To will one thing

This morning Paul and I read Psalm 27 together before I left for work (incidentally, I like reading the Bible together with Paul because different aspects of the passages will stand out to us and then we both get to see more in the words by sharing our thoughts), and I noticed especially verse 4:

"One thing I have desired of the Lord,
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord,
And to inquire in His temple." - Psalm 27:4

 It always challenges me, this verse. (It especially challenges me today as I have been reading a discourse by Kierkegaard on how purity of heart before God consists of willing only one thing - the good - in truth). Do I honestly desire just one thing? Or do I spread my heart thin in the multiplicity of my desires, in the quagmire of double-mindedness? If I truly desired this one thing of the Lord (namely, to know Him), then I could pursue it with my whole heart, with the confidence of faith, turning my eyes from the temporal goods (that are not good because they fade away and perish) that tempt me in order to seek this one eternal and unchanging good. But I think that all too often I don't just will this one thing - I will also for the approval and respect of others, and I will to avoid pain and heartache.

So how ought I to go about correcting the confusion of my mind and the desires of my heart? The Psalmist and Kierkegaard concur again on the answer to this question, I believe: to sincerely and seriously repent, taking my sin in my hand before God with sorrow and confession, and to commence traveling once more on the good path; with humility in the realization of my inability to continually and wholeheartedly follow God, instead of rash confidence in my own power and goodness.

"O You who give both the beginning and the completing, may You give victory on the day of distress so that the one distressed in repentance may succeed in doing what the one burning in desire and the one determined in resolution failed to do: to will only one thing." - Soren Kierkegaard, Upbuilding Discourses in Various Spirits 

Merry Christmas!

I'm sorry it's been so long since I last posted! The week before Christmas was very busy for me, as most of my gifts were food-related and thus required an investment of time in the last few days before the holiday. And honestly I've been a bit exhausted at the thought of writing - I've been tired of the words, tired of trying to write something worth reading, tired of trying to be interesting or original or deep or meaningful. So I didn't write.

But I hope you all had a marvelous Christmas! Mine was wonderful (and delightfully spread over two full days, with my in-laws on Christmas Eve and my family on Christmas), full of the beauty and joy that seem particularly present on this day out of all the year. And I will endeavor to write more this week! :)

Fear-fighting

Here's my dilemma: my pastor told me (well, told the whole church during the sermon on Sunday) that the Holy Spirit is at work in the world and in my heart and that the choice lies with me to either quench the fire He is building (by not doing what He commands or prompts me to do) or actively work with Him to make it burn more fiercely. That is, if I ask the Spirit to lead me and transform me, He will; I just need to actually follow the leading He gives instead of closing my eyes and my ears and going my own way. But you know what? It is far easier to ask the Spirit to do those things in my life than to change the way I live and the choices I make in response to the work He is doing.

There are two fears fighting against my desire to submit to the will and work of the Spirit in my life, I think. The first, which is lesser, is the fear of coming up short - the fear that, after asking the Spirit to lead me, I will fail at following Him, and in so doing disappoint God and render my witness ineffectual. "Why ask at all," this fear whispers, "when the result could be more humiliating than if you had never tried in the first place?" But this fear is feeding me lies, because our approval from God, as Christians, comes from the righteousness of Christ, not our own ability (or lack thereof) to follow God as He desires. So my failure would not cause me to lose God's love, and I believe that He would rather have me try to follow Him than have me simply give up in despair before beginning. As Screwtape said (and I paraphrase), the sin of despair is worse than the sins that lead to it.

The second fear, which is stronger, is the fear of having my life turned upside down - of being called to do crazy things, and having to deal with the reactions of my family and friends and acquaintances, and having to give up the comforts I enjoy or my little happy dreams or the cozy small plans I've made for my life. If I honestly and wholeheartedly followed the Spirit as He led me, I guarantee you that things in my life would have to change. Many of these changes would be small, but I think some might border on the extreme, especially if I begin by obeying those small leadings rather than quenching the Spirit in those areas. And I'm afraid of what might happen, because it is so unknown and because God gives no promise of safety or comfort (He never does, you know). My heart wants to hold on to the small things that don't matter, and so it is afraid of following a God who emphasizes the temporal nature and insignificance of those things. This fear isn't feeding me lies, but it is hiding the truth. All these things might indeed happen if I began to truly follow God, and there very probably would be some degree of emotional pain involved, but what this fear conceals is the depth of joy and the fulfillment of being that is only found in trust in and obedience to God. Am I not willing to trade in the (at least relatively) shallow happiness that I can make for myself by going my own way for the unfathomable joy that I could find by knowing God and going His way?

These fears have to be addressed head-on, I think - to expose the underlying deceit, and to combat them with the strength of truth. Maybe I can ask the Spirit for His guidance and transformation... maybe I can seek to obey His leading with a heart that chooses to trust rather than to fear.

O Root of Jesse

Today's antiphon remembers that Jesus is the eternal king of the nation of Israel, because He has come to reign forever on the throne of David as God promised to David himself so long before, and it also hints at the whole-worldliness of the salvation Jesus came to bring.

O Root of Jesse, standing as a sign among the peoples;
before You kings will shut their mouths,
to You the nations will make their prayer:
Come and deliver us, and delay no longer.

In declaring Jesus to be the Root of Jesse, we are reminded of the greater picture of God's plan - we see the Incarnation in the light of history rather than as an isolated event coming unexpectedly out of nowhere. As God, Jesus sits on the throne of heaven; as man, He is rightful heir to the throne of David, and thus in His person unites the two thrones as a precursor to uniting the two kingdoms beneath them. It is symbolic of the reconciliation He makes between each of us and God the Father through His own body on the cross.

Similarly, by saying that the nations will make their prayer to Him, we see the future aspect of the event of the Incarnation. In the past, God was the God of Israel; in the future, He shall be the God of all peoples - and the great turning point was the life and death of Christ, who though coming of the house of David and the nation of Israel yet offered salvation to Jews and Gentiles alike through the sacrifice of His own body. We are no longer outside His walls; He has called us His people. The One who fulfilled all the prophecies, to prove His truth and faithfulness, has done a new thing: He has called all nations to Himself, and built His people from all the peoples of the world.

O Adonai

Today's antiphon recognizes God in His historical role towards the nation of Israel, for whom He is both the redeemer and the lawgiver:

O Adonai, and leader of the House of Israel,
who appeared to Moses in the fire of the burning bush
and gave him the law on Sinai:
Come and redeem us with an outstretched arm.

Adonai, meaning "lord" or "master," is the name of God that most highlights the direct authority of God over our lives; more than merely pointing out the objective and philosophical authority of God over creation as the Creator, it emphasizes the direct and specific authority that God has over each of us (and our thoughts and our actions). He is our Master, our Adonai, and as such has the right to give us laws to obey, as He gave to Moses.

But the wonder of the first coming of Christ is that this purely magisterial aspect of our relationship with God has been colored with new elements - replaced, even, with the deeper love and intimacy of friendship and even marital love. As Jesus told His disciples, 

"No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you." - John 15:15

And again in Hosea, in the middle of a beautiful prophecy about the restoration and redemption of Israel with the coming of the Messiah:

"'And it shall be, in that day,'
Says the Lord, 'That you will call Me "My Husband,"
And no longer call Me "My Master"'" - Hosea 2:16

The One who came with fire in the earth-shaking power of His holiness, who gave us the perfect and unattainable standard of the law, has also come with redeeming love, and made a way for us to become righteous and be reconciled to Him, that He should be our Husband rather than our Master. This great transformation of our relation to God is the purpose of the Incarnation and the promise of Christmas.

O Wisdom

Beginning on the 17th of December, the great O Antiphons are incorporated into the celebration of Advent. Each antiphon is a prayer for Jesus's coming, and begins with a different name for Him, and meditates on a different aspect of His nature and relation to us. So for today we read:

O Wisdom, coming forth from the mouth of the Most High,
reaching from one end to the other mightily,
and sweetly ordering all things:
Come and teach us the way of prudence.

What stands out to me in this antiphon is the juxtaposition of the words "mightily" and "sweetly", pointing out how in God strength and gentleness, power and beauty, peacefully and perfectly coexist. There is no imbalance in His wisdom: He both commands as a sovereign King and whispers as a tender Lover; He both builds the world as a scientist and designs it as an artist. To put it simply, in Him is the fullness of wisdom.

A good man

A good man is a marvelous thing.

He is the one who is there for you in strength when you feel like the world is spinning too fast around you and you just can't hold up anymore and you break down in front of him and your ruined pride burns in your chest like the tears burn in your eyes, and he is there simply holding you, standing as a wall between you and the crazy storm of life, giving you space to heal, letting you hide yourself in him, bearing your burdens until the moment passes and you can take them up again, renewed and restored by his love.

