Marriage is hard because I am a sinner

I've decided that marriage is hard, but not in the ways people warned me about.

They told me we would have disagreements and fights and get angry at each other over trivial things. They told me that we would both begin the marriage with unrealistic expectations of the other person, and have to deal with the disappointment of realizing they weren't all we thought they would be. They told me we would have conflicts over the patterns of daily life, like who uses the shower when, and how clean the room should be, and what time someone ought to be home. Have we had any of that? Yes, most definitely. (And mostly because of me - Paul has been really patient, understanding, and thoughtful through this whole transition period). But that hasn't really been the hardest part for me.

You know what's hard? What's hard is coming home after a long day and simultaneously wanting to cry in his arms, cool off by myself with a book, make him dinner because I love him, and hear how his day went. What's hard is learning how to manage my needs and wants and his needs and wants at the same time, without burning out and crashing or being totally self-centered. What's hard is wanting to love and be loved while at the same time being petrified with fear that he'll be upset with me or reject me. What's hard is overcoming the emotions that keep me from trusting someone I know to be incredibly trustworthy, and not spiraling downward into inaction from feeling like such a failure in that area. What's hard is wanting to be perfect for him because he's so wonderful, and constantly falling short. What's hard is needing to receive grace from Paul and from God just to get through normal life. Sigh.

I guess marriage is hard for me because it puts so much strain on my pride, my proud and arrogant desire to be self-sufficient and independent, and my impossible wish to be able to give love without being vulnerable in response. If that is why, though, it's a good reason. Those things need to be dethroned! Hopefully these hard aspects of marriage will be a catalyst to deepen my relationship with God, my understanding of His grace, and my love for Paul - and then it will all be worth it :)

Interim

Why have I waited almost a week to post again? Honestly, I don't feel like I have had any thoughts worth telling anyone about. I've still been thinking a lot, but some of it is too personal to share online and the rest of it hasn't really been coming together coherently for me. And it's hard to feel like I have any thoughts worth sharing with anyone when I struggle with feeling worthless as whole, so that really drains my motivation to write. But I will return with thoughts, once I've been able to spend time sleeping and reading the Word and talking to God (in other words, once I've restored and reoriented my heart). Thank you for your patience!

A bit of a teaser - I received wedding pictures, so I'll post some with commentary here, and then I can post pictures from Sequoia with some of the stories we gathered from our week there! So that should be fun :)

To be a woman after the feminist revolution

Sometimes it seems like one of the major effects of the feminist revolution was to put pressure on women to do and be everything, to demand perfection and 100% effort not just in the home but also in the workplace.

Don't misunderstand me! I am so grateful for the freedoms I have that women just a few generations before me didn't have - that I can go to college and grad school without being viewed as odd or strange, that I don't have to deal with a sexist boss like my mom did, that I have had no problem finding a job in scientific research (a field traditionally male-dominated). I'm thankful for birth control that gives me the option to postpone child-bearing until after I've had the chance to get my degree and begin my career. And I'm exceedingly happy that I can vote, and that my views and opinions aren't looked down on because I'm a woman!

But at the same time, I sometimes wish things were different - that I could choose to stay home with my children and teach them myself without feeling or being told that I was putting unfair pressure on my husband by not working outside the home, or that I could work part time to his full time and be able to make and maintain the home as a place of love, order, and wonder. I mean, at this point in my life it really doesn't matter because I don't have kids and I love working full time! But someday we'll have to make a decision about children and careers and I'll have to give something up.

The myth of modern life, which I think is pushed especially at women since the feminist movement, is that you can do everything and have it all. I grew up never thinking about whether I'd rather be primarily a mother and homemaker or primarily a career woman - I just planned for both and figured I'd do it all! But now that I'm older and (hopefully!) wiser I'm realizing that it just isn't possible. To really have a great career in my field would mean I would have to lose so many of the irreplaceable, magic moments of seeing my children grow and blossom. But if I didn't work outside the home at all, I would miss it a lot. I love science. I love biology, I love research, I love programming, I love analysis and modeling and hypothesizing and learning, and I don't want to lose that! Also, I really do feel like it would put a lot of pressure on my husband, and I don't want him to have to feel like the financial security of the whole family is resting entirely on his shoulders.

