A melancholy portrait

As the world tends downwards, and as sin hinders love, a secret sorrow deepens in the heart of a woman. Regrets build up as the years go by - "Why did I date that boy in college? Why didn't I pursue that dream I once had? Why didn't I use my time more wisely when I had more of it? Why didn't I take life seriously when I was younger instead of letting its burdens and responsibilities catch me unawares? Why did I stop reading great books or listening to great music?", and so on - and the walls and the roof of her future close in ominously. Vision narrows, and hope fades. While she knows she has a good life and is doing good things for the people she loves, she has resigned herself to a lack of greatness. She goes through her days dutifully performing the tasks set before her, with an empty soul yearning for some great purpose. Having given up on ever fulfilling her dreams, she limits the scope of her goals and ambitions so that her regret might not come upon her so fiercely. She remembers the words she once heard - that the good is the eternal enemy of the best - but she remembers them in vain, because the good has already conquered. Step by careless step she has forsaken the best her whole life in favor of the good, the expected, the choices that make her family and community satisfied; step by reckless step she has abandoned the crazy single-minded devotion that could have made her life a shining witness to God's glory and power and changed the world. Step by selfish step she has chosen the easy and the accepted, and found too late that joy and fulfillment lay elsewhere. Is it any wonder that sadness dwells in the hidden mazes of her striving, longing, foolish heart?

Contentment, commitment, and love

Love is founded on commitment. It is what allows love to rise above the ebb and flow of emotions to become something enduring and precious. So in order to have a truly lasting love, it is necessary to set your will beneath it - to choose, when emotions are high and love seems to carry all away before it, to keep loving even when those emotions have disappeared and the intoxicating aroma of new love has faded away.

Of all the things that erode this determination of the will, discontentment is, I think, one of the most potent. Cultivating an attitude of discontent will inevitably eat away at one's commitment to another person and thus destroy one's love for that person from within. There is always a fault to be found in one's current situation or with a particular friend or with one's husband or wife. Especially for someone idealistic like me, who is always searching for the best in any situation, it is easy to see those shortcomings! When I was single, for example, I often longed for the union and deep mutual knowing and love of marriage, and now within marriage I keep wondering how our relationship and service to God could be improved and am tempted to compare our marriage with others. Instead of finding ways to serve and honor God at my current job and time of life, I wish that I could be in a more active ministry or even in foreign missions. In every case, the issue lies within my heart: I fail to see the opportunities that lie in my present situation, looking rather at the multitude of opportunities that abound in different situations all around me. I choose to focus on the shortcomings of where I am now instead of on the great blessings that are hidden in these circumstances, and in so doing I allow my heart to be filled with dissatisfaction and discontent - and my love diminishes.

Whence, then does true contentment come? How can I be content in the circumstances and relationships I have now instead of yearning for something else? It comes from the Lord God. If my heart has found its rest in Christ, then it derives full satisfaction from Him alone, regardless of where my life may take me. As the psalmist said,

"How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God!Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings.They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house,And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures." - Psalm 36:7-8

If my deep satisfaction comes from God, then I don't need to look for it in my situation, and I can even have the joy in my heart necessary to see the good and the beautiful in my circumstances no matter what they are. With this contentment, then (stemming from God and opening my eyes to the many blessings I have in my current position), I can strengthen my commitment to the ones I love, and thus build a more lasting love for them.

My soul longs for You like a thirsty land

I am a person of many moods. A compliment, a glimpse of light on falling water, a butterfly, a feeling of God's goodness or nearness, or a fascinating idea, can send me soaring crazily high into happiness. On the other hand, a small troubling thought, a worry about something almost insignificant, a failure to accomplish everything on my to-do list, or a feeling that someone (especially God!) may not be pleased with me, can send me spiraling downward in seconds. In the same day I can be almost overwhelmed with joy, praising God and rejoicing in the blessings He has given me, and then be burdened with the feelings of guilt and unworthiness to the point where it is difficult for me to do anything at all.