He is the one who never seems to judge you when you stumble or you fail, but helps you stand up again and encourages and inspires you to live a better life and persevere in following God by his example and his words.

He is the one who never gives up, though his heart is bowed down with discouragement; he endures through the trials and uncertainties of life with steadfast faith in his God, and works as hard as he must to fulfill his responsibilities and honor the God he serves. And he does this without boasting of his efforts and his labors, in that pure humility that comes of centering his thoughts and feelings on the truth.

He is the one who leads his wife with wisdom and strength, who lets her know through his actions and attitude that he can be trusted, that he can and will make decisions when they need to be made, that he will provide for her, and that he is worthy of her respect and adoration. He is also the one who loves his wife with gentleness and passion, who lets her know that she is wanted and desired by him, who cares for her heart with tenderness matching in intensity the strength with which he leads her, and who claims her as being very much his woman and his alone.

He is the one who deliberately each day stands alert against the things that tempt him away from following God, and chooses to set aside temporal pleasures if need be to make time to pray and meditate on the Word. Like a sentry he stands guard against all that threatens to destroy him and the ones he loves, and, with the strength of God in his right hand and the shield of faith in his left, he will not let those things erode the heart and foundation of all that is truly important to him.

He is the one in whom his wife can safely place her heart, secure and confident in his love and in his strength.

When a good man gives himself like this to a woman, how can she not desire to give to him all that she is and has to give? Then, in the mutual giving and receiving, the two grow ever more into one, and love deepens, and God is honored. It is my great hope and aspiration that I might respond in such a way to the man I am married to, who is a very good man indeed.

Discouragement and grace

It is so easy for me to become discouraged when I sin, especially when I watch myself continue in a sinful attitude or course of action in the very moment of realizing its sinfulness. If I was a good Christian, I think - if I really loved and followed God - I wouldn't be thinking or feeling or acting this way. So the fact that I sin, and do so despite the inner promptings of the Spirit and my conscience, must mean that I'm not a very good Christian at all.

But what does it mean to be a "good Christian" in the first place? After all, a Christian is one who has acknowledged his own sinfulness and utter inability to love and obey God, and who has thrown himself unreservedly on the completely undeserved grace that God offers. Our whole faith centers around this key truth: that God has redeemed us out of His own great love and mercy, not because of our merit and righteousness. Our whole concept of self-identity is founded in this statement: that we are sinners saved by grace. If we are saved by grace, it is only rational to expect that we ought to continue in grace, right? So a truly "good Christian" would be one who lives in God's grace, not expecting to achieve perfection by his own efforts, and thus not descending to the depths of despair and discouragement every time those efforts fail. In other words, it is my response to my sin even more than the sin itself that is important to my faith and the continued growth of my relationship with God.

This was brought home to me (after an evening and morning of discouragement at my own feeble attempts to live righteously) by an article I happened to stumble upon over at Ligonier Ministries (I didn't even know they had articles on their website! I now have a new treasure trove to go through!). To quote briefly:

We must resist the temptation of thinking we can stand in our own strength. We must depend on the grace of the One who said, “Apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). If we fall, we must go to Christ, confessing our sin and hoping in His mercy. The Scriptures declare: “The righteous falls seven times and rises again” (Prov. 24:16). To fall seven times means that you have been restored six. The greatest believers are subject to great weaknesses.

It's brilliant, that line: "To fall seven times means that you have been restored six." We shouldn't expect to be able to walk without falling, because our own strength has always come up short. But we should strive to live by grace, to get up and press forward once more after each and every fall, knowing that our Lord is our strength. He will restore us and raise us up - will we try again to follow Him, or will we simmer in our self-disappointment and refuse to accept the grace He offers day by day?

Candle of joy, candle of song

Tonight we light the third candle of Advent. Traditionally this candle is pink, or rose - the liturgical color representing joy, in contrast to the somber purple candles of the other three weeks denoting Advent as a time of repentance and preparation for the coming Messiah. In our house, to begin this week, we read Isaiah 35, which is a beautiful picture of the fulfillment of joy that will come to be on earth when Jesus returns, and of which we can see glimpses here and now since His first coming so long ago.

When Jesus returns, even the wilderness and the desert will sing with joy for the restoration and the healing that He will bring, for He will relieve their barrenness and cause springs of waters to gush forth from them and make their wasted lands blossom like the rose! If He is blessing even the physical inanimate earth with such life and beauty, how could He not bless its people also? In the following verses, we see that He does: the blind will see, the deaf will hear, the lame will dance, and the mute shall sing!

And the redeemed of the Lord shall walk through the now-beautiful wilderness on the Highway of Holiness, on which no wicked man or ravenous beast may walk, towards the land of the promise and the presence of the Lord - towards our home and the place of our belonging. We shall walk with everlasting joy on our heads like crowns of splendor, and we shall be singing as we come.

While the fulfillment of this prophecy is still to come, I believe that it is, in a spiritual sense, in the hearts and lives of the people of God, foreshadowed even now. Where the Spirit is at work in the world, there life springs forth from what once was dead and barren, and the blind eyes of sinful hearts are opened to the truth, and our crippled spirits dance in praise to the God who has saved us. And as we follow Christ on the narrow way He spoke of in the Gospels, we figuratively walk on the Highway of Holiness, safe from the schemes of man and from the devil who walks about like a devouring lion, coming out of exile to the land where we truly belong, rejoicing in the promises and the home that await us at the end of the road.

He is the True Light coming into the world

"Oh, send out Your light and Your truth!
Let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Your holy hill
And to Your tabernacle.
Then I will go to the altar of God,
To God my exceeding joy;
And on the harp I will praise You,
O God, my God." - Psalm 43:3-4

 He has sent forth His Light and His Truth into our world, in human likeness, as a baby born in poverty, and He does lead us by that True Light into the place where He dwells. From this all our joy comes: that God became man and dwelt among us, bringing light into our darkness and truth into the sea of lies surrounding us, that we might know Him and draw near to Him.

A reaction to the Economist debate on the "place of women"

Where do you think a woman's "place" is?

Should a woman be in the home, as traditional Western society has stipulated? Or should a woman be in the workplace, as modern feminism argues? (hat tip to Network of Enlightened Women).

Over at the Economist, as linked above, a woman argues that women as a group belong in the corporate working world, and that the choice to remain at home as full-time mothers and homemakers is undesirable for both the women themselves and for society as a whole. That a woman who chooses to remain at home is choosing to leave her potential unfulfilled and to hang as a consumptive deadweight on the beneficence of her breadwinning spouse. That such a woman hurts the "cause" of all women worldwide by her refusal to take up the "responsibility" of every modern woman to work outside the home throughout the entire course of her life. That because men can do something, women shouldn't be allowed not to do it.

Feminism has changed course, or is at last revealing the dark heart of their movement. The cry is no longer for the freedom of any individual woman to choose to work full-time and be respected for that work; now the cry is to remove that freedom to choose by making full-time, life-long participation in the labor force an expectation for every woman. Career-minded women, I have no objection to you pursuing your careers wholeheartedly! It is your life, and you can choose your priorities. But please don't say that, just because it fits your ambitions, it is the only noble goal a woman can have, or the only role she should play. While you fulfill your private dreams and help increase the nation's GDP, I intend to invest in the next generation. I intend to teach young minds to see the world with wonder, to help them learn to love other people, to give them a secure and stable home, and most importantly of all, to train them to follow God. Will my contributions be felt monetarily? Probably not. But I believe and hope that they will be felt through the fabric of society, as I weave in to my small section of it the strong threads of love, faith, and belonging that the family is best equipped and designed to provide.

An armor of peace around my heart

Either I am rapidly turning into a worrier or I have always been one and am now just starting to realize it! Whichever alternative it is, it is rather annoying...

I feel that, in some sense, worry is antithetical to trust and faith, and one of the central facets of being a Christian is having trust and faith in God. For instance, if I am trusting God with my feelings of self-worth and identity, then I shouldn't be worrying about what the people around me think about what I'm wearing, or what the other church-goers will think about me having to raise my hand to ask for a Bible when I forget mine. Those things truly will not affect who I believe myself to be if I am defining myself in faith based on what God has declared to be true about me! So the worry and the trust aren't exactly able to coexist, at least not without a struggle.

On the positive side, if we are willing to take a step towards faith and away from worry, God lets us know how and accompanies it with a pretty awesome promise:

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Phil. 4:6-7 

That's probably a familiar verse to most of you, and it is to me as well, but let's not allow its familiarity to diminish its power and impact in our lives! I see here a wonderful promise: that if we take action against against our worry by taking our requests and anxieties to God with prayer and thanksgiving, we can be assured that our hearts and our minds will be defended and protected by God's own peace, in Jesus. And from what will they be defended, one might ask? Primarily they will be guarded from anxiety itself, I believe - but I also think that God's peace will work to defend us against many of the emotions and sins that accompany worry: fear of rejection, for example, or the need for the approval of others, or an inability to speak the truth boldly. These are different for each person, but the common thread is that they, entering our hearts on worry's coattails, attack our faith in God and consequently threaten our actions of obedience to God.