So, I'm very glad I don't have to decide this all right now! Unless rather significant unplanned events occur, I've got a few years to think about it before the issue presents itself. I guess I'm just a worrier sometimes :P But what do you think? Do you women feel that pressure as well, or is it just me? Where do you find the balance lies in your life and personal circumstances?

To my dad, on Father's Day

Ok, I know it isn't Father's Day anymore and I'm a day late with this post. But I spent most of yesterday actually spending time with my dad, so I think that absolves me of any guilt here :)

My dad is one of the most loving men I know. He is intelligent, curious, skilled, inventive, creative, efficient at anything he does, a deep thinker, and so on, but under it all there is this core of love and concern for the people close to him. He is so generous, not just in the typical sense of the word but with his time and energy as well - he has always taken the time to learn about what my siblings and I were interested in so that he could enjoy those things with us, and no matter how busy or stressed he has been about work, he has always made time to spend with us. There have been times when I've misread his concern as criticism of choices I've made (as in, why are you worrying about me? Do you think I've done something foolish or wrong?), but he has never meant it that way.

I think one of my favorite recent moments with my dad was at my wedding rehearsal a few weeks ago, when we were waiting in the pastor's office for our turn to enter the sanctuary, and we just talked. Not about the future, or plans, or worries - just about ideas and thoughts and books and the present. It was like when I was younger and told him all my thoughts about everything, without any stress or fear of not measuring up, because I finally realized what I've been confused about for the past couple years: my dad loves me for who I am, and would do pretty much anything for me. His goal isn't to criticize my choices, just to dialogue about them with me to help me think through them thoroughly and make the best decision. And then the next day I got to walk down the aisle with him, and he gave me away - but everything he gave me and taught me and showed me through his example I will carry in my heart for as long I live.

Thank you for everything, Dad :)

Broken love

When I tell Paul I love him, sometimes he responds by saying thank you, and sometimes when he tells me he loves me, I respond by saying thank you. The love of another person is such a precious gift! They are choosing to give their trust, affection, time, service, and so on to an imperfect fellow human, risking the hurt of rejection or loss, setting aside their own self-interests. It's pretty unbelievable, when you stop and think about it. Who am I, that I would deserve the love of another person? Who are any of us, to deserve any kind of love? We've all hurt those who love us (at least, I know I have, and knowing human nature it's pretty likely that most everyone else has too), but we still end up receiving love from others.

That's only one side of the coin, though.

When I tell Paul I love him, sometimes I feel like I'm saying empty words because what I call love - the feelings, the desire, the commitment, the trust - falls so short of what God calls love. (I don't know if he feels that way too sometimes.) The love that is never provoked, never boasts, is never rude, thinks no evil, and so on - you know the passage - that's not the love I have to give to the people that matter to me. My love is quite easily provoked. My love has to work hard sometimes not to think the worst of someone when something is unknown in a situation. My love fails. My love is broken. But I still want to give it, and more than that I want to give as much of God's love coming through me as I can, because it is only by His love that I can love truly and beautifully.

Offering a broken love, and receiving it with thanks, both take place in humble recognition of human sinfulness. I have nothing of my own to give, but I give all that I have to the one I love. I deserve nothing, but I receive what you give me as grace. In both actions I lay my solitary self down and choose to enter into relationship, to trust another person and open up my very heart to them. And in both actions I set aside my pride - the pride that makes me want to perfect my love before I give it to another person, for fear of failing, and that makes me want to prove my self-sufficiency by getting on just fine without receiving someone else's love. So even though it's broken, our love can reflect God's love and really be something to be thankful for :)