Because of this tendency of mine to ride an emotional roller coaster, I have found it extremely important to keep my mind meditating on the truth of God's word. If His promises aren't there in my heart, then I have no guard against those things that would weary my soul and empty my heart of hope. So I read Scripture, and I memorize verses (Psalms are especially encouraging), and I delight in the Lord who loves me, and His word encourages me. But in the darkest times - when the light of joy seems to have set like the sun beyond the horizon, and the night stretches out around me, starless and moonless and void - in those times, my only recourse is to cry out to my God, and cling to Him desperately, my Rock and my Deliverer.

And I found today that the great pray-er of prayers, whose very cries to God were inspired by God, has been in that place, and lifted up his voice to God with words that I can also speak when my own words fail to come from the heavy ache inside me (forgive me for quoting so much of this psalm here; it is just so meaningful to me).

"Hear my prayer, O Lord,
Give ear to my supplications!
In Your faithfulness answer me,
And in Your righteousness.
Do not enter into judgment with Your servant,
For in Your sight no one living is righteous.

For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the ground;
He has made me dwell in darkness,
Like those who have long been dead.
Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart within me is distressed. 

I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all Your works;
I muse on the work of Your hands.
I spread out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You like a thirsty land. 

Answer me speedily, O Lord;
My spirit fails!
Do not hide Your face from me,
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift up my soul to You." - Psalm 143:1-8

 He will hear our prayers. He will send light into our darkness. He will not condemn us for our sins, for He has forgiven us in Christ. He will satisfy our longing souls "as with marrow and fatness!" For "His compassions fail not. They are new every morning!" And when my spirit is overwhelmed within me, I can cry out to Him and He will not despise me for my weakness or grow impatient with my stumbles and hesitations, because He loves me. He loves me unfailingly and unconditionally! That is a truth to hold close to my ever-changing heart! In the fiercest of storms, in the darkest of nights, in the depths of self-condemnation, this I know, and this I can hold fast to: that my God has called me His beloved, and He will never cause His love for me to lessen or to cease.

Living boldly

Is it a compliment for my agnostic friend to tells me that I seem very open-minded? I'm sure he meant it as a compliment, so I suppose a better question to ask would be: is that a description that I should be seeking to earn or happy to win?

In conversations about religion I tend to give other people a chance to talk, and laugh at their jokes instead of nitpicking the theology underlying them, and do my best to respect their views and listen to what they have to say. I don't talk too much myself, partly because I don't usually talk much except with people who are very close to me, and partly because I feel that what I believe could be so easily misunderstood and I don't want to give the wrong impression. But maybe by simply not frequently airing my own personal beliefs I have done exactly that, and given the wrong impression I feared so much.

If by open-minded all that is meant is that I respect other people's opinions and don't judge or hate them because they believe what I think is false, then I am glad if it is true of me! On the other hand, if the word implies that I don't hold to a firm belief myself, or that I think all beliefs are equally valid and true, then it cuts me to the heart that I could be described that way. I am worried that my witness is hidden by my desire to be liked and to fit in - above all, to not be stereotyped with all the derogatory labels that have been given to Christians (some deservingly, some not so much).

For me, it is a wake-up call to live more boldly in my faith: to be more forthcoming with what I believe to be true and important and good, to consistently be in all places the passionate follower of Christ that I long to be, and (while still respecting others) to stand up for my beliefs when the occasion arises. I believe in God, do I not? So I can and should learn to live that belief more openly.

The wonder of all loves

This is love: that after a weekend of being physically and emotionally miserable, unable to give much time or energy to Paul or to the house, I got to come home from work Monday to hugs and kisses and an evening spent together (being relatively nerdy and watching WWII documentaries!). His love for me comes from his heart, where the Spirit of God dwells, and so he loves me regardless of how well I am loving him in return. That is true love, because it is like God's love.

This is love: that after years of taking out all our sorrows and frustrations on Him in anger and bitterness - after lifetimes spent ignoring His voice and spitting on His extended hand of grace and goodness - after countless times of turning away, shutting Him out, closing our ears and our eyes and our hearts - we can still come home to His embrace, to bask in His presence where there is peace and joy beyond compare and, most of all, Himself, God with us. His love is utterly unconditional, pouring down upon us regardless of how often we sin or how frequently we fall away. If only we would turn and see it - like a girl turning east to suddenly see (and marvel how she had not turned before!) the sun rising in a swirl of color and cloud, in splendor and hope - we could lose ourselves in the wonder of its beauty and the glory of its power. That is true love, because it is God's love.