So let us go forth into the stress and anxiety that the holiday season can engender (or let's face it, if you're anything like me, that any season of life can engender) full of prayer and thanksgiving, that we may build in Christ an armor of peace around our hearts and our minds!

Candle of light, calling us out of the darkness

Yesterday marked the beginning of the second week of Advent, when we light, along with the candle of hope, the candle of light. Just as the candle of hope had layers of significance - reminding us of the promises of God for our lives now and challenging us to trust in His unfailing faithfulness - so also the candle of light has multiple themes in which it encourages and inspires us.

"The people who walked in darknessHave seen a great light;Those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death,Upon them a light has shined" - Isaiah 9:2

To all who are blinded and bound in the darkness of sin, Jesus comes bringing light, offering a way of escape into fullness of life. That is a magnificent part of the glory and wonder that Christmas is all about! - that Jesus, the Lord of the Universe, the One who spoke and physical light was created, the One who shines so brightly with spiritual light and holiness that the new earth will need no sun for the brightness of His presence, would cover himself in the rags of a mortal body and live in the land of the shadow of death that we might through Him thus come to know the light ourselves. Isn't it amazing? Isn't it marvelous? How would we believe and talk about something so extraordinary without breathless wonder, if we were not somehow numbed by familiarity and doubt to its brilliant power?

But there is another aspect of the coming of light: we must receive it, we must choose to walk in it. Light can be frightening, because it leaves nothing hidden - it reveals our sins and our vulnerabilities and our weaknesses.

"And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed." - John 3:19-20

If we have this desire for hiddenness within us, because we are ashamed of our sin and yet don't wish to give it up, it is for us to heed the cry of John the Baptist, who came preparing the way for Jesus's ministry on earth, and who is still relevant to us to help us prepare our hearts for Jesus's ministry in our lives:

"In those days John the Baptist came preaching in the wilderness of Judea, and saying, 'Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand!' For this is he who was spoken of by the prophet Isaiah, saying: "The voice of one crying in the wilderness: 'Prepare the way of the Lord; Make His paths straight.'"" - Matthew 3:1-3

 So during this week of Advent, as we celebrate the coming of light into the darkness, let us also open our own hearts to the coming of light, and repent of the darkness we hold within us. For He has come to forgive our sins, and the sins of the world, and His desire for us is that we might know Him and walk with Him where He walks - in the pure light of righteousness.

This means war

I have to confess that sometimes I live as if I were a materialistic naturalist.

By this I mean that I think and act as if matter is all there that there is, and as if all things can be explained naturalistically and thus all problems can be solved naturalistically. I remember that I have a spirit as well as a body (although I don't always think about it very much), and I remember God who is the uncreated self-sustaining Spirit, but I don't give much though to angels or to demons. Most emphatically, I act as though angels and demons have no influence over my life or over the world I live in. Considering that we're in the middle of a spiritual war, with the eternal destinies of human souls at stake, that's probably not a good attitude for me to assume. But I honestly haven't thought about spiritual warfare very much at all, beyond some vague idea that the whole thing is a nice metaphor for being a good person and a diligent follower of Christ.

Over the past few days, having had the issue brought to my attention from at least three separate sources, I've been thinking that maybe it is more than just a metaphor. I don't like thinking that way! The thought of malicious spiritual beings bent on my destruction, active and unseen in the world around me, is extremely unsettling. I like this world where what can be seen or otherwise scientifically verified is all that exists, besides God - where all things proceed by natural laws, and known inputs lead to known outputs, and nothing is out of place or uncontrollable. It is very comfortable, you know? Acceptance of a spiritual reality is in a sense truly a release of control, because while we can often control nature we cannot control the actions of spiritual beings whose very existence is only tenuously revealed to us. For someone like me that is absolutely frightening.

But when I seriously look at the Bible I see that, despite my fears and despite my ingrained way of thinking, there is a real spiritual war going on. In 2 Corinthians 10 we see Paul saying that even though we are in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, but fight with weapons that are mighty in God for "casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God." Similarly, in Ephesians 6 he tells us that we are struggling against the "rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places". So the armor that he tells us to wear in the following verses is more than a metaphor - it is truly spiritual armor that protects us in this war in which we find ourselves. I think that may be one of the purposes of the book of Revelation, actually - to show us the reality of the spiritual war that is going on all around us, so that we might be strong in battle instead of ignorant sheep wandering towards slaughter.

Coming to Revelation, though, one finds more than just a vivid picture of the reality and significance of this spiritual war. We see that the war will end, and we see that God will win, and we see that all things shall be made new in beauty and glory and peace. Essentially, we see that there is a hope to live for, because of the greatness of our God! It might be frightening and unnerving here and now to think of fighting and struggling with evil spirits in our everyday lives, but it doesn't need to be, because of the power of our God and our confidence that He is indeed on our side. If we have placed our faith in Him, He holds our souls safe even as we fight on the front lines of the war.

This almost makes me want to laugh in the face of the demons! Ha! Bring it on! My God is greater than you and you are doomed and already defeated! I'm not afraid of you, or anything you can do, because God is on my side! I'm not sure that is the most beneficial or humble response though... :) One thing is certain, though - it is better to live and fight and be vigilant against sin in the strength of God then to passively cower in fear and try to make everything comfortable and controlled.

The power that gives strength to hope

Thus far during this first week of Advent one theme that keeps recurring over and over - even in completely unrelated settings - is the greatness of God's power. It's not something I've often thought about before, at least in any depth, and yet I am finding that it is essential to fully understanding His other characteristics as well as the blessings He bestows on us and the path on which He calls us to walk.

For example, we have in Christ a hope for our future - a hope of glory, of the restoration of all things beautiful and good, of peace and justice in the world - and it is in the light of this hope that we can find encouragement to endure through the darkness and the sorrows that beset our world now. But if we don't grasp the totality of God's power, then there will always be an element of doubt and anxiety in our embrace of this hope, and our obedience and endurance in faith will be more shaky as a result.

Our God is the One who spoke and the worlds came into being, in the richness of their beauty and complexity. He is the One who even clothed in human weakness defeated death itself and returned to life. He is the One before whom Satan fell from heaven like lightning, and the One who freed people from the snares of Satan's minions with a word. And this God dwells within us, and loves us, and hears our prayers! Hope is not a desperate wish for a future good, when our almighty God stands behind it and backs it with His promises - it is an assurance and an eager expectation, for which we wait and persevere.

Candle of hope, candle of promise

This first week of Advent we light each night the candle of hope, to remember that we have an enduring hope in Christ in the midst of a broken world. On this first Sunday we remember specifically how God made the world good and very good from the beginning; all things were beautiful in their design and blameless in their function, and there was peace on the earth between animal and animal, and love between human and human. Shame had not yet shown its face, nor fear either, and men walked with God in the world He had created.

Into that beauty came a whispering voice of temptation and deception, and hard on its heels came sin and all the consequences of sin that we know too well, so that Adam and Eve hid themselves from God, and blamed each other for their disobedience, and were exiled from the garden with a curse that covered all creation with them. But in the middle of the curse came a promise, for our God is a God whose love is greater than our sin:

"And I will put enmityBetween you and the woman,And between your seed and her Seed;He shall bruise your head,And you shall bruise His heel.
[...] And Adam called his wife's name Eve, because she was the mother of all living." - Gen. 3:15, 20

Even in the despair of their exile and in the midst of the terrible curses of pain and hardship and social disunion, Adam could place his hope in this promise of God, and trust that through Eve would come one bringing life to destroy the seed of evil and the bonds of death.

They hoped for Christ's coming; today we both remember that hope and its fulfillment in His Incarnation, and still continue to hope for His final coming and the ultimate fulfillment of His promises. The perfection and peace that creation once enjoyed is not merely a pleasant memory but is also a living hope, for it will be restored and delivered with us in Christ when our adoption is completed and our bodies are made new. This is why we hope so eagerly for His return, because only then will all the physical world He has made be renewed and redeemed as our spiritual selves are already, and His kingdom will be restored on the earth, and the groaning and sorrow of this earth will be replaced with joy. So we hope, and we persevere in our hope through all the doubts and troubles that accost us, considering His promises a worthy thing to hold on to.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." - Rom. 8:18

Thanksgiving

I suppose I should finish my days of thanks :) Today I am thankful for Thanksgiving dinner with my family (so much good food!) and for Thanksgiving desserts with Paul's family (also a lot of good food!). I am thankful that we can have a good time with both of our families, and really enjoy being with them. Also Paul's brother and his wife were in town from California, so that was a special thanks! They are an awesome couple. Finally for today I am thankful that we were able to go see the new Muppet movie with some of Paul's family for his brother's birthday - it was a ridiculous movie (what else would you expect from Muppets?), but funny and a bit nostalgic, although I'm too young to have much of the nostalgia part.

