Marriage is hard because I am a sinner

I've decided that marriage is hard, but not in the ways people warned me about.

They told me we would have disagreements and fights and get angry at each other over trivial things. They told me that we would both begin the marriage with unrealistic expectations of the other person, and have to deal with the disappointment of realizing they weren't all we thought they would be. They told me we would have conflicts over the patterns of daily life, like who uses the shower when, and how clean the room should be, and what time someone ought to be home. Have we had any of that? Yes, most definitely. (And mostly because of me - Paul has been really patient, understanding, and thoughtful through this whole transition period). But that hasn't really been the hardest part for me.

You know what's hard? What's hard is coming home after a long day and simultaneously wanting to cry in his arms, cool off by myself with a book, make him dinner because I love him, and hear how his day went. What's hard is learning how to manage my needs and wants and his needs and wants at the same time, without burning out and crashing or being totally self-centered. What's hard is wanting to love and be loved while at the same time being petrified with fear that he'll be upset with me or reject me. What's hard is overcoming the emotions that keep me from trusting someone I know to be incredibly trustworthy, and not spiraling downward into inaction from feeling like such a failure in that area. What's hard is wanting to be perfect for him because he's so wonderful, and constantly falling short. What's hard is needing to receive grace from Paul and from God just to get through normal life. Sigh.

I guess marriage is hard for me because it puts so much strain on my pride, my proud and arrogant desire to be self-sufficient and independent, and my impossible wish to be able to give love without being vulnerable in response. If that is why, though, it's a good reason. Those things need to be dethroned! Hopefully these hard aspects of marriage will be a catalyst to deepen my relationship with God, my understanding of His grace, and my love for Paul - and then it will all be worth it :)

Interim

Why have I waited almost a week to post again? Honestly, I don't feel like I have had any thoughts worth telling anyone about. I've still been thinking a lot, but some of it is too personal to share online and the rest of it hasn't really been coming together coherently for me. And it's hard to feel like I have any thoughts worth sharing with anyone when I struggle with feeling worthless as whole, so that really drains my motivation to write. But I will return with thoughts, once I've been able to spend time sleeping and reading the Word and talking to God (in other words, once I've restored and reoriented my heart). Thank you for your patience!

A bit of a teaser - I received wedding pictures, so I'll post some with commentary here, and then I can post pictures from Sequoia with some of the stories we gathered from our week there! So that should be fun :)

To be a woman after the feminist revolution

Sometimes it seems like one of the major effects of the feminist revolution was to put pressure on women to do and be everything, to demand perfection and 100% effort not just in the home but also in the workplace.

Don't misunderstand me! I am so grateful for the freedoms I have that women just a few generations before me didn't have - that I can go to college and grad school without being viewed as odd or strange, that I don't have to deal with a sexist boss like my mom did, that I have had no problem finding a job in scientific research (a field traditionally male-dominated). I'm thankful for birth control that gives me the option to postpone child-bearing until after I've had the chance to get my degree and begin my career. And I'm exceedingly happy that I can vote, and that my views and opinions aren't looked down on because I'm a woman!

But at the same time, I sometimes wish things were different - that I could choose to stay home with my children and teach them myself without feeling or being told that I was putting unfair pressure on my husband by not working outside the home, or that I could work part time to his full time and be able to make and maintain the home as a place of love, order, and wonder. I mean, at this point in my life it really doesn't matter because I don't have kids and I love working full time! But someday we'll have to make a decision about children and careers and I'll have to give something up.

The myth of modern life, which I think is pushed especially at women since the feminist movement, is that you can do everything and have it all. I grew up never thinking about whether I'd rather be primarily a mother and homemaker or primarily a career woman - I just planned for both and figured I'd do it all! But now that I'm older and (hopefully!) wiser I'm realizing that it just isn't possible. To really have a great career in my field would mean I would have to lose so many of the irreplaceable, magic moments of seeing my children grow and blossom. But if I didn't work outside the home at all, I would miss it a lot. I love science. I love biology, I love research, I love programming, I love analysis and modeling and hypothesizing and learning, and I don't want to lose that! Also, I really do feel like it would put a lot of pressure on my husband, and I don't want him to have to feel like the financial security of the whole family is resting entirely on his shoulders.

So, I'm very glad I don't have to decide this all right now! Unless rather significant unplanned events occur, I've got a few years to think about it before the issue presents itself. I guess I'm just a worrier sometimes :P But what do you think? Do you women feel that pressure as well, or is it just me? Where do you find the balance lies in your life and personal circumstances?

To my dad, on Father's Day

Ok, I know it isn't Father's Day anymore and I'm a day late with this post. But I spent most of yesterday actually spending time with my dad, so I think that absolves me of any guilt here :)

My dad is one of the most loving men I know. He is intelligent, curious, skilled, inventive, creative, efficient at anything he does, a deep thinker, and so on, but under it all there is this core of love and concern for the people close to him. He is so generous, not just in the typical sense of the word but with his time and energy as well - he has always taken the time to learn about what my siblings and I were interested in so that he could enjoy those things with us, and no matter how busy or stressed he has been about work, he has always made time to spend with us. There have been times when I've misread his concern as criticism of choices I've made (as in, why are you worrying about me? Do you think I've done something foolish or wrong?), but he has never meant it that way.