The idea of significance in vocation

One of my strongest desires is to do something really significant for God with my life - to have a career that truly makes a difference in the world, to live a life that touches more people than just the few (mostly white) suburban Americans I interact with now, to leave a legacy of love and mission for God that people will remember. But then I look at myself, and at the skills and talents that I have, and the chances of ever fulfilling this desire seem rather small. I mean, I really don't have much talent at things like interacting with people or deepening and maintaining friendships or beginning relationships that could be more than just superficial. I'm not skilled at preaching or teaching (except for young children because they don't intimidate me quite as much). I will willingly give time and energy to make you food if you need it, or invite you over to my house if you need someone to talk to or a place to stay, or even visit you and try to serve you if you're sick and need some help, but I can't guarantee that I'll do any of that well! So a career that revolves around personal interactions, like a career in ministry or foreign missions, would be extremely hard for me and I don't think I'd be doing it very well. On top of that, I'd be ignoring a lot of the talents that God did give me.

When I look at the things that interest me and that I'm good at, however, I feel a bit dejected. I find so much pleasure in programming and science (especially biology); I can stay focused on and remember details and can enjoy even tedious work if I have to concentrate while I do it; I have a great memory; I am quite good at problem-solving; and so on. Academically, God has given me some talent - more there than just about anywhere else, anyway :P But the careers that hold the most appeal for me - research, molecular biology, bioinformatics, etc. - seem to be so lacking in the significance factor. What kind of eternal impact can I be making if my job involves sitting at a computer analyzing data and modeling proteins? If this is the vocation God's designed me for, why is it so inferior to those other ones that I desire, that make a visible difference in the world and for eternity?

Today I found a very thought-provoking article about the concepts of vocation and radical Christianity. Does being a radical Christian - being sold out for God and seeking to follow Him wholeheartedly - mean that we have to be in some sort of missions, ministry, or service-oriented career? Maybe different vocations, regardless of how significant they seem, are all on the same level because they are all established and called by God. Or maybe what matters isn't finding the most important vocation and getting into it, but finding the vocation to which God has called you, and pursuing that. Hmm, more for me to think about, and definitely more encouraging thoughts this time :)

Grilled cheese sandwiches and the grace of God

Shortly after we were married (so a little over a week ago :P), my husband (it's still weird saying that) and I were talking about how I'm a bit of a perfectionist, especially when it comes to myself. I deeply desire to be perfect - to accomplish every task I set for myself to the standards I set, without wasting time or effort. If I don't meet those expectations I have for myself, I can feel really bad. Like, crying uncontrollably because I slightly overcooked the grilled cheese kind of bad (it's kind of extreme...). For me, relationships fall under the umbrella of "tasks I must carry out perfectly" as well, so I'm always afraid that I've said the wrong thing or not shown enough care or not paid enough attention, and I can emotionally break down pretty easily here too.

Anyway, Paul said something about this whole situation that I thought was pretty wise, which was that even if I managed to be perfect according to my definition of perfect, I might not be doing what God wanted, because His definition of perfect might be different than mine, and His desire for my life and heart and attitude and achievements might also be different than mine. This has made me think a lot about my perfectionism. I used to tell myself that it was just fine to be so perfectionist because it just affected me - I didn't try to hold anyone else to my standards or make them feel bad or judged or anything, I just wanted to be the best I could be. But I think I took it farther than I should have, to the point where I valued meeting my own standards of perfection more than seeking God on His terms. In a way I was acting like I could make myself perfect without His grace, which will never happen. And because it can never happen, and I can tell it isn't happening, I can get really depressed, or defensive, or angry, or hopeless, depending on the moment.

I think God wants me to trust Him and receive grace from Him to get me through life, instead of trusting myself and trying to make myself perfect to win His approval and the approval of other people. That is just so hard when I want so desperately not to fail at anything, and to be able to feel like I have earned the love of other people and of God. But I could never earn His love. No one can. And what's more, He has already completely approved and accepted us through Jesus Christ, and declared us to be righteous in Him. The kind of perfection I'm striving after is nothing compared to that righteousness He's given me! So I'm not saying I'm going to change overnight here, but this is definitely something I want to keep in mind, to try to set my focus straight on seeking God even though that means I have to accept His grace instead of doing everything myself. And you know what? Maybe then I won't be so upset about the little things (like burnt grilled cheese) and I'll have more energy and enthusiasm for the things in life that really matter :)