 For this year, I am incredibly thankful that Paul asked me to marry him way back in January, and that we were married in May. Being his wife is one of the most wonderful things ever - I am loving what I have gotten to experience and learn so far, and I am looking forward to all the years that are hopefully before us! I am also deeply thankful for everything God has been doing in my heart, will, and mind; I don't know if this is objectively observable from the outside, but it seems to me that this year I have really gotten to know God more deeply and genuinely, and that He has been working on me quite a bit. I've been learning how to process and cope with a lot of different situations and emotions that have been difficult for me in the past, and I've also been learning a lot about how to serve others and really care about them. My desires both to know God and to love others have increased over the year, anyway. Hopefully those desires translate into real action and change, and don't just simmer inside my heart until they gradually turn lukewarm.

Anyway, good night and Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Sixth day of thanks!

Today I am thankful for successful completion of my digital design project (I'm so glad it's over before Thanksgiving!) and also for the short amount of time it took to do the demonstrations for it, which gave me the chance to go to my sister's vocal recital. I am thankful that I have such musically talented siblings, and I am also thankful that since they are both in college their performances are usually free so I can go hear them quite frequently :)

I am also thankful that I had a lot of down time at work today and was able to begin Advent preparations! I am really looking forward to Advent this year and am trying to create a good collection of Bible passages to accompany each day, so that I won't be left struggling over the specifics when I am ready each night to celebrate and remember and hope. In addition, while we're on the topic of Advent, I am very thankful for the wreath and candles that my mom gave to me last year, and I'm excited about being able to set them up on Sunday.

God is so consistently and wonderfully good!

Searching for home; yearning to belong

In this life, as Christians, we necessarily experience a degree of tension because we are at the same time part of this world and yet not part of it. We are called and commanded in so many ways to be intimately bound up with this life, invested and engaged in our communities, laboring for the good of the earth and the people in the earth - to live with the "this-worldliness" that Bonhoeffer wrote of. We're supposed to honor, submit to, and pray for those in authority over us in a worldly sense (1 Peter 2:13,17; Romans 13:1-7); to work to provide for ourselves and our families (2 Thess. 3:10-12, Eph. 4:28, 1 Tim. 5:8); to serve the poor and needy, and to live with generosity and hospitality towards others (1 Tim. 5:10, Mat. 25:37-40). And to do all of that well, our minds have to be in the world, wrapped up in the affairs of the world and of other people, to truly be aware of the needs we can meet, and our strength needs to be used in the midst of the world to put forth enough effort to actually make a difference in the lives of other people.

And yet at the same time we are reminded that we are not of this world, though we are still in it. In a crucial way we have been pulled out and set apart, and given a new home. Peter, in his first letter, prefaces his exhortation about how to live in the world by reminding us that we are "sojourners and pilgrims" in this world. The Apostle Paul agonizes over the choice between living on and continuing his work, or dying and going to be with Christ, "which is far better." There is a sense that even though we are in this world and ought to be living wholeheartedly in this world addressing its needs and problems with the talents God has given us, we still do not fully belong here. Some of the most beautiful hymns capture this feeling of unbelonging with their music as much as with their lyrics, crying out the longing of the heart to live in the courts of the Lord instead of on this cursed and sin-filled earth, yearning with the sons of Korah in Psalm 84 for a place that we can truly call home.

How can we reconcile these two threads of being that run through our lives as Christians? Tension can be a good thing, but it can also be paralyzing or bewildering, and if the tension can be brought to harmony - if the two themes can run the course of faith together instead of pulling in opposition - that would be an even better thing. One way I have thought of involves considering the issue differently: instead of feeling like we do not belong in the world, and thus tending to ignore it or wish to be rid of it, we could perhaps feel like the world does not yet belong with us. We have been redeemed and are being restored; it has not yet reached that point. But instead of leaving it in its sin, we can choose to take part in its restoration. It does not yet belong in the glorious halls of holiness, but by the grace of God it will, and it is our privilege to work and hope for its redemption. Creation was indeed "subjected to futility", but we have this hope and assurance that it "also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God." (Romans 8:21). Having been called out to God in advance, so to speak, by the work of Christ in a place where He truly did not "belong," we can now labor in this world in His likeness and in His same work of reconciliation and redemption, to bring all things to Him who makes all things new. And someday, when the creation is brought forth into our liberty through our adoption by God, we will finally have a genuine and everlasting home, a place where we can truly belong.

The fifth day of thanks!

Today it is late and the day was long but there is so much to be thankful for that I couldn't let it go without a post!

I am thankful for warm showers in the morning and leftover French Toast for breakfast. And I am extra thankful for my wonderful husband who drove me to work this morning when I was tired and running late!

I am thankful for time to finish my circuit simulations for my final design project today, and also thankful for a little bit of time snatched to work on my secret for Paul while I was waiting for him to come pick me up :)

I am thankful for the chance to go to my brother's percussion ensemble concert tonight and hear some awesome music (featuring him rather prominently, which was especially fun for me!) and then go out for frozen yogurt with my family :) I have such a fun family and I love being able to spend time with them.

Ok, this isn't the most exciting post because I'm tired and not thinking very creatively, but just as a small rabbit trail I think this whole concept of intentionally remembering things to be thankful for each day is a good way to help encourage happiness in my heart. Maybe VeggieTales had it right when they said, "A thankful heart is a happy heart!" Instead of focusing on what I don't have, or what is bothering me, or what I'm struggling with, I get to let my mind dwell on all these good things that I do have, and I believe that is a good habit to be in.

Third and Fourth Thankful Days!

So I missed posting yesterday but the reason is one of the things I'm thankful for! I got to spend most of the afternoon and evening with my family, planning for Thanksgiving dinner, working on my secret project for Paul, eating good food (we brought Paul along for that part :) ), listening to my brother and sister make good music, playing piano myself, and just overall having a great time. I really am thankful that God placed me into such a wonderful family, and that I've been able to have really close friendships with my brother and sister, and that I was able to have a special and unexpected day with them yesterday. There's something about being human that gives one a sort of longing for a community and a home, I think - we were designed to give and receive love in relationship, like God does in Himself and with His creation, and it is not good for us to be alone.

Today, I am thankful for a church that preaches the gospel, and that refuses to let a week go by without reminding me to fix my eyes upon Christ and walk in faith by grace. It can be easy to drift through life trying to be a good and decent person, forgetting the incredible grace of God that both raises us from the depths of our sin and calls us to a life of obedience. We do good and expect to be rewarded by God, or stumble and fear punishment from God, forgetting that Jesus has already borne the punishment and promises us an eternal reward based on His righteousness rather than our own. Like our pastor said this morning, God isn't Santa Claus! He doesn't keep a list of which of His children are naughty and which are nice, and dole out blessings and hardships accordingly. He gives us blessings abundantly beyond what we deserve or could ever have earned, and at the same time He promises that we will experience suffering. The key to understanding is to remember that the reason behind both the good things and the bad lies within God Himself. Reality is not centered around you or me, but around God, and so sometimes things happen that wouldn't make sense to take place in a man-centered world. Anyway, I will stop here before I go too far tangentially down the random courses of my thoughts, and simply say that I am so very thankful for a God that interacts with me on the basis of His love and grace rather than on the basis of my righteousness and merit!

Second Day of Thanks

Today I am thankful for the beauty of the world! Driving home from work the sky was filled with such a wonderful sunset - not grandiose and spectacular, but gentle and soft, pinks and blues and purples resting on every horizon. It felt as though the sky was almost close enough to touch, as though it were drawing near like the blanket you pull around yourself just before you drift off to sleep.

When I think about how every night there is another sunset, different from every other one that came before it, I am in awe of the God who crafted them. He didn't form the world merely so that it would function effectively; He designed it so that in the very act of performing those essential functions it would radiate with beauty and wonder.

So in addition to being thankful for all the beauty that fills creation, I am also thankful that our God is one who could and would create in the way that He did! He is truly wonderful - more beautiful than we can fully comprehend - and it is His beauty and wonder that is reflected in the world that He made.

First Day of Thanks

For the week leading up to Thanksgiving, I thought it would be really neat to take some time each day to remember some of the blessings I have, for which I am very grateful! It can be so easy for me to focus on the problems in my life (especially now when school is busy and the holidays, with all their corresponding obligations and expectations, are looming near), but in reality I have so much to be thankful for, and focusing on those things is a wonderful way to cultivate contentment and joy in my heart.