Thank You for this love that knocks me down and carries me away in gratitude and awe, Lord - that stretches the bounds of my mind, that sinks lower and rises higher than I can comprehend, and that never ever leaves me! And thank You for the loves that illuminate Your love by being like it and stemming from it, that help me to understand Your love more completely, and fill my heart with gladness and peace. You are great, O Lord, and Your gifts to us in our lowliness and weakness are more great and good than my heart or my mind can fully grasp.

When the road ahead is hidden

In my ideal world I would know what I wanted to do with my life, have a plan for accomplishing it, and be happily embarked upon said plan (I also wouldn't have this little cut on my finger that makes typing so uncomfortable, but I digress...). My goal would involve serving God, having a family, and making a difference in individual lives and in society as a whole, and all of this would be neatly packaged into one coherent vision and dream for my future.

In the real world, I don't even have the first little piece of this down.

It's been a great cause of stress and anxiety these past few weeks, as Paul's plans and hopes are becoming a lot more solid and the prospect of real change in our lives is starting to loom on the horizon. It is very likely that I will only be working at my current job until the middle or end of this summer, and after that I'll have to decide what to do with myself. Do I find another similar job in whatever city we move to for Paul's physical therapy program? Do I pursue a master's degree in a related field? Or do I drastically change things in my life and find a job or obtain a higher degree in a different field, maybe something involving ministry? What would I enjoy more? What would be better in the long run? What would be the right path to choose? I've been terrified of making the wrong choice - but I've defined that "wrong choice" in such a way that I'm not sure if any choice could be right! After all, how do I make a career or education choice now if I don't have a clear vision for the future?

In the midst of this whirlpool of questions and worries and doubts, a thought came to me. Maybe, since I don't have a clear vision for the future, I need to find out what is best for the present time. Maybe instead of wondering where I'd like to be in 10 years, and centering my life around that goal I ought to consider the circumstances in which God has placed me now and in the near foreseeable future and endeavor to determine what course would be best in those circumstances. I'm not in any way suggesting that I be irresponsible about the future - I'm just thinking that because I have a lack of vision for myself I should look at the things God has given me to see now, choose based on what I can and do know, and let God deal with the future.

Another thought that came to me as I thought and prayed about these things was that while I don't have a definite vision or dream for my future, Paul does have a vision for his future. He knows the career he is called to, and he is actively pursuing it. Maybe as his wife - as the person intended by God to be his supporter and encourager - I can work for the fulfillment of his dream. Not having a dream of my own right now may be the perfect opportunity for me to help Paul reach his. In the cold light of worldly practicality that might seem like too high of a risk. Why should I work for the next few years instead of immediately pursuing higher education, just to make it easier for Paul to get his degree? What if he leaves, or something happens to him? Well, he won't leave. That worry can be set aside. But it is true that something could happen to him. You know what, though? Love takes risks. That particular risk might not be the one I take; my plans are still completely unsettled. Just because it is risky, though, doesn't mean it might not be the best choice, at this time, for me.

Through all of this, I am starting to learn that life has chapters. All the joy doesn't come at one time, leaving the rest to be a preparation or a letdown. The good of a higher degree could come next year, or in ten years, or in twenty; the good of investing in my husband by working while he gets his degree might be the joy of this chapter instead. And whenever the good does come, and whatever the good may be in this particular chapter, what matters is that I am following God and loving the people He has put into my life. With this plan to guide every little step each day, it is ok that I don't have a clear vision for my overall and long-term future right now (although I still would very much like one!). My ideal world, however, where I know the direction I should go and how everything will work together, must be set aside in favor of the real world if I am to keep following God; if He does not reveal the road more than a step at a time, my duty (and my joy!) is to take the step that is revealed and trust Him to show me the next one, not to endlessly delay until the whole course is made plain. I will be faithful in the small steps I take in the fog, trusting Him to lead me on the path He has chosen for me, and who know what joys await me on that road?