Living intentionally: the little hills rejoice on every side

"You crown the year with Your goodness,
And Your paths drip with abundance.
They drop on the pastures of the wilderness,
And the little hills rejoice on every side.
The pastures are clothed with flocks;
The valleys also are covered with grain;
They shout for joy, they also sing." - Psalm 65:11-13

God delights in blessing, in providing, in pouring out His goodness and love upon His people. He rejoices in bringing abundance out of the wilderness and joy out of sorrow when we walk in His ways. It just sometimes takes a while, like it takes plants time to grow and bear fruit each year, but that doesn't mean that He isn't trustworthy or good. When His abundance bears a rich harvest in our hearts, we will shout and sing with the overwhelming, heartrending joy of it all! And while the harvest is in the making, when the abundance isn't always so obvious, I will choose to trust Him and find joy in Him (you know, as much as I can, and definitely leaning on His grace for it. Trust and joy are really hard for me sometimes, but they're where I want to be.)

My friend is getting married!!!

One of my very best friends is getting married today - to my husband's brother! It is so exciting that we will get to be family now for the rest of our lives! :)

I've known K. since I was 6 and she was 7, when our families moved to Arizona and into the same apartment complex, and she was the first friend I had here (although we had a bit of rocky start...). It has been such a blessing to have her as my friend, for many reasons! We are practically opposites - she is outgoing, gregarious, practical, friendly, open, and a little bit dominant and aggressive, while I am shy, reserved, idealistic, and can be withdrawn, inward-focused, and passive (at least when it comes to conflict :P) So it has been very beneficial for both of us, I think, to grow up with each other - we've helped moderate each other's personalities, and we've helped each other learn how to interact with and love people who are very different from ourselves. I know it's been good for me, anyway! K. draws me out of my shell and listens to me talk and helps me to relax and enjoy spending time with other people :)

This past year we were roommates and I got to see firsthand her love for her future husband, R., as they dealt with the particular difficulties of a long-distance relationship during his first year of grad school - the excitement and anticipation in the days before she would travel to see him, the tears of the bittersweet return, the Skype dates, and so on. We had a lot of late-night conversations about our men, too, especially after we both got engaged during winter break, which was a lot of fun for us both :)

So I am incredibly excited for her now as she prepares to enter into marriage this afternoon with a wonderful man :) She will be such an amazing wife, and such a blessing to him through the years to come, with her serving, other-focused heart and her deep, self-sacrificial love for the people in her life. I know the two of them will have so much fun together, as well! They will be for each other a secure place to rest their hearts, a sanctuary of love and peace from which they can go out with confidence and joy to bless and serve the world they live in, and their home will be filled with life and laughter.

I wish you all the best in your marriage, K. and R.! You will be in my prayers :)

Needs and love and sins and safety

Sometimes I think the biggest issue in my marriage so far isn't our miscommunications or our busyness or the transitory feeling of living in a place that's not our own or learning how to adapt to each other, although those have all caused problems already (I think I'm learning how to make up after arguments along with everything else!). Sometimes, I think the biggest issue is my own neediness.

I need so many things! I need to feel that Paul loves me, and cares about me, and wants to hear my thoughts, and desires to be with me, and enjoys spending time with me. If I feel like he doesn't do these things, I get so lonely and sorrowful inside (although it is typically just caused by a perception or communication problem). But should I be needing these things from him? Shouldn't I just be able to find all my contentment and happiness in God, regardless of what Paul is feeling towards me or what I think he's feeling towards me? If I didn't have these needs for love and time and consideration and respect and so on, I think, I wouldn't be so demanding or so easily hurt, and we'd have far fewer issues in our relationship. To have these needs (and I feel presumptuous calling them needs instead of wants, but I really do need them to feel like our relationship is thriving and to stay joyful and hopeful in it) almost seems sinful to me. I shouldn't have any weaknesses, or at least I shouldn't admit to having them.