Today I am thankful for...

...a warm bed to wake up in and the chance to start off my day with a hot shower!

...a husband who is home with me (instead of deployed, for example) and lets me snuggle up next to him in the morning when I wake up and don't want to get out of bed yet

...a job with flexible hours that allows me to take classes part-time and gives us an income to live on

...all the kids at Awana on Wednesday night! Working with those kids is one of the highlights of my week :)

...delicious perfect pomegranates from my parents' tree

...the special berries that my husband got for me on Tuesday! Berries in November - crazy, right? Only in Arizona, I guess :)

...a Bible of my own, in my heart language, and the ability to read it and draw closer to God through it.

...amazing grace that never lets me go!

Race, intelligence, and the love of God

Many people who have studied race and intelligence come to the conclusion that certain races of the human species are more intelligent than others (Asians are at the top, if you were curious). A century or so ago, that conclusion paired up with the newly-popular theory of materialistic evolution to lead to some rather despicable practices and beliefs - like eugenics (particularly racial eugenics, which is simply sanitized genocide), colonialism, justification of race-based slavery, and social darwinism. Even in the US, in the 1910's and 20's, these type of ideas were taking hold and growing quickly. In the next few decades, however, in the wake of German Nazism, these beliefs faded to a hushed undercurrent in the scientific community.

But the ideas didn't go away. Ideas don't, usually. People stop talking about them out of fear, or to maintain a good image, or to help themselves win approval and career advancement, but they still harbor their true beliefs in their hearts and heads. So in the 1960's we see a resurgence of all the old racial prejudices; in particular, one study questioned the value of remedial education for African American children who had been disadvantaged during segregation of schools, claiming that those children were innately less intelligent and would never succeed academically despite receiving additional support and teaching. Needless to say, this sparked quite a debate, that continued through the 90's with publication of books, articles, and rebuttals from both sides. It is interesting to realize that even as the government was striving to do more to promote racial equality in society, scientists were debating about the mere existence of biological racial equality in the first place. More recently, world-renowned figures like James Watson have postulated that the continued poverty and chaos in Africa is due to lower average intelligence of the people there. Some people (most of whom are white supremacists) go even a step further, and suggest that different races also have different moral norms - that Africans are inherently more violent because of their genetics, for instance.

When I read these kinds of theories, it makes me intensely angry. In the first place, it is extremely hard to separate environment from heredity in many of these studies; looking at Africa again, as an example, how would be one be able to be sure that poverty is caused by lower average intelligence and not that lower average intelligence is caused by malnutrition, disease, and the emotional trauma of living in an insecure and war-torn land? And there can be even less certainty with regards to ethical mores! The people who believe that theory forget that their own culture has been steeped in Christianity for centuries - don't you think that might affect where we are today as Western society? In many developing countries, even where Christianity has technically been present for a long time, it has been assimilated into previous modes of thought and operation, leaving them unchanged, and has not in the majority of places been woven into the tapestry of life. True change takes time and the work of the Spirit, not an outward veneer of religion or modernity. Finally, it angers me because it is used as an excuse to withdraw resources and aid from people in these racial groups or from nations consisting largely of certain racial groups. I have read blogs where people argue that because Africans are less intelligent and more violent, we should let them kill each other off in Africa and do nothing about it, regardless of the human suffering involved, and it sickens me.

I don't think that our behavior toward other people, as Christians, should be affected by the truth or falsehood of these theories. Compared to God, we are all unintelligent and full of sin - and yet what do we see in His behavior toward us? He loves us unconditionally and He suffers for our redemption, restoration, and transformation; when He was walking around the earth He provided healing and food for the poor and not always very bright crowds that followed Him and listened to His teaching, and He knelt down in humility to serve the ones He created. So no matter what science or pseudoscience would have us believe about the nature of other people or groups of people, we need to remember that in Christ we are reconciled together in one body (Eph. 2:14-18) and that we are called to consider others as better and more important than ourselves (Phil. 2:3-4). There is no permission, in our faith, to condemn others or to consider ourselves superior to others. If they do not know Christ, then our heart's desire should be for their spiritual salvation as well as their physical well-being, and if they do know Christ, then our hearts should break at their suffering for they are our brothers and our sisters. Remember what our Lord said to His disciples at the end of His ministry?

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for on another." - John 13:34-35

I think that might be a good principle to strive to live by, don't you? We cannot rank people (whether by wealth, power, intelligence, or morality) and attend only to those at our level or love only those who are superior and can benefit us or interact with lower than us only with scorn or pity or condescension! We are simply commanded to love one another, with no limits or qualifications.

Racism and eugenics and similar beliefs about the nature of humanity ultimately stem from a worldview that is in outright opposition to the one we claim to hold as children of God - a worldview that would have us believe we descended from apes and that some of us are closed to that ancestor than others, a worldview that would make us think that what seems advantageous in this life (intelligence, health, money, or power) is all that matters because this life is all there is. Believing as we do that humanity was created in the image of God, in beauty and meaning and worth, and that we have an eternal home and purpose, we can look at the human species in all of its diversity and in all of its sinfulness and learn to genuinely love and value each member of it (insofar as we are able with the constraints of time and space and resources) by the grace of the God who first loved us. I'm not saying that this is an easy or a simple task - I am currently finding it quite difficult to respond with love to people who speak callously of the atrocities in the DRC and wish the Africans would destroy each other, for instance! - but it is the task we are called to and it is our responsibility to discover what obedience to that commandment ought to look like in all the situations in which we find ourselves.

The Body of Christ

In reading 1 Corinthians 12:14-27 (about the body of Christ) while preparing for my Bible study tonight, I noticed a key phrase that had never really caught my eye before. Verse 18 reads:

"But now God has set the members, each one of them, in the body just as He pleased."

 Each and every one of us thus has a function intended for us by God. We don't get to choose our function, beyond a limited range, because God has equipped us with specific talents and given us specific opportunities. As a hand, we could choose whether to wield a sword or carry healing herbs, for example, but we wouldn't be able to choose to be a foot or an eye. So, our responsibility as a hand would be to live as faithfully for Christ, in our unique position in the body, as we can, even if we don't always enjoy that position. It is not our responsibility to choose what seems like the most "Christian" profession to us and force ourselves into that mold, if God is calling us elsewhere, and it is not our privilege to pick the most prestigious or comfortable position and aim for that. God gets to choose what part of the body we are.

That might sound constraining to some but to me it sounds so freeing! If God has chosen what part I am to play in the body, then all I need to do is trust Him and obey Him - to follow hard after Him and seek to know Him more - and He will reveal to me what my function should be in the body and then by His Spirit transform me into a more godly hand or nose or ear or whatever I might be. I don't need to worry about finding the ideal vocation and pursuing it wholeheartedly - I just need to pursue God wholeheartedly and let Him lead me into the vocation He has chosen for me. And whatever it is, I can also be free from the stress and distraction of comparison and jealousy because I know I am doing what God has called me to do, and that my part of the body is just as much a functional and good part as any other! What I mean is that while I may not be a missionary or a translator, I am still a part of the body set where God was pleased to place me, doing the work He has given me to do in this time of my life, and following after Him, and that honors Him more than performing those other functions in an attempt to win glory for myself.

Hope in the darkness

I've been struggling to write about anything lately, partly because I've been reading too much too quickly without enough accompanying rumination (and partly because what I have been ruminating about isn't in line with what I try to write about here). I do apologize for that!

With that said, today I still do not have a specific thought or topic in mind, but I do have a general feeling or mood. I've been reading about the state of the DRC, about the Occupy Wall Street movement, about the aftereffects of feminism, about famine and disease across the world, and about finance and economics here in the US, and honestly it's been rather depressing. Everywhere one turns, it seems, the world is rife with sin - really horrifying sin in some places, and in every place sin that is entrenched and unchallenged - and filled with pain. If death is the payment for sin, pain must be the benefits that accompany the salary. In the face of all those problems, especially knowing that they will necessarily become worse if the world follows its current course, it can be hard to remain hopeful about the future. What is there to be hopeful for? Will the DRC, along with other struggling nations in Africa and elsewhere in the world, find healing and restoration? Most likely not, at least in the near future, without a dramatic intervention by God. Will people in the US learn to take responsibility for themselves and the consequences of their choices, and rebuild a stable society? Perhaps, but it seems like at least half of the population is bent on destroying any long-term society in the name of short-term peace and prosperity, so I wouldn't count on it.