The peace of an afternoon

The room is dim with the cool light coming through the covered windows, and the air is soft with the gentle breeze of the fan. From the kitchen, the smell of banana bread baking in the oven wafts out to accompany me in the quiet stillness of the afternoon. Across from me on the other couch my husband is sleeping, head curled down and legs stretched out, peacefully breathing in the rest that a man of such good heart deserves after a long and wearying week. I love watching him sleep, especially when it is sometimes so hard for him to sleep at night, knowing that he is finally able to get the rest he needs.

The laundry is done and the kitchen is cleaned; the bed is made, and even though the bathroom still needs work it's been a good day, a day of rest, a day of peace. It is a good gift of God, days like these.

Samuel and the stone of help

The people of Israel were terrified of the Philistines. The memory of their last conflict with them, more than twenty years ago, still lingered in their minds with a bitter and mournful taste: the ark of the Lord had been captured, the two sons of Eli the priest had been killed in the battle, and the old man himself had died on hearing the news. The ark had been returned after the Lord plagued the Philistines, but He'd also killed some Israelites because of that ark, so it wasn't a guarantee that the Lord would be on their side.

This new priest Samuel, however, truly knew God. In addition to being the priest of the Lord, he was a prophet, and the Lord let none of his words fall empty to the ground. So when he told the people of Israel that God would deliver them from the Philistines if they would stop serving other gods and worship Him alone, they listened even though their fears  still lay close to their hearts. While Samuel prayed on their behalf, all the people gathered together to repent of their idolatry and sacrifice to the Lord, and they fasted in the sorrow of the hearts as they realized the depth of their sin.

But as they gathered together in repentance, the Philistines thought they were gathered as a threat and a council of war, and in the confidence of their might they marched upon Israel, in whose hearts fear once again rose up. In their fear, however, they turned to the Lord their refuge and their strength, and He heard their cries and the prayers and offerings of His servant Samuel, and even as the Philistines drew near for battle He thundered against them with power and terror so that they were overcome by the people of Israel. He did not require strength or might or skill from His people - simply hearts that sought Him.

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up at the place of the battle and called it Ebenezer, which means "Stone of Help", as a memorial to the strength of the Lord in the help and defense of His people. The Philistines were not completely overthrown - this was still years before the famous story of David and Goliath - but it was important for them to commemorate the work of God as it happened, in the middle of the process, acknowledging His favor and grace even before the time of fulfillment. In the old language of the hymns we sing,

"Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I've come.
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home."

And we sing these words even though we might be in a place of sorrow or fear, and even though the home at which we seek to arrive seems incredibly distant and our hearts are weary and weak, because we have seen His help. He has been with us as He has been with all who have walked before us in our faith, and we can look to our memorial stones, the Ebenezers we establish at the times of great grace when His working is clear, to remind us that there is still a reason to trust Him when His help seems far away. I know I have many of these (one is an actual stone, which is neat; some are just memories), and in remembering His past faithfulness I am encouraged to trust in His present and future faithfulness, just as the people of Israel through all their future struggles with the Philistines might have been encouraged whenever they walked past or remembered this Ebenezer that Samuel established - when they returned to God and He fought against their enemies on their behalf and liberated them from their oppressors.

Dwelling in the word

"Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, 'If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.'" - John 8:31-32

 The word "abide" is incredibly rich (at least to me...). It is like the word "dwell" - there is this feeling of resting and remaining, of making a home. So His word is to be, in a sense, our home - the place where we live, the place to which we return for comfort and strength, the place in which we are nourished, loved, encouraged, and helped to grow. It is the place where our identities are formed (if we are truly abiding there), and where we establish habits and patterns of godliness in our lives.

A family home here on earth is full of flaws, no matter how full of love it is, because no one in it is perfect in himself or has perfect understanding of the other people dwelling there. There can be conflict, tension, and strife; parents may impart poor values to their children; people can isolate themselves even while living under the same roof, causing distance in their relationships; family members may expect too much from each other and give too little; someone might feel left out, lonely, or sad; and in the worst cases, abuse could happen.

