it seems that the way to become a more stable person is to stop trying to make myself more stable - to stop making my own improvement my goal - and to instead seek to follow God. To obey Him completely, to know Him intimately, to walk in the way He has established - that ought to be my goal. And I can trust Him to take care of everything else.

The dirt itself rejoices

It can be so easy to be discontented with where I am in life, even when rationally I am convinced that I am where God wants me to be. I look back to the past, and miss things I used to do that, for whatever reason, are no longer a part of my life (like short-term mission trips, or going to my old church), or I miss dreams that I once had that I now know can no longer ever be (at least not in the way I had envisioned them, once upon a time). I look forward to the future, and I see all the hopes and plans and desires I have, and can become impatient in my desiring, unable to wait for them to come to fruition in God's timing. Or I can look at the present, and choose to see only the things that aren't quite right, that make me uncomfortable or anxious or stressed.

You know what the problem is, with this way of looking at the world?

It never leaves you a time to be happy.

The way to be happy - the way to find joy - is to praise God in the present, to seek Him now, to choose to see the beauty in the place and time in which He has set you, to thank Him for His goodness and faithfulness and sovereignty in working out everything - here and now - just the way He has. When you look at the world through eyes of trust and gratitude, you can be content anywhere; when you look at the world through eyes of discontentment, striving to make yourself and your circumstances worthwhile by your own strength, you will never be content though you have everything you thought your heart desired.

When the rain finally falls after a long drought, the dirt itself in its dryness rejoices. Do I rejoice when the rain of His refreshing falls on my thirsty soul, or do I complain that it is not enough?

"Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,
My lips shall praise You.
Thus I will bless You while I live;
I will lift up my hands in Your name.
My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness,
And my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips." - Psalm 63:3-5, emphasis added

His love is enough reason to be satisfied, regardless of what else is happening in my life.

Unfailing love

"Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us." - Romans 8:34

If you would, stop and think about that verse for a while. When I read it on Monday, it shattered the blinders that had been covering my eyes, and melted my heart with the sudden realization of how very much I am loved by God.

See how rich and unfailing is the love of God! It was not demonstrated once only at the Cross, but continues without pause through the present and for all eternity. Jesus our Lord, the One who died on our behalf, is still our mediator, still our intercessor, standing between us and condemnation. We cannot earn such love, but the glorious truth is that we do not need to earn it! He gladly overflows our hearts with it, floods our lives with it, and utterly overwhelms our small attempts at meriting grace with it. Every time we fail and sin again He says, "This one is already covered. She is mine, and I have paid the penalty for her sins, and I hold her fast for all eternity in the depths of my love."

The wisdom of women

I had the great pleasure of attending a friend's baby shower today (her baby girl is due October 7!), and have since been thinking about the three great transitional moments of a woman's life. First a girl becomes a woman; then she becomes a wife; then she becomes a mother. At each moment more traditions are handed down, more memories are passed from one generation to the next - one generation receives the knowledge of all the generations before them, a scroll, so to speak, aged and fragile, colored with the stains of time, bearing our mothers' wisdom. And we read it with eager eyes of anticipation - and then we read it again, with desperate eyes in the frantic stress of life, and we cry our hearts out because all that wisdom cannot solve our problems or make our lives comfortable.

But when we have cried all our tears, and come to the eerie quiet at the bottom of sorrow and struggle, we are reminded that our mothers never promised that their advice would fix all the hardships in our lives. They never claimed that their wisdom would make the situations in which we walk any easier to travel. Rather, they made the even greater claim that if we lived by that wisdom, we would change - that we would be able to bear the burdens life laid upon us, and be able to find peace and strength even in the midst of hardship and grief.

Change hurts. It isn't comfortable or pleasant to undergo the kind of pressure that will actually affect lasting transformation! But at least as women we have the accumulated wisdom of our mothers and grandmothers to guide us through that pressure to the beauty of a changed life. We do not have to walk the path of faith alone; all the women who have walked it before us lend us their support, and freely give to us the grace and knowledge they have won through fire.