Everywhere I look, people are pointing out the problems in the world, and finding someone or some group or some ideology to blame those problems on. Problems in Africa? Blame the blacks (not linking the article I read here as it was really hateful), or Western interference, or the environment! Problems between the sexes? Blame the women who live for their own pleasure and "fulfillment" at the expense of their husbands and children - or blame the men who live with their parents and play video games and overall refuse to "man up"! Problems with the economy? Blame the ones who make irresponsible choices and don't want to live with the struggles they've made for themselves - or blame the ones who sit in power and wealth and increase their gain with corruption and greed! While the articles I linked tend to be courteous and respectful about their arguments (I picked ones I liked, for the most part), there is a lot of blaming going on elsewhere, and the general atmosphere of it is hard to escape. Even when I agree with a point or an argument the net effect is incredibly disheartening (and my recent reading list hasn't even included directly political issues, religious issues, or education issues, which I know from past experience can be even more discouraging to me).

My friends, if we want to change the world, we have to start on our knees. Anyone who chooses to open their eyes can see that there are problems, and anyone born with a sin nature knows the incredible strength of the human desire to follow our own lusts and emotions regardless of the consequences for ourselves or for other people. Problems aren't going to be solved by pointing them out to the people responsible because, all too often, they simply don't care. They have chosen that path, they have seen the consequences, and they have continued to walk down it. The world might go to hell in a handbasket, but at least they did what they wanted as it went. We cannot look to other people for hope, because the basis for hope is not found in humanity but in God.

This is where the dark mood of this post begins to change: in God. While we are not capable of redeeming and restoring the world through our own efforts (witness many generations of attempts and many billions of dollars spent towards these ends throughout history), God is capable of that task. He begins in the heart of each individual and works up from there to restore society, to create beauty, to build stability, and to renew love in community. Looking at the state of our world, it is obvious that this will not be a quick or easy fix - but the Lord of all the Universe has already given His own Son towards the work and we can be sure that He will not fail at what He has begun. There will be restoration, and all things will be new! If we hold on through the darkness to the hope we have received through Christ, we will see that hope fulfilled.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope; because the creation itself will also be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation groans and labors together with birth pangs until now. Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees?" - Romans 8:18-24

I urge you (as one weak and easily discouraged herself, and much in need of her own advice) not to become disheartened and discouraged as you see the world falling apart around you. It has been falling apart ever since man fell first, and only the common grace of God is keeping it together now, and only His saving grace can fully restore and make it right. That is why it is so important, if we truly want things to change, to pray about those things, to lift up those needs and that darkness to the Lord! For we have this promise, in which we hope: that He will accomplish that end and that, in Him, one day, the earth shall be full of joy and love and glory as it is now full of sorrow and bitterness and cruelty. That hope is reason to smile even when faced with the darkness and sin of the world, because we know it will not last and cannot conquer.

Baking with my mothers before me

There's something about bread dough that is breathtakingly beautiful. More than any other kind of cooking, I feel, it is truly an art and most definitely a joy. When I'm growing a sponge, the yeast bubbling away at the loose batter fills the whole house with such a wonderful aroma that it's almost difficult for me to focus on anything else, and when I touch the risen dough ever so gently after it's come to dizzingly precarious heights over the sides of my rising bowl (I am sadly without a large enough bowl for more than about one loaf at a time), I get shivers. It is so amazing to me how the natural metabolism of the yeast cells works so perfectly with the gluten in the wheat to create a delicate network of protein strands stretched and elevated into place by carbon dioxide, and then how the heat of the oven captures that elaborate structure by hardening the wheat and killing the yeast, simultaneously preventing the bread from unlimited growth and from collapse.

Today, taking advantage of the flexible timeline of bread-making, I am baking an old family recipe for oatmeal bread; it is a rich, deep, sweet and chewy bread, moist with oats and flavored with the slightest hint of molasses. I let the yeast feast away on a warm mix of oats, water, molasses, sugar, and salt for several hours while Paul and I had lunch with his family, and when I returned the earthy smell of happy yeast accosted me full force. It was such a delight! When I finally was able to add the flour, that smell had changed slightly to an almost alcoholic odor (if you leave yeast long enough, you start to get some fermentation; some people say this makes for more tasty and nutritious bread. I however ended up with this fermentation accidentally due to an afternoon nap...), which is new to me in my personal experience of bread-making, but as the dough has risen beautifully (domed to perfection under its protective towel), I think it should be quite fine. This recipe is one of my favorites partly because it is so old that it calls for "a lump of butter the size of an egg" and doesn't specify how much flour to add or what temperature to bake the bread at (or for how long... the directions are rather sparse even given the notes I've added to them), which gives me a feeling of freedom with the baking. Honestly I never pay attention to how much flour the recipe says to add anyway, because it varies so much depending on the humidity in the air, and most recipes originate in more humid places than here in Arizona!

So today I am thankful for time at home to bake bread. I am thankful for the incredible design of yeast and wheat that allows them to work so well together, and for whatever people first discovered those properties! I am thankful for a great-grandmother that passed down her recipes, and with them a tradition of nourishing love (as far as I know, every one of the women in my mother's line, mother to daughter over the generations, has loved to cook and to show their love with food). All these beautiful things that I take for granted so often, today I remember and am thankful for them.

Meditation on Psalm 36:7-9

"How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God!
Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings."


He holds me in the palm of His hand; His strength overwhelms me.
In the surety of His love I find peace.
I will make my home where the scent of His presence wafts in on sweetened winds;
I will sing praise in the beauty of my Lord.

"They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house,
And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures."


Like an orchard heavy-laden in the harvest,
Like the heady draughts of autumn air and fresh-pressed cider,
Like the dazzling rich and deep-hued falling leaves,
His love drips down abundance and my heart responds with fruit.

"For with You is the fountain of life;
In Your light we see light."


All seeming light apart from Him is dimming darkness;
All seeming life apart from Him is death.
My love, in You the air is clear, the sun is bright, no lies obscure my sight -
In You my dying heart is made anew and learns to walk in life.

A burden or a blessing?

On Friday, Paul flew to Memphis for an interview for physical therapy school. Unfortunately, his flight left at 5:30 in the morning, which with the state of security meant that we needed to leave the house at 4:00. On Thursday, I was telling people at work about this and one woman (who is married and had coincidentally driven her husband to an early morning flight earlier in the week) responded with, "oh, and I suppose he expects you to take him to the airport, right?"

The next day, after I dropped Paul off, I went straight in to work (early in, early out!) and one of the maintenance guys saw me about 6:00 and asked why I was there so early. When I told him about Paul's flight, his whole face lit up with this big grin and he said, "oh, so you got to drive him there!" It was so sweet.

Anyway, it was primarily the contrast between the two responses that stood out to me. On the one hand, the service is seen as something grudgingly performed out of a sense of duty because my husband actually expected me to do something out of the ordinary for him (I don't know if the woman from my work really thinks of it this way; it is just the impression I got from her response. She is quite a nice lady from what I can see). On the other hand, the service was seen almost as a privilege - something special that I got to do for my husband whom I love.

Before I talked to these two people, I hadn't thought about why I was driving Paul to the airport. He needed someone to drive him, and who better than me? But I can tell you now what reason I would rather have to do any similar act of service that comes my way! Instead of viewing it as a chore and a burden, I want to see it as a blessing and a joy, as a way to show Paul how much I truly love him.

Bonhoeffer: living by faith

Tonight I finished listening (for the second time this week) to Focus on the Family's truly excellent radio drama of the life of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, which closes with a quote from one of his letters from prison:

"It is only by living completely in this world that one learns to live by faith. One must completely abandon any attempt to make something of oneself, whether it be saint, or converted sinner, or churchman, a righteous man, or an unrighteous one, a sick man, or a healthy one. By this-worldliness I mean living unreservedly in life's duties, problems, successes and failures, experiences, and perplexities. In so doing, we throw ourselves completely into the arms of God, taking seriously not our own sufferings, but those of God in the world, watching with Christ in Gethsamene. That, I think, is faith. That is how one becomes a man and a Christian." - Bonhoeffer, Letters from Prison

Listening to the account of his committed faith in the face of doubt, opposition, and the fear of torture and death, I was deeply challenged. I like to think that I serve God well - that I strive to love and follow Him, that I desire to seek and obey Him - but my faith is nothing compared to the faith of men and women like Dietrich Bonhoeffer. So many trivial and insignificant things even in this good life I have now make me anxious or afraid! How could I hope to have the faith and the courage needed to live out of trust in God like he did, when I am beset by fears here and now? If trials come to the Christians in America like they to the Christians in 1930's Germany, will I be one who lives in integrity and faith, or will I be like the countless people who submitted to and participated in evil because of fear? If I one day have the privilege of ministering for the gospel in a third-world country, will I be able to hold my witness boldly and without compromise if there is persecution or opposition?

