When the road ahead is hidden

In my ideal world I would know what I wanted to do with my life, have a plan for accomplishing it, and be happily embarked upon said plan (I also wouldn't have this little cut on my finger that makes typing so uncomfortable, but I digress...). My goal would involve serving God, having a family, and making a difference in individual lives and in society as a whole, and all of this would be neatly packaged into one coherent vision and dream for my future.

In the real world, I don't even have the first little piece of this down.

It's been a great cause of stress and anxiety these past few weeks, as Paul's plans and hopes are becoming a lot more solid and the prospect of real change in our lives is starting to loom on the horizon. It is very likely that I will only be working at my current job until the middle or end of this summer, and after that I'll have to decide what to do with myself. Do I find another similar job in whatever city we move to for Paul's physical therapy program? Do I pursue a master's degree in a related field? Or do I drastically change things in my life and find a job or obtain a higher degree in a different field, maybe something involving ministry? What would I enjoy more? What would be better in the long run? What would be the right path to choose? I've been terrified of making the wrong choice - but I've defined that "wrong choice" in such a way that I'm not sure if any choice could be right! After all, how do I make a career or education choice now if I don't have a clear vision for the future?

In the midst of this whirlpool of questions and worries and doubts, a thought came to me. Maybe, since I don't have a clear vision for the future, I need to find out what is best for the present time. Maybe instead of wondering where I'd like to be in 10 years, and centering my life around that goal I ought to consider the circumstances in which God has placed me now and in the near foreseeable future and endeavor to determine what course would be best in those circumstances. I'm not in any way suggesting that I be irresponsible about the future - I'm just thinking that because I have a lack of vision for myself I should look at the things God has given me to see now, choose based on what I can and do know, and let God deal with the future.

Another thought that came to me as I thought and prayed about these things was that while I don't have a definite vision or dream for my future, Paul does have a vision for his future. He knows the career he is called to, and he is actively pursuing it. Maybe as his wife - as the person intended by God to be his supporter and encourager - I can work for the fulfillment of his dream. Not having a dream of my own right now may be the perfect opportunity for me to help Paul reach his. In the cold light of worldly practicality that might seem like too high of a risk. Why should I work for the next few years instead of immediately pursuing higher education, just to make it easier for Paul to get his degree? What if he leaves, or something happens to him? Well, he won't leave. That worry can be set aside. But it is true that something could happen to him. You know what, though? Love takes risks. That particular risk might not be the one I take; my plans are still completely unsettled. Just because it is risky, though, doesn't mean it might not be the best choice, at this time, for me.

Through all of this, I am starting to learn that life has chapters. All the joy doesn't come at one time, leaving the rest to be a preparation or a letdown. The good of a higher degree could come next year, or in ten years, or in twenty; the good of investing in my husband by working while he gets his degree might be the joy of this chapter instead. And whenever the good does come, and whatever the good may be in this particular chapter, what matters is that I am following God and loving the people He has put into my life. With this plan to guide every little step each day, it is ok that I don't have a clear vision for my overall and long-term future right now (although I still would very much like one!). My ideal world, however, where I know the direction I should go and how everything will work together, must be set aside in favor of the real world if I am to keep following God; if He does not reveal the road more than a step at a time, my duty (and my joy!) is to take the step that is revealed and trust Him to show me the next one, not to endlessly delay until the whole course is made plain. I will be faithful in the small steps I take in the fog, trusting Him to lead me on the path He has chosen for me, and who know what joys await me on that road?

The peace of an afternoon

The room is dim with the cool light coming through the covered windows, and the air is soft with the gentle breeze of the fan. From the kitchen, the smell of banana bread baking in the oven wafts out to accompany me in the quiet stillness of the afternoon. Across from me on the other couch my husband is sleeping, head curled down and legs stretched out, peacefully breathing in the rest that a man of such good heart deserves after a long and wearying week. I love watching him sleep, especially when it is sometimes so hard for him to sleep at night, knowing that he is finally able to get the rest he needs.

The laundry is done and the kitchen is cleaned; the bed is made, and even though the bathroom still needs work it's been a good day, a day of rest, a day of peace. It is a good gift of God, days like these.