But when we're abiding in the word, we're spending time in God's home. Here He is the Father, and He knows His children completely - so He draws us into His love in the ways that we can understand and receive it, and He teaches us what is right without introducing error or sin, and He raises us up to be beautiful and holy sons and daughters in Christ. If we are choosing not to abide in His word, we are choosing to miss out on this deeper communion with Him that comes from dwelling in His home. Come, seek Him in the place where He lives! Make your home with Him, and know His love!

"Even the sparrow has found a home,
And the swallow a nest for herself,
Where she may lay her young -
Even Your altars, O Lord of hosts,
My King and my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in Your house;
They will still be praising You." - Psalm 84:3-4

A rant about making decisions for the future

While randomly reading old archives on a recently discovered blog, To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, I found this quote:

"Just for fun, I recently asked readers on my Facebook page about the worst advice they had ever been given.
Many people seemed to regret their education. They didn’t pursue dreams because they were supposed to go to university, and now they have debt and no real joy in their jobs. Others, of course, regretted not getting an education in the first place."

This is the dilemma, isn't it? When you're trying to make choices about your future, do you invest in the education everyone thinks you should get, and potentially regret the sink of time, energy, and resources? Or do you forego the education to pursue what you think you want to do (or what you think God wants you to do), and later on have regrets because you aren't qualified for the jobs you want and your "dream" was just a passing whim of young adulthood?

I know that a lot of people - the prudent, cautious, "always have a back-up plan" people - advocate getting that education no matter what. Even if you don't plan on using it, apparently, it might be good to have at some unknown time in the future - if it isn't hopelessly outdated by then (for instance, getting a masters in a computing field now might not be that helpful twenty-five years from now when you're done being a stay-at-home mom and are looking to reenter the workforce!), or if your desires and outlook on life haven't totally changed over the years (somehow I don't think I'm going to be exactly the same person, with the same goals and priorities, when I'm nearing fifty... I'm hoping I'll have learned a lot more about life and about who I am!). Honestly, to me, it seems like it could be just a waste of your time, especially if it isn't something you're passionate about.

Steve Jobs, in his famous Stanford commencement speech, said this:

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

While I think it is really important to seek what God desires for you, and not just follow your heart blindly without His guidance, there is still a sense in which I emphatically agree with his words. If there is something your heart is burning for you to do, there is no point at all in getting a degree in a semi-related subject with better marketability just to have a back-up plan. I feel that if you're going to pursue something because it is your dream and the call of God in your life, you should pursue it wholeheartedly, without reservation or fear. If God is calling you in a specific direction - if your heart is longing to walk a certain path with Him - then put your hand to the plow and do not look back. Let Him be your safety net and your back-up plan. Trust Him with your worries and your fears and your questions about the future. If you can put your trust in a graduate degree to bring you food and financial stability in a time of crisis, surely you can find enough faith to trust the God and Creator of the universe to manage those same things.

"Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." - Matthew 6:28-33

Letting the dishes pile up

When something needs to be done, there are three possibilities that can occur. First, you can take care of it. Second, you can ignore it and let someone else take care of it. Third, you can ignore, and the other someones in your life can ignore it, and it will never get done (although you can opt out of this third path at any time...).

For example, if I come home late from work, tired after a long day, and I see a pile of dishes in the sink, I can wash them right then or I can ignore them and hope Paul will take care of them. If he does, I have successfully gotten away with not doing the dishes that night. But you know what else I have accomplished? I have succeeded in putting my interests above his - because no one does dishes just for the fun of it, and everyone is tired at the end of the day. I have succeeded in valuing my time more than his - because it is going to take one of us 10-15 minutes to clean it up, and if I think my time is more important, than it certainly won't be me (or I'll do it grudgingly with sighs or complaints). I have succeeded in putting my husband down and taking his love for me for granted instead of treasuring and respecting him.

