Monday, October 31, 2011
A melancholy portrait
As the world tends downwards, and as sin hinders love, a secret sorrow deepens in the heart of a woman. Regrets build up as the years go by - "Why did I date that boy in college? Why didn't I pursue that dream I once had? Why didn't I use my time more wisely when I had more of it? Why didn't I take life seriously when I was younger instead of letting its burdens and responsibilities catch me unawares? Why did I stop reading great books or listening to great music?", and so on - and the walls and the roof of her future close in ominously. Vision narrows, and hope fades. While she knows she has a good life and is doing good things for the people she loves, she has resigned herself to a lack of greatness. She goes through her days dutifully performing the tasks set before her, with an empty soul yearning for some great purpose. Having given up on ever fulfilling her dreams, she limits the scope of her goals and ambitions so that her regret might not come upon her so fiercely. She remembers the words she once heard - that the good is the eternal enemy of the best - but she remembers them in vain, because the good has already conquered. Step by careless step she has forsaken the best her whole life in favor of the good, the expected, the choices that make her family and community satisfied; step by reckless step she has abandoned the crazy single-minded devotion that could have made her life a shining witness to God's glory and power and changed the world. Step by selfish step she has chosen the easy and the accepted, and found too late that joy and fulfillment lay elsewhere. Is it any wonder that sadness dwells in the hidden mazes of her striving, longing, foolish heart?
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Contentment, commitment, and love
Love is founded on commitment. It is what allows love to rise above the ebb and flow of emotions to become something enduring and precious. So in order to have a truly lasting love, it is necessary to set your will beneath it - to choose, when emotions are high and love seems to carry all away before it, to keep loving even when those emotions have disappeared and the intoxicating aroma of new love has faded away.
Of all the things that erode this determination of the will, discontentment is, I think, one of the most potent. Cultivating an attitude of discontent will inevitably eat away at one's commitment to another person and thus destroy one's love for that person from within. There is always a fault to be found in one's current situation or with a particular friend or with one's husband or wife. Especially for someone idealistic like me, who is always searching for the best in any situation, it is easy to see those shortcomings! When I was single, for example, I often longed for the union and deep mutual knowing and love of marriage, and now within marriage I keep wondering how our relationship and service to God could be improved and am tempted to compare our marriage with others. Instead of finding ways to serve and honor God at my current job and time of life, I wish that I could be in a more active ministry or even in foreign missions. In every case, the issue lies within my heart: I fail to see the opportunities that lie in my present situation, looking rather at the multitude of opportunities that abound in different situations all around me. I choose to focus on the shortcomings of where I am now instead of on the great blessings that are hidden in these circumstances, and in so doing I allow my heart to be filled with dissatisfaction and discontent - and my love diminishes.
Whence, then does true contentment come? How can I be content in the circumstances and relationships I have now instead of yearning for something else? It comes from the Lord God. If my heart has found its rest in Christ, then it derives full satisfaction from Him alone, regardless of where my life may take me. As the psalmist said,
Of all the things that erode this determination of the will, discontentment is, I think, one of the most potent. Cultivating an attitude of discontent will inevitably eat away at one's commitment to another person and thus destroy one's love for that person from within. There is always a fault to be found in one's current situation or with a particular friend or with one's husband or wife. Especially for someone idealistic like me, who is always searching for the best in any situation, it is easy to see those shortcomings! When I was single, for example, I often longed for the union and deep mutual knowing and love of marriage, and now within marriage I keep wondering how our relationship and service to God could be improved and am tempted to compare our marriage with others. Instead of finding ways to serve and honor God at my current job and time of life, I wish that I could be in a more active ministry or even in foreign missions. In every case, the issue lies within my heart: I fail to see the opportunities that lie in my present situation, looking rather at the multitude of opportunities that abound in different situations all around me. I choose to focus on the shortcomings of where I am now instead of on the great blessings that are hidden in these circumstances, and in so doing I allow my heart to be filled with dissatisfaction and discontent - and my love diminishes.