Samuel and the stone of help

The people of Israel were terrified of the Philistines. The memory of their last conflict with them, more than twenty years ago, still lingered in their minds with a bitter and mournful taste: the ark of the Lord had been captured, the two sons of Eli the priest had been killed in the battle, and the old man himself had died on hearing the news. The ark had been returned after the Lord plagued the Philistines, but He'd also killed some Israelites because of that ark, so it wasn't a guarantee that the Lord would be on their side.

This new priest Samuel, however, truly knew God. In addition to being the priest of the Lord, he was a prophet, and the Lord let none of his words fall empty to the ground. So when he told the people of Israel that God would deliver them from the Philistines if they would stop serving other gods and worship Him alone, they listened even though their fears  still lay close to their hearts. While Samuel prayed on their behalf, all the people gathered together to repent of their idolatry and sacrifice to the Lord, and they fasted in the sorrow of the hearts as they realized the depth of their sin.

But as they gathered together in repentance, the Philistines thought they were gathered as a threat and a council of war, and in the confidence of their might they marched upon Israel, in whose hearts fear once again rose up. In their fear, however, they turned to the Lord their refuge and their strength, and He heard their cries and the prayers and offerings of His servant Samuel, and even as the Philistines drew near for battle He thundered against them with power and terror so that they were overcome by the people of Israel. He did not require strength or might or skill from His people - simply hearts that sought Him.

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up at the place of the battle and called it Ebenezer, which means "Stone of Help", as a memorial to the strength of the Lord in the help and defense of His people. The Philistines were not completely overthrown - this was still years before the famous story of David and Goliath - but it was important for them to commemorate the work of God as it happened, in the middle of the process, acknowledging His favor and grace even before the time of fulfillment. In the old language of the hymns we sing,

"Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I've come.
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home."

And we sing these words even though we might be in a place of sorrow or fear, and even though the home at which we seek to arrive seems incredibly distant and our hearts are weary and weak, because we have seen His help. He has been with us as He has been with all who have walked before us in our faith, and we can look to our memorial stones, the Ebenezers we establish at the times of great grace when His working is clear, to remind us that there is still a reason to trust Him when His help seems far away. I know I have many of these (one is an actual stone, which is neat; some are just memories), and in remembering His past faithfulness I am encouraged to trust in His present and future faithfulness, just as the people of Israel through all their future struggles with the Philistines might have been encouraged whenever they walked past or remembered this Ebenezer that Samuel established - when they returned to God and He fought against their enemies on their behalf and liberated them from their oppressors.

Dwelling in the word

"Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, 'If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.'" - John 8:31-32

 The word "abide" is incredibly rich (at least to me...). It is like the word "dwell" - there is this feeling of resting and remaining, of making a home. So His word is to be, in a sense, our home - the place where we live, the place to which we return for comfort and strength, the place in which we are nourished, loved, encouraged, and helped to grow. It is the place where our identities are formed (if we are truly abiding there), and where we establish habits and patterns of godliness in our lives.

A family home here on earth is full of flaws, no matter how full of love it is, because no one in it is perfect in himself or has perfect understanding of the other people dwelling there. There can be conflict, tension, and strife; parents may impart poor values to their children; people can isolate themselves even while living under the same roof, causing distance in their relationships; family members may expect too much from each other and give too little; someone might feel left out, lonely, or sad; and in the worst cases, abuse could happen.

But when we're abiding in the word, we're spending time in God's home. Here He is the Father, and He knows His children completely - so He draws us into His love in the ways that we can understand and receive it, and He teaches us what is right without introducing error or sin, and He raises us up to be beautiful and holy sons and daughters in Christ. If we are choosing not to abide in His word, we are choosing to miss out on this deeper communion with Him that comes from dwelling in His home. Come, seek Him in the place where He lives! Make your home with Him, and know His love!