On the other hand, if he doesn't do the dishes that night either, there are that many more dishes staring up at me the next morning when I'm trying to get ready for work, and the longer I let them sit there, the more they become a burden on me and on Paul - they make the kitchen messy and cluttered, impede anything productive in the kitchen (like making dinner!), and eventually reduce our clean dishes to the point where we're eating everything on napkins (this hasn't actually ever happened yet, thankfully! :) )

Do you see the issue? With something as trivial as dishes it doesn't really matter that much whether you deny yourself and get the job done. You may do it the next day, when the pile is beginning to drive you crazy, or when you aren't so tired. But with many other things in life it really does matter that you deny yourself when the task - or the opportunity, if you want to be optimistic - presents itself. If one of my friends is struggling with serious emotional or spiritual issues and wants to talk to me about them, I should take up that opportunity and fill that need no matter how inconvenient it may be, because that is what it looks like to consider others as better than myself, and that is how a Christian ought to be living. If Paul comes home from school discouraged and exhausted, I should lay hold of the opportunity to shower him with love, truth, and encouragement, even if I am also tired and emotionally weary, because that is what it means to put the needs of others before my own needs, and that is how a Christian ought to be living.

Obviously this isn't something we can do in our own strength (well, maybe some of you can, but I think most of us need God's grace and strength far more than we admit. I know I do). The wonderful and glorious truth, though - the one that enables us to do far harder tasks than we ever thought possible to meet the needs of other people - is that God will give us the strength we need to obey and honor Him. He has prepared good works for us to do, and if they are above our strength He will carry the rest of the load, if we ask Him to be our help.

And those little things like the dishes in the sink? They are our training-ground, our chance to practice denying ourselves so that when the opportunities come to do great things for the kingdom of God we will be prepared to give all that we have, through Him and for Him, in love and service to others.

More on trusting

I had to call my endocrinologist again today, because they never called me back about my prescription refill, and tomorrow is my last pill at the correct dosage (I have a small stock of sample packs that I would need to take 1 1/2 of each day, that the doctor once gave me when they had no samples at my dosage). It's not fun being hypothyroid, and there's a lot I could worry about, as I posted earlier. But I've been making it my goal to trust God with this whole situation, and I've asked Him to help me with that trust (because I know that if I simply try in my own strength, I'm going to end up full of worry and anxiety all over again) - and you know what? I am trusting Him. For once I can say that as a statement of fact rather than as something I know I ought to be doing and don't want anyone to know that I'm struggling with.

If I don't have thyroid pills for the next month, it'll be ok. Why? Because it is all in God's hands, and if He brings all my efforts to nothing, it is His will that I go through that month without medicine. I don't know why, but I know that He does. And I trust Him to be doing what is best.

Looking at people all over the world in all kinds of different situations makes me realize how small of a thing my problem really is, and how really learning how to trust God with it is like the little faltering steps of a baby compared to the strong strides of those who have truly learned to trust God in the most painful, difficult, horrific or seemingly irrational situations. But for me, it is a big thing. And it is super encouraging! See, I look at it this way: if I can trust God with this - if I can really truly honestly believe that it is all in His hands and whichever way it works out is under His control - then I can trust God with anything! I can trust Him with leading us to the right school for graduate study, and with giving me clarity and direction for my future. I can trust Him with the financial aspects of paying for PT school for Paul and a master's for me, and I can trust Him with the timing of the children we want to have. I can trust Him with the classes I'm taking this semester, and with the relationships I'm building with people around me. I can trust Him with my marriage, and I can trust Him with my family, and I can trust Him with the little things like deciding where to spend which holidays. It is incredibly liberating! That burden of anxiety has been lifted from my shoulders by the strong and loving hands of my Lord, and I am so very thankful.

The God who hears prayer

Today I came across a name for God that I think is now one of my favorites. David is writing this psalm of praise to the Lord for all that He does - specifically for His power in salvation and His great and generous provision for us in nature - and he calls Him "You who hear prayer." (Ps. 65:2). Isn't that such an awesome name for God, because it is such a wonderful truth about who He is and how much He cares for us His children?