Whence, then does true contentment come? How can I be content in the circumstances and relationships I have now instead of yearning for something else? It comes from the Lord God. If my heart has found its rest in Christ, then it derives full satisfaction from Him alone, regardless of where my life may take me. As the psalmist said,
"How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God!Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings.They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house,And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures." - Psalm 36:7-8If my deep satisfaction comes from God, then I don't need to look for it in my situation, and I can even have the joy in my heart necessary to see the good and the beautiful in my circumstances no matter what they are. With this contentment, then (stemming from God and opening my eyes to the many blessings I have in my current position), I can strengthen my commitment to the ones I love, and thus build a more lasting love for them.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
My soul longs for You like a thirsty land
I am a person of many moods. A compliment, a glimpse of light on falling water, a butterfly, a feeling of God's goodness or nearness, or a fascinating idea, can send me soaring crazily high into happiness. On the other hand, a small troubling thought, a worry about something almost insignificant, a failure to accomplish everything on my to-do list, or a feeling that someone (especially God!) may not be pleased with me, can send me spiraling downward in seconds. In the same day I can be almost overwhelmed with joy, praising God and rejoicing in the blessings He has given me, and then be burdened with the feelings of guilt and unworthiness to the point where it is difficult for me to do anything at all.
Because of this tendency of mine to ride an emotional roller coaster, I have found it extremely important to keep my mind meditating on the truth of God's word. If His promises aren't there in my heart, then I have no guard against those things that would weary my soul and empty my heart of hope. So I read Scripture, and I memorize verses (Psalms are especially encouraging), and I delight in the Lord who loves me, and His word encourages me. But in the darkest times - when the light of joy seems to have set like the sun beyond the horizon, and the night stretches out around me, starless and moonless and void - in those times, my only recourse is to cry out to my God, and cling to Him desperately, my Rock and my Deliverer.
And I found today that the great pray-er of prayers, whose very cries to God were inspired by God, has been in that place, and lifted up his voice to God with words that I can also speak when my own words fail to come from the heavy ache inside me (forgive me for quoting so much of this psalm here; it is just so meaningful to me).
Because of this tendency of mine to ride an emotional roller coaster, I have found it extremely important to keep my mind meditating on the truth of God's word. If His promises aren't there in my heart, then I have no guard against those things that would weary my soul and empty my heart of hope. So I read Scripture, and I memorize verses (Psalms are especially encouraging), and I delight in the Lord who loves me, and His word encourages me. But in the darkest times - when the light of joy seems to have set like the sun beyond the horizon, and the night stretches out around me, starless and moonless and void - in those times, my only recourse is to cry out to my God, and cling to Him desperately, my Rock and my Deliverer.
And I found today that the great pray-er of prayers, whose very cries to God were inspired by God, has been in that place, and lifted up his voice to God with words that I can also speak when my own words fail to come from the heavy ache inside me (forgive me for quoting so much of this psalm here; it is just so meaningful to me).
"Hear my prayer, O Lord,
Give ear to my supplications!
In Your faithfulness answer me,
And in Your righteousness.
Do not enter into judgment with Your servant,
For in Your sight no one living is righteous.
For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the ground;
He has made me dwell in darkness,
Like those who have long been dead.
Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart within me is distressed.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all Your works;
I muse on the work of Your hands.
I spread out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You like a thirsty land.
Answer me speedily, O Lord;He will hear our prayers. He will send light into our darkness. He will not condemn us for our sins, for He has forgiven us in Christ. He will satisfy our longing souls "as with marrow and fatness!" For "His compassions fail not. They are new every morning!" And when my spirit is overwhelmed within me, I can cry out to Him and He will not despise me for my weakness or grow impatient with my stumbles and hesitations, because He loves me. He loves me unfailingly and unconditionally! That is a truth to hold close to my ever-changing heart! In the fiercest of storms, in the darkest of nights, in the depths of self-condemnation, this I know, and this I can hold fast to: that my God has called me His beloved, and He will never cause His love for me to lessen or to cease.
My spirit fails!
