Emotionally, it doesn't really make a difference. As logistically difficult as having a child would be right now, it hurt so much to have those hopes dashed when I had begun to think a child was actually already here. Honestly, I was angry at God. It felt like He was teasing me, or mocking me - like He was blowing up my bubble of happiness and expectation so big just so He could shatter it. Because He is in control of all these things, you know? He knows that my cycle is like clockwork, and He knew how excited I would get at the thought of having a baby with Paul (like a living overflow of our love), and yet He still caused it to happen. It just didn't seem very fair or nice of Him to do something like that. So I simmered away all day, trying not to be angry at God but still feeling hurt when I thought about it.
Before we went to our church service at 5, while Paul was showering, I listened to an Adventures in Odyssey program that just so happened to be about Job. The part that has always confused me the most about Job was God's response to Job at the end of the book, because it doesn't really address any of the things that Job had been suffering or discussing throughout the rest of the book. God simply reveals Himself in His glory, wisdom, power, and love. In the Adventures in Odyssey, they point out that Job's primary sin is one of self-righteousness - he perceives himself as being righteous and thus perceives his circumstances as unfair, implying that God is unjust. And it struck me that maybe I was doing that same thing - thinking that I didn't deserve to have my hopes raised and then crushed, that God was unjust or unloving to allow that to happen. I was taking my belief about what should happen in my life and using that to judge God's character and actions - and at the end of Job, the question left hanging is "who am I, a man, that I should judge the God who made and sustains me?" So, ever so gently, through a humorous children's program, God began to point out my self-righteous and presumptuous attitude about the whole situation.
Then, when we got to church, the assistant pastor opened the service with a scripture reading (as is usual) from the book of Job (which is not) - and it was from chapter 38, where God is showing Job His power and asking him who he thinks he is. Okay God, obviously this is something You really want me to understand, and something that You want me to repent of. God doesn't do things flippantly or carelessly, as if He were playing games with our lives, nor does He take joy in our sorrows or cause us pain for no reason. Whatever happened, I ought to trust Him to have a good and holy purpose as He is a good and holy God, you know? And as we were singing the final song of the night, I realized that even though God did not give me this good gift now (like I had thought He was for a few days there) - and even if He never does, as hard and disappointing as that would be! - He has already given me the greatest gift He could ever give: His redeeming grace, through His own Son Jesus Christ. In that alone is undeniable proof of His goodness and His love towards me! A hurt like my situation this morning shouldn't make me doubt His goodness when I know that He has given His Son for my eternal salvation, blessing, and glory :) So as we sang (and as I sang with tears in the sorrow of repentance and the joy of being loved), "it is well, it is well, with my soul."