Looking at Bonhoeffer's quote, I think my course of action is clear. Here and now, I must live as God has called me to live. When fear rises in my heart, whether the cause is significant or trivial, I must take that fear to Christ and move on trusting Him. I must not let those fears dictate the extent of my obedience to Christ. And I must embrace any suffering, however great or however small, that He sends into my life, because He sends it for my sanctification, that through learning to trust Him in those sufferings my faith might increase and I might know Him more. This means being disciplined and vigilant in my walk with God and in all the daily details of my life, to endeavor to perform those details according to His will and for His glory, instead of according to my plans and to glorify myself. If I want to do great things for God and truly honor Him with my life, then I can't just sit back, go my own way, do my own things, and expect for it all to somehow just happen. I have to press into Him, to push forward, to aim upward, to seek Him in everything I do - and as Bonhoeffer pointed out, to do so in the midst of the problems, successes, and failures of this life (as opposed to some ideal life that I might picture in my head).

When some people think of pursuing God whole-heartedly - and of this pursuit being an important and even essential part of the Christian faith - they worry about legalism. Somehow striving to obey God must mean that you're trusting in that obedience to earn you God's favor and salvation, in their minds. I suggest that it might rather be a response to God's love and grace and a result of seeing God in His power and glory. If He is truly our God - our Lord, our Master, our King and Creator - then oughtn't we obey His commands? If, on top of that, He has redeemed us from death and loved us unconditionally through our sin, rebellion, and disbelief, don't you think that rationally we owe Him our very lives? When all we have is from Him, how can we hold it back for ourselves instead of giving it up to Him? This is not legalism; this is living as child of God. Grace does not excuse our sin; rather, it enables us to live righteously.

May we walk, then, in the grace that is from God and in faith in Him, in whatever He brings to our lives. Doing this now, when life is relatively easy, prepares our hearts to follow in faith when life becomes much harder, and brings glory to the Lord we love.

Procreation and unity - or, contraception part II

This post is not as "family-friendly" (that is, child-appropriate) as most on this blog

Reading my way across the internet today, I came across a very clearly and eloquently worded explanation of the nature of sexual intimacy (actually this writer has consistently been, in all that I have read so far, quite clear, logical, courteous, and sensitive to beauty, which makes for very enjoyable and edifying reading).

"...human sexual nature is not a collection of facts that have no meaning until we freely assign them one. Sexual intercourse has a natural teleology; it is ordered to procreation. This natural end provides a context which itself assigns a meaning to the sexual act. This meaning is “natural” in the sense that it “presents itself” to the mind of a sufficiently intelligent participant without requiring any decision on his or her part. If I make love to a woman, it means “I choose you to be the mother of my children.” This, and only this, is directly and naturally signified by intercourse. However, for an intelligent being, able to consider the future, it has profound implications. Children require a family, so the sexual act implies an irrevocable commitment; it initiates a new society consisting of the spouses and their prospective children. In the conjugal act, the spouses pledge their allegiance to this society—this also is virtually contained in the act’s one natural meaning." - In Defense of Patriarchy, by bonald

The unitive nature of the act, then, is bound to its procreative nature. This is an assertion I have heard many times but never completely understood. For example, I have struggled to understand why some (including, officially, the Catholic Church) believe that it is wrong for a married couple to use contraception. After all, the married couple has already, in other ways, signified and established the union between them, and they are most likely intending to bring that union to fruition at some point in the future. The man is still choosing that woman to be the mother of his children (and vice versa) - just not yet.

And yet I can see, symbolically, the contradiction in that. Symbolically, contraception is truly a rejection - a rejection of the full nature of sexual intercourse and thus a reduction of its meaning, and a rejection at a very basic level of the other person. If sexual intimacy is unifying by nature and not just by convention, then contraception interferes with that union by preventing the partners from completely giving themselves to each other. In the middle of what ought to be an utterly self-surrendering act, in which each becomes the other's, the man does not give and the woman does not receive. Considering that some (beautifully expressed over at Like Mother, Like Daughter) have defined masculinity and femininity by the roles of being the first giver and the one who receives in order to give again, respectively, this is a serious issue. Symbolically, not just physically, contraception establishes a barrier between two people even as they are seeking unity, by short-circuiting the inherent procreative nature of sexual intercourse on which the unitive nature is founded.

What, then, are the practical implications of that symbolism? Does it matter morally, emotionally, or spiritually - or is it just a beautiful ideal picture? I'm not sure, to be honest. I don't know that it is inherently wrong for a married couple to use contraception, but I am having a hard time coming up with an argument as coherent and beautiful as the one above. Everything begins to sound like an excuse or a rationalization rather than a unified understanding of the nature of sexual intercourse within marriage as God designed and intended it, which is insufficient for someone who desires to follow God wholeheartedly in this area of life just as in any other. Do any of you have thoughts on this? Can you offer me a complete picture of the nature and purpose of sexual intimacy and how that informs our behavior, as opposed to a "I'm sure it is fine to use contraception now, since you're committed and planning on having children later?"

Fighting off the excuses and taking the harder road

A lot of the commands in the Bible are very specific and straightforward. For example, it doesn't take a scholar or a theologian to understand that God wants us to pray regularly and to rejoice in Him - those commands are scattered throughout the New Testament, with various degrees of explanation and specificity. Yet for some reason we as Christians don't seem to want to take those commands seriously. How many people actually set aside a decent amount of time every day to pray for others and to praise and thank God? How many people pray throughout their day as they encounter, struggle with, or are blessed with various things? I don't think the number is very high (I'm not regularly one of them myself either, to my shame). And why is having a conversation with God in the morning before work something I think I can be proud of, something exceptional, instead of something I perceive as normal and natural obedience to my Lord?

Similarly, the Bible is pretty clear in its injunctions to put the needs of others higher than one's own, to love and respect other people, to speak encouraging and uplifting words, to cultivate a spirit of gentleness, and to seek union (rather than conflict or division) with our brothers and sisters in Christ. Are there times when the specific application of a command is unclear? Yes, most definitely! For some commands, also, that is more frequent than others. But that does not free us of the obligation to obey those commands when we do understand how they are to be obeyed, nor should it be used as an excuse to cover up an unwillingness of the heart to submit to God. Are there times when our circumstances seem to have conspired against us, so that we're tired, sick, bowed down with sorrow, and incredibly busy all at once, and the last thing we want to do is think about anyone else's needs? Yes, and in those times obeying God can be terribly hard. But it is key in those times to admit that we are struggling with our sinful desires, and thus to throw ourselves upon God's grace in dependence and repentance, instead of using those circumstances to rationalize away any and all behavior.

The call to obedience is loud and clear throughout God's word, even when any other more specific call of God (to vocation, for instance) is ambiguous or uncertain. Why should we expect Him to reveal more of that specific call if we have shown ourselves to be unwilling to obey Him in what He has revealed already? Obedience is a hard path to walk, but I think as we learn to travel it we will find it strewn with treasure and covered with joy, because we travel it with Jesus.

A response to the melancholy portrait

A follow-up to this.

The past may be full of regrets, but that doesn't mean the present is meaningless or the future hopeless. In every faithful task you do, however humble and valueless it may seem at the time, you can be honoring God and blessing the people He has placed in your life. You may not be doing the grand and glorious things you once dreamed of - and maybe it is your own fault, because of your own sin and carelessness - but that doesn't mean God has given up on you and condemned the remainder of your life to worthlessness! You may have given up on yourself (it is so easy, is it not, when you see how often you have failed before?) but He is still calling out to you: "in this time, in this place, hear My voice and follow Me. Leave your past behind you and press in towards Me now - take up these daily toils with a willing heart, set aside your dreams of glory, and find your joy in Me."

Joy comes from knowing the Lord who loves you - from seeing Him in His beauty and glory and rejoicing in the breath-taking realization that He wants you to be His! Love is found in surrendering to that same Lord and beginning to live truly for Him - not "for Him" as a mask for living for yourself and winning the approval and admiration of others, but truly and sacrificially for Him. That love can hurt sometimes, but it is more than worth it, and at least it will break up that emptiness in your heart. I've felt it too, you know, and I've found that immersing oneself in the love of God, in the precious blood of Christ, will erode its foundation of fog and deceit. What's more, it will give you the power to love other people as you've always wanted to love them, in a life-changing way. You just have to be willing to let go of yourself and who you've always wanted and striven to be.

The Spirit is waiting to craft you into a work of beauty, a living testament to His grace and goodness - but you have to be willing to let Him choose the final design. That might mean that you'll never be known as a great woman of God far and wide through your books or ministries or missionary work, but it doesn't mean that you won't actually be a great woman of God. Your children might rise up and call you blessed; your husband may praise you. Or they might not. But if you step into God's joy and give up yourself to Him, to labor in His love by His grace, to faithfully do what He has set before you even when you can't see or imagine the purpose, you will hear those most wonderful words when at last your life here is over: "Well done, good and faithful servant; enter into the joy of your Lord."