Do not hide Your face from me,
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift up my soul to You." - Psalm 143:1-8
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Living boldly
Is it a compliment for my agnostic friend to tells me that I seem very open-minded? I'm sure he meant it as a compliment, so I suppose a better question to ask would be: is that a description that I should be seeking to earn or happy to win?
In conversations about religion I tend to give other people a chance to talk, and laugh at their jokes instead of nitpicking the theology underlying them, and do my best to respect their views and listen to what they have to say. I don't talk too much myself, partly because I don't usually talk much except with people who are very close to me, and partly because I feel that what I believe could be so easily misunderstood and I don't want to give the wrong impression. But maybe by simply not frequently airing my own personal beliefs I have done exactly that, and given the wrong impression I feared so much.
If by open-minded all that is meant is that I respect other people's opinions and don't judge or hate them because they believe what I think is false, then I am glad if it is true of me! On the other hand, if the word implies that I don't hold to a firm belief myself, or that I think all beliefs are equally valid and true, then it cuts me to the heart that I could be described that way. I am worried that my witness is hidden by my desire to be liked and to fit in - above all, to not be stereotyped with all the derogatory labels that have been given to Christians (some deservingly, some not so much).
For me, it is a wake-up call to live more boldly in my faith: to be more forthcoming with what I believe to be true and important and good, to consistently be in all places the passionate follower of Christ that I long to be, and (while still respecting others) to stand up for my beliefs when the occasion arises. I believe in God, do I not? So I can and should learn to live that belief more openly.
In conversations about religion I tend to give other people a chance to talk, and laugh at their jokes instead of nitpicking the theology underlying them, and do my best to respect their views and listen to what they have to say. I don't talk too much myself, partly because I don't usually talk much except with people who are very close to me, and partly because I feel that what I believe could be so easily misunderstood and I don't want to give the wrong impression. But maybe by simply not frequently airing my own personal beliefs I have done exactly that, and given the wrong impression I feared so much.
If by open-minded all that is meant is that I respect other people's opinions and don't judge or hate them because they believe what I think is false, then I am glad if it is true of me! On the other hand, if the word implies that I don't hold to a firm belief myself, or that I think all beliefs are equally valid and true, then it cuts me to the heart that I could be described that way. I am worried that my witness is hidden by my desire to be liked and to fit in - above all, to not be stereotyped with all the derogatory labels that have been given to Christians (some deservingly, some not so much).
For me, it is a wake-up call to live more boldly in my faith: to be more forthcoming with what I believe to be true and important and good, to consistently be in all places the passionate follower of Christ that I long to be, and (while still respecting others) to stand up for my beliefs when the occasion arises. I believe in God, do I not? So I can and should learn to live that belief more openly.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
The wonder of all loves
This is love: that after a weekend of being physically and emotionally miserable, unable to give much time or energy to Paul or to the house, I got to come home from work Monday to hugs and kisses and an evening spent together (being relatively nerdy and watching WWII documentaries!). His love for me comes from his heart, where the Spirit of God dwells, and so he loves me regardless of how well I am loving him in return. That is true love, because it is like God's love.
This is love: that after years of taking out all our sorrows and frustrations on Him in anger and bitterness - after lifetimes spent ignoring His voice and spitting on His extended hand of grace and goodness - after countless times of turning away, shutting Him out, closing our ears and our eyes and our hearts - we can still come home to His embrace, to bask in His presence where there is peace and joy beyond compare and, most of all, Himself, God with us. His love is utterly unconditional, pouring down upon us regardless of how often we sin or how frequently we fall away. If only we would turn and see it - like a girl turning east to suddenly see (and marvel how she had not turned before!) the sun rising in a swirl of color and cloud, in splendor and hope - we could lose ourselves in the wonder of its beauty and the glory of its power. That is true love, because it is God's love.