Think about it - the God of the whole universe - who "established the mountains by His strength", who can "still the noise of the seas", who will "crown the year with [His] goodness" so that the hills themselves rejoice in Him - that God hears our prayers. It's true that is doesn't always feel that way. Sometimes it seems like the door to God's throne room is closed and barred, and our prayers falter and fail even as they leave our lips. But regardless of those feelings, the truth is that God is the God who hears our prayers.

If we have this certainty that He hears our prayers (confirmed by Ephesians 3:12 and Hebrews 4:16), and if we believe He is this all-powerful good and gracious God, then the next logical question is why do we pray so infrequently? Why are we not constantly falling before Him in adoration, taking our supplications to Him in boldness and confidence, seeking His mercy in every aspect of our lives? Why are we still trying to make it through life in our own strength? Maybe the root problem is that we don't believe God as much as we would like to think. If we immerse ourselves in His Word, begin to truly believe in our hearts what we read there, and in every moment of our day place ourselves in trust and reliance on God's grace, prayer will come naturally as a result of our faith, and our lives (and the lives of those around us) will be deeply and richly blessed and transformed by the intimacy of our relationship with the Lord. Can you imagine what would happen if we did this as a church? Can you see how the world might be changed?

Bonhoeffer on life and identity in Christ

I have no thoughts of my own right now, but here is a thought that I need to remember more often as I go through life:

"... the Christian is the man who no longer seeks his salvation, his deliverance, his justification in himself, but in Jesus Christ alone. He knows that God's Word in Jesus Christ pronounces him guilty, even when he does not feel his guilt, and God's Word in Jesus Christ pronounces him not guilty and righteous, even when he does not feel that he is righteous at all. The Christian no longer lives of himself, by his own claims and his own justification, but by God's claim and God's justification. He lives wholly by God's Word pronounced upon him, whether that Word declares him guilty or innocent." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

Trust and thyroid hormones

Almost three years ago my thyroid started to peter out. For months I was always exhausted and continually running a low-grade fever, prone to catch every small cold floating around, and losing weight (I think I lost 15 pounds in all, in less than 6 months) because I was too tired to eat. It took a while to figure out what was wrong with me, since fever is not a common symptom of a thyroid problem but was the main reason why my mom was able to convince me to go to the doctor at all, but eventually all was made clear and for over two years now I've had to take a little purple pill every morning to keep my body functioning well with the proper amount of thyroid hormone. It's a bit of a hassle, and I periodically have to go back to the doctor to have blood drawn so they can evaluate the hormone levels and give me a prescription to last until the next appointment. So... at my last appointment in February, they told me they were going to switch me from 6 months between visits to a year between visits, because I'm pretty stable, but unfortunately, as I discovered a few weeks ago, I don't have enough refills prescribed to get me through to February. Actually, not counting the random sample packs I've collected over the years, which are running low anyways, I have until Friday. This is very stressful for me! I tried calling the office last Monday, when I realized the problem, but they never called me back, and today I left my phone at home so I suppose I'll have to call again tomorrow instead of today. I am a worrier at the best of times, and it is so easy for me to imagine all kinds of worst-case scenarios, where they can't get me in for weeks and I'm left without any medicine and start crashing again, ending up barely able to make it through work and class, completely worn out by the time I get home each day (thus having no energy for making dinner, or cleaning the house, or spending time with Paul). But I'm thinking that maybe God let me and the doctors fall into this oversight for a reason. Maybe He wants me to learn to trust Him more, you know? If I am trusting only myself, and relying only on my own strength, I have every reason to worry right now because it doesn't look like things will work out in the right timing. But if I am trusting God and relying on His strength, knowing that He has everything in His hands, then I can have faith that things will work out in exactly the timing that He desires, according to His good purpose, and I don't need to worry. It's hard for me not to worry, but I do believe that I have a sovereign, loving, faithful Lord who cares even about these little details of my life! So I can trust Him even when I can't see how everything will turn out :)