A melancholy portrait

As the world tends downwards, and as sin hinders love, a secret sorrow deepens in the heart of a woman. Regrets build up as the years go by - "Why did I date that boy in college? Why didn't I pursue that dream I once had? Why didn't I use my time more wisely when I had more of it? Why didn't I take life seriously when I was younger instead of letting its burdens and responsibilities catch me unawares? Why did I stop reading great books or listening to great music?", and so on - and the walls and the roof of her future close in ominously. Vision narrows, and hope fades. While she knows she has a good life and is doing good things for the people she loves, she has resigned herself to a lack of greatness. She goes through her days dutifully performing the tasks set before her, with an empty soul yearning for some great purpose. Having given up on ever fulfilling her dreams, she limits the scope of her goals and ambitions so that her regret might not come upon her so fiercely. She remembers the words she once heard - that the good is the eternal enemy of the best - but she remembers them in vain, because the good has already conquered. Step by careless step she has forsaken the best her whole life in favor of the good, the expected, the choices that make her family and community satisfied; step by reckless step she has abandoned the crazy single-minded devotion that could have made her life a shining witness to God's glory and power and changed the world. Step by selfish step she has chosen the easy and the accepted, and found too late that joy and fulfillment lay elsewhere. Is it any wonder that sadness dwells in the hidden mazes of her striving, longing, foolish heart?

Contentment, commitment, and love

Love is founded on commitment. It is what allows love to rise above the ebb and flow of emotions to become something enduring and precious. So in order to have a truly lasting love, it is necessary to set your will beneath it - to choose, when emotions are high and love seems to carry all away before it, to keep loving even when those emotions have disappeared and the intoxicating aroma of new love has faded away.

Of all the things that erode this determination of the will, discontentment is, I think, one of the most potent. Cultivating an attitude of discontent will inevitably eat away at one's commitment to another person and thus destroy one's love for that person from within. There is always a fault to be found in one's current situation or with a particular friend or with one's husband or wife. Especially for someone idealistic like me, who is always searching for the best in any situation, it is easy to see those shortcomings! When I was single, for example, I often longed for the union and deep mutual knowing and love of marriage, and now within marriage I keep wondering how our relationship and service to God could be improved and am tempted to compare our marriage with others. Instead of finding ways to serve and honor God at my current job and time of life, I wish that I could be in a more active ministry or even in foreign missions. In every case, the issue lies within my heart: I fail to see the opportunities that lie in my present situation, looking rather at the multitude of opportunities that abound in different situations all around me. I choose to focus on the shortcomings of where I am now instead of on the great blessings that are hidden in these circumstances, and in so doing I allow my heart to be filled with dissatisfaction and discontent - and my love diminishes.

Whence, then does true contentment come? How can I be content in the circumstances and relationships I have now instead of yearning for something else? It comes from the Lord God. If my heart has found its rest in Christ, then it derives full satisfaction from Him alone, regardless of where my life may take me. As the psalmist said,

"How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God!Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings.They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house,And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures." - Psalm 36:7-8

If my deep satisfaction comes from God, then I don't need to look for it in my situation, and I can even have the joy in my heart necessary to see the good and the beautiful in my circumstances no matter what they are. With this contentment, then (stemming from God and opening my eyes to the many blessings I have in my current position), I can strengthen my commitment to the ones I love, and thus build a more lasting love for them.

My soul longs for You like a thirsty land

I am a person of many moods. A compliment, a glimpse of light on falling water, a butterfly, a feeling of God's goodness or nearness, or a fascinating idea, can send me soaring crazily high into happiness. On the other hand, a small troubling thought, a worry about something almost insignificant, a failure to accomplish everything on my to-do list, or a feeling that someone (especially God!) may not be pleased with me, can send me spiraling downward in seconds. In the same day I can be almost overwhelmed with joy, praising God and rejoicing in the blessings He has given me, and then be burdened with the feelings of guilt and unworthiness to the point where it is difficult for me to do anything at all.

Because of this tendency of mine to ride an emotional roller coaster, I have found it extremely important to keep my mind meditating on the truth of God's word. If His promises aren't there in my heart, then I have no guard against those things that would weary my soul and empty my heart of hope. So I read Scripture, and I memorize verses (Psalms are especially encouraging), and I delight in the Lord who loves me, and His word encourages me. But in the darkest times - when the light of joy seems to have set like the sun beyond the horizon, and the night stretches out around me, starless and moonless and void - in those times, my only recourse is to cry out to my God, and cling to Him desperately, my Rock and my Deliverer.

And I found today that the great pray-er of prayers, whose very cries to God were inspired by God, has been in that place, and lifted up his voice to God with words that I can also speak when my own words fail to come from the heavy ache inside me (forgive me for quoting so much of this psalm here; it is just so meaningful to me).

"Hear my prayer, O Lord,
Give ear to my supplications!
In Your faithfulness answer me,
And in Your righteousness.
Do not enter into judgment with Your servant,
For in Your sight no one living is righteous.

For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the ground;
He has made me dwell in darkness,
Like those who have long been dead.
Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart within me is distressed. 

I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all Your works;
I muse on the work of Your hands.
I spread out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You like a thirsty land. 

Answer me speedily, O Lord;
My spirit fails!
Do not hide Your face from me,
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift up my soul to You." - Psalm 143:1-8

 He will hear our prayers. He will send light into our darkness. He will not condemn us for our sins, for He has forgiven us in Christ. He will satisfy our longing souls "as with marrow and fatness!" For "His compassions fail not. They are new every morning!" And when my spirit is overwhelmed within me, I can cry out to Him and He will not despise me for my weakness or grow impatient with my stumbles and hesitations, because He loves me. He loves me unfailingly and unconditionally! That is a truth to hold close to my ever-changing heart! In the fiercest of storms, in the darkest of nights, in the depths of self-condemnation, this I know, and this I can hold fast to: that my God has called me His beloved, and He will never cause His love for me to lessen or to cease.

Living boldly

Is it a compliment for my agnostic friend to tells me that I seem very open-minded? I'm sure he meant it as a compliment, so I suppose a better question to ask would be: is that a description that I should be seeking to earn or happy to win?

In conversations about religion I tend to give other people a chance to talk, and laugh at their jokes instead of nitpicking the theology underlying them, and do my best to respect their views and listen to what they have to say. I don't talk too much myself, partly because I don't usually talk much except with people who are very close to me, and partly because I feel that what I believe could be so easily misunderstood and I don't want to give the wrong impression. But maybe by simply not frequently airing my own personal beliefs I have done exactly that, and given the wrong impression I feared so much.

If by open-minded all that is meant is that I respect other people's opinions and don't judge or hate them because they believe what I think is false, then I am glad if it is true of me! On the other hand, if the word implies that I don't hold to a firm belief myself, or that I think all beliefs are equally valid and true, then it cuts me to the heart that I could be described that way. I am worried that my witness is hidden by my desire to be liked and to fit in - above all, to not be stereotyped with all the derogatory labels that have been given to Christians (some deservingly, some not so much).

For me, it is a wake-up call to live more boldly in my faith: to be more forthcoming with what I believe to be true and important and good, to consistently be in all places the passionate follower of Christ that I long to be, and (while still respecting others) to stand up for my beliefs when the occasion arises. I believe in God, do I not? So I can and should learn to live that belief more openly.

The wonder of all loves

This is love: that after a weekend of being physically and emotionally miserable, unable to give much time or energy to Paul or to the house, I got to come home from work Monday to hugs and kisses and an evening spent together (being relatively nerdy and watching WWII documentaries!). His love for me comes from his heart, where the Spirit of God dwells, and so he loves me regardless of how well I am loving him in return. That is true love, because it is like God's love.

This is love: that after years of taking out all our sorrows and frustrations on Him in anger and bitterness - after lifetimes spent ignoring His voice and spitting on His extended hand of grace and goodness - after countless times of turning away, shutting Him out, closing our ears and our eyes and our hearts - we can still come home to His embrace, to bask in His presence where there is peace and joy beyond compare and, most of all, Himself, God with us. His love is utterly unconditional, pouring down upon us regardless of how often we sin or how frequently we fall away. If only we would turn and see it - like a girl turning east to suddenly see (and marvel how she had not turned before!) the sun rising in a swirl of color and cloud, in splendor and hope - we could lose ourselves in the wonder of its beauty and the glory of its power. That is true love, because it is God's love.

Thank You for this love that knocks me down and carries me away in gratitude and awe, Lord - that stretches the bounds of my mind, that sinks lower and rises higher than I can comprehend, and that never ever leaves me! And thank You for the loves that illuminate Your love by being like it and stemming from it, that help me to understand Your love more completely, and fill my heart with gladness and peace. You are great, O Lord, and Your gifts to us in our lowliness and weakness are more great and good than my heart or my mind can fully grasp.