Thank You for this love that knocks me down and carries me away in gratitude and awe, Lord - that stretches the bounds of my mind, that sinks lower and rises higher than I can comprehend, and that never ever leaves me! And thank You for the loves that illuminate Your love by being like it and stemming from it, that help me to understand Your love more completely, and fill my heart with gladness and peace. You are great, O Lord, and Your gifts to us in our lowliness and weakness are more great and good than my heart or my mind can fully grasp.
This is love: that after years of taking out all our sorrows and frustrations on Him in anger and bitterness - after lifetimes spent ignoring His voice and spitting on His extended hand of grace and goodness - after countless times of turning away, shutting Him out, closing our ears and our eyes and our hearts - we can still come home to His embrace, to bask in His presence where there is peace and joy beyond compare and, most of all, Himself, God with us. His love is utterly unconditional, pouring down upon us regardless of how often we sin or how frequently we fall away. If only we would turn and see it - like a girl turning east to suddenly see (and marvel how she had not turned before!) the sun rising in a swirl of color and cloud, in splendor and hope - we could lose ourselves in the wonder of its beauty and the glory of its power. That is true love, because it is God's love.
Thank You for this love that knocks me down and carries me away in gratitude and awe, Lord - that stretches the bounds of my mind, that sinks lower and rises higher than I can comprehend, and that never ever leaves me! And thank You for the loves that illuminate Your love by being like it and stemming from it, that help me to understand Your love more completely, and fill my heart with gladness and peace. You are great, O Lord, and Your gifts to us in our lowliness and weakness are more great and good than my heart or my mind can fully grasp.
Monday, October 24, 2011
When the road ahead is hidden
In my ideal world I would know what I wanted to do with my life, have a plan for accomplishing it, and be happily embarked upon said plan (I also wouldn't have this little cut on my finger that makes typing so uncomfortable, but I digress...). My goal would involve serving God, having a family, and making a difference in individual lives and in society as a whole, and all of this would be neatly packaged into one coherent vision and dream for my future.
In the real world, I don't even have the first little piece of this down.
It's been a great cause of stress and anxiety these past few weeks, as Paul's plans and hopes are becoming a lot more solid and the prospect of real change in our lives is starting to loom on the horizon. It is very likely that I will only be working at my current job until the middle or end of this summer, and after that I'll have to decide what to do with myself. Do I find another similar job in whatever city we move to for Paul's physical therapy program? Do I pursue a master's degree in a related field? Or do I drastically change things in my life and find a job or obtain a higher degree in a different field, maybe something involving ministry? What would I enjoy more? What would be better in the long run? What would be the right path to choose? I've been terrified of making the wrong choice - but I've defined that "wrong choice" in such a way that I'm not sure if any choice could be right! After all, how do I make a career or education choice now if I don't have a clear vision for the future?
In the midst of this whirlpool of questions and worries and doubts, a thought came to me. Maybe, since I don't have a clear vision for the future, I need to find out what is best for the present time. Maybe instead of wondering where I'd like to be in 10 years, and centering my life around that goal I ought to consider the circumstances in which God has placed me now and in the near foreseeable future and endeavor to determine what course would be best in those circumstances. I'm not in any way suggesting that I be irresponsible about the future - I'm just thinking that because I have a lack of vision for myself I should look at the things God has given me to see now, choose based on what I can and do know, and let God deal with the future.
Another thought that came to me as I thought and prayed about these things was that while I don't have a definite vision or dream for my future, Paul does have a vision for his future. He knows the career he is called to, and he is actively pursuing it. Maybe as his wife - as the person intended by God to be his supporter and encourager - I can work for the fulfillment of his dream. Not having a dream of my own right now may be the perfect opportunity for me to help Paul reach his. In the cold light of worldly practicality that might seem like too high of a risk. Why should I work for the next few years instead of immediately pursuing higher education, just to make it easier for Paul to get his degree? What if he leaves, or something happens to him? Well, he won't leave. That worry can be set aside. But it is true that something could happen to him. You know what, though? Love takes risks. That particular risk might not be the one I take; my plans are still completely unsettled. Just because it is risky, though, doesn't mean it might not be the best choice, at this time, for me.
