In my ideal world I would know what I wanted to do with my life, have a plan for accomplishing it, and be happily embarked upon said plan (I also wouldn't have this little cut on my finger that makes typing so uncomfortable, but I digress...). My goal would involve serving God, having a family, and making a difference in individual lives and in society as a whole, and all of this would be neatly packaged into one coherent vision and dream for my future.
In the real world, I don't even have the first little piece of this down.
It's been a great cause of stress and anxiety these past few weeks, as Paul's plans and hopes are becoming a lot more solid and the prospect of real change in our lives is starting to loom on the horizon. It is very likely that I will only be working at my current job until the middle or end of this summer, and after that I'll have to decide what to do with myself. Do I find another similar job in whatever city we move to for Paul's physical therapy program? Do I pursue a master's degree in a related field? Or do I drastically change things in my life and find a job or obtain a higher degree in a different field, maybe something involving ministry? What would I enjoy more? What would be better in the long run? What would be the right path to choose? I've been terrified of making the wrong choice - but I've defined that "wrong choice" in such a way that I'm not sure if any choice could be right! After all, how do I make a career or education choice now if I don't have a clear vision for the future?
In the midst of this whirlpool of questions and worries and doubts, a thought came to me. Maybe, since I don't have a clear vision for the future, I need to find out what is best for the present time. Maybe instead of wondering where I'd like to be in 10 years, and centering my life around that goal I ought to consider the circumstances in which God has placed me now and in the near foreseeable future and endeavor to determine what course would be best in those circumstances. I'm not in any way suggesting that I be irresponsible about the future - I'm just thinking that because I have a lack of vision for myself I should look at the things God has given me to see now, choose based on what I can and do know, and let God deal with the future.
Another thought that came to me as I thought and prayed about these things was that while I don't have a definite vision or dream for my future, Paul does have a vision for his future. He knows the career he is called to, and he is actively pursuing it. Maybe as his wife - as the person intended by God to be his supporter and encourager - I can work for the fulfillment of his dream. Not having a dream of my own right now may be the perfect opportunity for me to help Paul reach his. In the cold light of worldly practicality that might seem like too high of a risk. Why should I work for the next few years instead of immediately pursuing higher education, just to make it easier for Paul to get his degree? What if he leaves, or something happens to him? Well, he won't leave. That worry can be set aside. But it is true that something could happen to him. You know what, though? Love takes risks. That particular risk might not be the one I take; my plans are still completely unsettled. Just because it is risky, though, doesn't mean it might not be the best choice, at this time, for me.
Through all of this, I am starting to learn that life has chapters. All the joy doesn't come at one time, leaving the rest to be a preparation or a letdown. The good of a higher degree could come next year, or in ten years, or in twenty; the good of investing in my husband by working while he gets his degree might be the joy of this chapter instead. And whenever the good does come, and whatever the good may be in this particular chapter, what matters is that I am following God and loving the people He has put into my life. With this plan to guide every little step each day, it is ok that I don't have a clear vision for my overall and long-term future right now (although I still would very much like one!). My ideal world, however, where I know the direction I should go and how everything will work together, must be set aside in favor of the real world if I am to keep following God; if He does not reveal the road more than a step at a time, my duty (and my joy!) is to take the step that is revealed and trust Him to show me the next one, not to endlessly delay until the whole course is made plain. I will be faithful in the small steps I take in the fog, trusting Him to lead me on the path He has chosen for me, and who know what joys await me on that road?
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