Wild blue yonder

Have you ever noticed how the sky becomes more blue after the clouds have passed and the rain has ended? The rain cleanses the air of all its dirt and dust and smoke, so that the rich blue can be seen in greater beauty and glory. There are times, in a long stretch of sunny weather, when the blue of the sky becomes less attractive to me as it fades, hiding behind the gray and white and brown layers of whatever happens to find its way into the air. But after a storm, it is always incredibly beautiful, stunning and brilliant in the purity and depth of color. I wonder if it is like that in our lives. We are innately beautiful and pure (since we have been reborn in Christ and have His life rather than our own old sin-bound life), but as we go through life in this world, still surrounded by sin and struggling with it even in our own selves, that beauty is easily hidden behind all the dirt and pollution we pick up. But when we hide ourselves in Christ, even as the sky hides itself behind the storm clouds, we are cleansed by Him of those tarnishes, renewed time and again so that our beauty may testify of His grace before all the world.

Choosing how to see

The same analytical eye and intelligent mind, that so quickly notice the hidden faults and negative attributes of a person or occurrence can, if so applied, be used to ascertain the hidden qualities and positive characteristics of that same person or occurrence, though they be ever so skillfully hidden. And is not that choice of use more fitting for a child of God? And is it not more uplifting and edifying to the body of Christ? I know I complain and criticize far more than I ought to - maybe I can learn to repurpose that energy and thought process for another, better end, and so perhaps in time become an encouragement and blessing to those around me.

Leaving the weekend behind

A brief update on my weekend: I tried to make granola bars for Paul, so he'd have a portable, filling, healthy snack; I failed rather miserably (although the granola that resulted isn't that bad, I guess). I intended to clean our apartment and straighten things up; I managed to vacuum the kitchen (which needed it most desperately) but that was about it. I wanted to make a patchwork valance for our kitchen window; I started, but probably won't finish until next weekend at the very earliest, so now I have all the random pieces of fabric sitting around making the place look even messier than it otherwise would (see previous point!) I planned to do my Bible study in preparation for our meeting Tuesday night, but forgot until 8:30 last night (and I didn't get very far because it's pretty intense). I hoped to make delicious meals for Paul to come home to after drill on Saturday and Sunday, but I really didn't do any cooking at all the whole weekend. I thought I had figured out how to run a Java applet for my homework assignment, but then found out that I got an awful grade because the grader couldn't get my applet to load. I desired to make our apartment a place of rest, peace, and beauty, but I felt so exhausted and discouraged that I wasn't even able to keep myself consistently happy and cheerful, and struggled to be loving and joyful. In addition, God convicted me about a few areas where I was putting Him into the limits of my understanding, and rejecting or ignoring things I didn't understand or didn't like, and while that is definitely a good thing in the long run, it isn't necessarily pleasant at the time, and it contributed to my feeling of discouragement even though I knew intellectually that God still loved me and wasn't angry with me (side thought - I am sometimes absolutely terrified that God is angry with me, so scared that I am afraid to even open up my Bible for fear of what I might read. I don't think this attitude really reflects the reality of who God is and what His relationship with me is now that I've been adopted into His family! But I still struggle with it.) Basically, in all the little and not-so-little tasks I set for myself, I fell short (in some cases, very far short) of the goal. Whether I was trying to cook or sew or pray or have a joyful heart, I just couldn't do it. So lucky me, I got to start the week feeling like a miserable, worthless failure. But as I was writing this post, not entirely intending to post it because it was devolving into a list of complaints, God reminded me of a very encouraging verse: "Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 3:13-14 The challenge in those verses is rather obvious. The encouragement, at least to this rather negatively-inclined individual, is not quite so obvious! But it is this: that we are not bound forever to the failures and sins and mistakes of our past - that we can forget them and move on from them, that we can be free from that over-hanging burden of guilt and fear of condemnation, because God has already forgiven them and wants us to keep moving forward. Even when it is a sin that we are leaving behind, rather than just a failure to meet a human expectation, once we have repented, we don't need to linger in the guilt and the shame any longer. We are free to move forward, to keep pressing toward God, to continue seeking His face and striving to trust and obey Him by grace through faith. That freedom, that lifting of the burden of the past, is one of the most encouraging things ever! So weekend, I am leaving you behind, and choosing today to reach forward and press toward my goal of knowing and following Jesus Christ.