Through all of this, I am starting to learn that life has chapters. All the joy doesn't come at one time, leaving the rest to be a preparation or a letdown. The good of a higher degree could come next year, or in ten years, or in twenty; the good of investing in my husband by working while he gets his degree might be the joy of this chapter instead. And whenever the good does come, and whatever the good may be in this particular chapter, what matters is that I am following God and loving the people He has put into my life. With this plan to guide every little step each day, it is ok that I don't have a clear vision for my overall and long-term future right now (although I still would very much like one!). My ideal world, however, where I know the direction I should go and how everything will work together, must be set aside in favor of the real world if I am to keep following God; if He does not reveal the road more than a step at a time, my duty (and my joy!) is to take the step that is revealed and trust Him to show me the next one, not to endlessly delay until the whole course is made plain. I will be faithful in the small steps I take in the fog, trusting Him to lead me on the path He has chosen for me, and who know what joys await me on that road?
In the real world, I don't even have the first little piece of this down.
It's been a great cause of stress and anxiety these past few weeks, as Paul's plans and hopes are becoming a lot more solid and the prospect of real change in our lives is starting to loom on the horizon. It is very likely that I will only be working at my current job until the middle or end of this summer, and after that I'll have to decide what to do with myself. Do I find another similar job in whatever city we move to for Paul's physical therapy program? Do I pursue a master's degree in a related field? Or do I drastically change things in my life and find a job or obtain a higher degree in a different field, maybe something involving ministry? What would I enjoy more? What would be better in the long run? What would be the right path to choose? I've been terrified of making the wrong choice - but I've defined that "wrong choice" in such a way that I'm not sure if any choice could be right! After all, how do I make a career or education choice now if I don't have a clear vision for the future?
In the midst of this whirlpool of questions and worries and doubts, a thought came to me. Maybe, since I don't have a clear vision for the future, I need to find out what is best for the present time. Maybe instead of wondering where I'd like to be in 10 years, and centering my life around that goal I ought to consider the circumstances in which God has placed me now and in the near foreseeable future and endeavor to determine what course would be best in those circumstances. I'm not in any way suggesting that I be irresponsible about the future - I'm just thinking that because I have a lack of vision for myself I should look at the things God has given me to see now, choose based on what I can and do know, and let God deal with the future.
Another thought that came to me as I thought and prayed about these things was that while I don't have a definite vision or dream for my future, Paul does have a vision for his future. He knows the career he is called to, and he is actively pursuing it. Maybe as his wife - as the person intended by God to be his supporter and encourager - I can work for the fulfillment of his dream. Not having a dream of my own right now may be the perfect opportunity for me to help Paul reach his. In the cold light of worldly practicality that might seem like too high of a risk. Why should I work for the next few years instead of immediately pursuing higher education, just to make it easier for Paul to get his degree? What if he leaves, or something happens to him? Well, he won't leave. That worry can be set aside. But it is true that something could happen to him. You know what, though? Love takes risks. That particular risk might not be the one I take; my plans are still completely unsettled. Just because it is risky, though, doesn't mean it might not be the best choice, at this time, for me.
Through all of this, I am starting to learn that life has chapters. All the joy doesn't come at one time, leaving the rest to be a preparation or a letdown. The good of a higher degree could come next year, or in ten years, or in twenty; the good of investing in my husband by working while he gets his degree might be the joy of this chapter instead. And whenever the good does come, and whatever the good may be in this particular chapter, what matters is that I am following God and loving the people He has put into my life. With this plan to guide every little step each day, it is ok that I don't have a clear vision for my overall and long-term future right now (although I still would very much like one!). My ideal world, however, where I know the direction I should go and how everything will work together, must be set aside in favor of the real world if I am to keep following God; if He does not reveal the road more than a step at a time, my duty (and my joy!) is to take the step that is revealed and trust Him to show me the next one, not to endlessly delay until the whole course is made plain. I will be faithful in the small steps I take in the fog, trusting Him to lead me on the path He has chosen for me, and who know what joys await me on that road?
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