I think one of my favorite recent moments with my dad was at my wedding rehearsal a few weeks ago, when we were waiting in the pastor's office for our turn to enter the sanctuary, and we just talked. Not about the future, or plans, or worries - just about ideas and thoughts and books and the present. It was like when I was younger and told him all my thoughts about everything, without any stress or fear of not measuring up, because I finally realized what I've been confused about for the past couple years: my dad loves me for who I am, and would do pretty much anything for me. His goal isn't to criticize my choices, just to dialogue about them with me to help me think through them thoroughly and make the best decision. And then the next day I got to walk down the aisle with him, and he gave me away - but everything he gave me and taught me and showed me through his example I will carry in my heart for as long I live.

Thank you for everything, Dad :)

Broken love

When I tell Paul I love him, sometimes he responds by saying thank you, and sometimes when he tells me he loves me, I respond by saying thank you. The love of another person is such a precious gift! They are choosing to give their trust, affection, time, service, and so on to an imperfect fellow human, risking the hurt of rejection or loss, setting aside their own self-interests. It's pretty unbelievable, when you stop and think about it. Who am I, that I would deserve the love of another person? Who are any of us, to deserve any kind of love? We've all hurt those who love us (at least, I know I have, and knowing human nature it's pretty likely that most everyone else has too), but we still end up receiving love from others.

That's only one side of the coin, though.

When I tell Paul I love him, sometimes I feel like I'm saying empty words because what I call love - the feelings, the desire, the commitment, the trust - falls so short of what God calls love. (I don't know if he feels that way too sometimes.) The love that is never provoked, never boasts, is never rude, thinks no evil, and so on - you know the passage - that's not the love I have to give to the people that matter to me. My love is quite easily provoked. My love has to work hard sometimes not to think the worst of someone when something is unknown in a situation. My love fails. My love is broken. But I still want to give it, and more than that I want to give as much of God's love coming through me as I can, because it is only by His love that I can love truly and beautifully.

Offering a broken love, and receiving it with thanks, both take place in humble recognition of human sinfulness. I have nothing of my own to give, but I give all that I have to the one I love. I deserve nothing, but I receive what you give me as grace. In both actions I lay my solitary self down and choose to enter into relationship, to trust another person and open up my very heart to them. And in both actions I set aside my pride - the pride that makes me want to perfect my love before I give it to another person, for fear of failing, and that makes me want to prove my self-sufficiency by getting on just fine without receiving someone else's love. So even though it's broken, our love can reflect God's love and really be something to be thankful for :)

The idea of significance in vocation

One of my strongest desires is to do something really significant for God with my life - to have a career that truly makes a difference in the world, to live a life that touches more people than just the few (mostly white) suburban Americans I interact with now, to leave a legacy of love and mission for God that people will remember. But then I look at myself, and at the skills and talents that I have, and the chances of ever fulfilling this desire seem rather small. I mean, I really don't have much talent at things like interacting with people or deepening and maintaining friendships or beginning relationships that could be more than just superficial. I'm not skilled at preaching or teaching (except for young children because they don't intimidate me quite as much). I will willingly give time and energy to make you food if you need it, or invite you over to my house if you need someone to talk to or a place to stay, or even visit you and try to serve you if you're sick and need some help, but I can't guarantee that I'll do any of that well! So a career that revolves around personal interactions, like a career in ministry or foreign missions, would be extremely hard for me and I don't think I'd be doing it very well. On top of that, I'd be ignoring a lot of the talents that God did give me.

When I look at the things that interest me and that I'm good at, however, I feel a bit dejected. I find so much pleasure in programming and science (especially biology); I can stay focused on and remember details and can enjoy even tedious work if I have to concentrate while I do it; I have a great memory; I am quite good at problem-solving; and so on. Academically, God has given me some talent - more there than just about anywhere else, anyway :P But the careers that hold the most appeal for me - research, molecular biology, bioinformatics, etc. - seem to be so lacking in the significance factor. What kind of eternal impact can I be making if my job involves sitting at a computer analyzing data and modeling proteins? If this is the vocation God's designed me for, why is it so inferior to those other ones that I desire, that make a visible difference in the world and for eternity?

Today I found a very thought-provoking article about the concepts of vocation and radical Christianity. Does being a radical Christian - being sold out for God and seeking to follow Him wholeheartedly - mean that we have to be in some sort of missions, ministry, or service-oriented career? Maybe different vocations, regardless of how significant they seem, are all on the same level because they are all established and called by God. Or maybe what matters isn't finding the most important vocation and getting into it, but finding the vocation to which God has called you, and pursuing that. Hmm, more for me to think about, and definitely more encouraging thoughts this time :)