So my typical train of thought goes, and I become ashamed of these needs, and I try to pretend they don't exist - that I'm not hurt when Paul doesn't communicate well and I feel like he doesn't care about, for instance, or that I don't care whether he spends time with me or not because I'm self-sufficient and don't need him around. When we were driving back from our week in Sequoia, though, I borrowed a book from Paul's brother and his wife called Truefaced and it's been giving me a lot to think about. One of the hardest things for me to accept, out of everything it said, was that our needs are not sinful. That God actually gave us needs even before the Fall. That without needs we can't ever fully or truly experience and receive love, because meeting someone's needs is a huge part of showing them love (except in the case of our love for God, of course, where we show it by gratitude, worship, and obedience). How could I know God's love for me if I didn't admit that I needed Him in so many ways first?

When I read that paragraph I put the book down for a bit and thought a bit. My first reaction was to completely deny it all. Needs are sinful - how could they be otherwise? They're self-focused and greedy and grasping. But it is true that God created Adam and Eve with a need for fellowship, and gave them each other; a need for Himself, and walked with them in the garden; and a need for food, and supplied them with more than they could ask for. He showered His love upon them in their sinlessness by meeting all the needs that were inherent within them. So I picked up the book again and reread the chapter - and reread it again, and then again. Then I didn't read anymore for a few days. This is taking a while to sink in.

Maybe, if I didn't have these needs, I wouldn't ever feel that rush of joy when Paul looks at me with love in his eyes and I know that he wants to be with me the rest of his life. His love would be an extraneous luxury instead of something that meets one of the deepest needs in my heart. That would ruin our relationship more than my needs ever could. So I'm trying to be honest about them now, instead of pretending they aren't there (I was never very good at pretending that anyhow!), but it's really hard, and it's really kind of frightening sometimes. If I have no needs, you see, I can't be hurt and I'm safe from losing love. If I have needs that you can meet - that only you can meet, as in my relationship with Paul - then I am not safe at all. But you know what I think? You know what I know even when I feel exactly the opposite?

Love is far, far better than safety.

Why it's awesome being one of two

Being one of two instead of one alone means so many things:

• Waking up to a smile and a hug and a kiss every morning
• Eating breakfast with someone I love
• Having someone to say goodbye to when I leave for work
• Receiving (and sending!) happy little texts during the day :)
• Being able to share my frustrations of the day with someone who listens and cares
• Being able to tell all my thoughts and stories to someone who actually wants to hear them
• Getting to listen to all of his frustrations and thoughts and stories!
• Learning more and more about someone I love
• Making dinner to share instead of just for myself
• Hearing all the sweet things he says to me because he loves me :)
• Finding out how to make someone else happy and how to show him love
• Watching movies in bed together
• Feeling him next to me when I wake up in the middle of the night
• Falling deeper and deeper in love all the time

Taste and see

I have so much to write about that it's overwhelming! But here is one small thought while I have a moment.

Sometimes I don't experience God's help and love and comfort because I push it away. I tell Him and myself that I don't deserve it, or that I don't need it (because I don't want to admit that I'm hurting and weak). So then as I sit there in my hurt, which is often self-inflicted, I start to question whether God cares about me. Obviously He does! He only feels distant because I am afraid to draw near to Him, because I am afraid to have weaknesses and needs and thus am afraid to receive His love.

"Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!" - Psalm 34:8

If I refuse to eat or even taste the food that is offered to me, how can I judge whether or not He is good? And every time I have chosen to trust Him, I have seen that He is indeed very good, and that with trust come blessing and joy.

Hi all!

Paul and I got married on Saturday! So now I have the most wonderful husband ever and I love him so much :) We are in Sequoia National Forest this week so I won't have much internet access but I promise I will write about it when we return home. My thoughts so far...

About Sequoia: it is insanely beautiful and majestic! I am so glad we chose to come here even though it was a bit of a drive.

About marriage: it is very different having another person around all the time. Sometimes I wish I could just be by myself for a few hours. But at least this is a person I really like being around :P Also, he is even kinder and more patient than I realized when we were engaged, so I think I am a very fortunate individual :)

Alright that is all for now but I will write again in a few days!