"Even the sparrow has found a home,
And the swallow a nest for herself,
Where she may lay her young -
Even Your altars, O Lord of hosts,
My King and my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in Your house;
They will still be praising You." - Psalm 84:3-4

A rant about making decisions for the future

While randomly reading old archives on a recently discovered blog, To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, I found this quote:

"Just for fun, I recently asked readers on my Facebook page about the worst advice they had ever been given.
Many people seemed to regret their education. They didn’t pursue dreams because they were supposed to go to university, and now they have debt and no real joy in their jobs. Others, of course, regretted not getting an education in the first place."

This is the dilemma, isn't it? When you're trying to make choices about your future, do you invest in the education everyone thinks you should get, and potentially regret the sink of time, energy, and resources? Or do you forego the education to pursue what you think you want to do (or what you think God wants you to do), and later on have regrets because you aren't qualified for the jobs you want and your "dream" was just a passing whim of young adulthood?

I know that a lot of people - the prudent, cautious, "always have a back-up plan" people - advocate getting that education no matter what. Even if you don't plan on using it, apparently, it might be good to have at some unknown time in the future - if it isn't hopelessly outdated by then (for instance, getting a masters in a computing field now might not be that helpful twenty-five years from now when you're done being a stay-at-home mom and are looking to reenter the workforce!), or if your desires and outlook on life haven't totally changed over the years (somehow I don't think I'm going to be exactly the same person, with the same goals and priorities, when I'm nearing fifty... I'm hoping I'll have learned a lot more about life and about who I am!). Honestly, to me, it seems like it could be just a waste of your time, especially if it isn't something you're passionate about.

Steve Jobs, in his famous Stanford commencement speech, said this:

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

While I think it is really important to seek what God desires for you, and not just follow your heart blindly without His guidance, there is still a sense in which I emphatically agree with his words. If there is something your heart is burning for you to do, there is no point at all in getting a degree in a semi-related subject with better marketability just to have a back-up plan. I feel that if you're going to pursue something because it is your dream and the call of God in your life, you should pursue it wholeheartedly, without reservation or fear. If God is calling you in a specific direction - if your heart is longing to walk a certain path with Him - then put your hand to the plow and do not look back. Let Him be your safety net and your back-up plan. Trust Him with your worries and your fears and your questions about the future. If you can put your trust in a graduate degree to bring you food and financial stability in a time of crisis, surely you can find enough faith to trust the God and Creator of the universe to manage those same things.

"Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." - Matthew 6:28-33

Letting the dishes pile up

When something needs to be done, there are three possibilities that can occur. First, you can take care of it. Second, you can ignore it and let someone else take care of it. Third, you can ignore, and the other someones in your life can ignore it, and it will never get done (although you can opt out of this third path at any time...).

For example, if I come home late from work, tired after a long day, and I see a pile of dishes in the sink, I can wash them right then or I can ignore them and hope Paul will take care of them. If he does, I have successfully gotten away with not doing the dishes that night. But you know what else I have accomplished? I have succeeded in putting my interests above his - because no one does dishes just for the fun of it, and everyone is tired at the end of the day. I have succeeded in valuing my time more than his - because it is going to take one of us 10-15 minutes to clean it up, and if I think my time is more important, than it certainly won't be me (or I'll do it grudgingly with sighs or complaints). I have succeeded in putting my husband down and taking his love for me for granted instead of treasuring and respecting him.

On the other hand, if he doesn't do the dishes that night either, there are that many more dishes staring up at me the next morning when I'm trying to get ready for work, and the longer I let them sit there, the more they become a burden on me and on Paul - they make the kitchen messy and cluttered, impede anything productive in the kitchen (like making dinner!), and eventually reduce our clean dishes to the point where we're eating everything on napkins (this hasn't actually ever happened yet, thankfully! :) )

Do you see the issue? With something as trivial as dishes it doesn't really matter that much whether you deny yourself and get the job done. You may do it the next day, when the pile is beginning to drive you crazy, or when you aren't so tired. But with many other things in life it really does matter that you deny yourself when the task - or the opportunity, if you want to be optimistic - presents itself. If one of my friends is struggling with serious emotional or spiritual issues and wants to talk to me about them, I should take up that opportunity and fill that need no matter how inconvenient it may be, because that is what it looks like to consider others as better than myself, and that is how a Christian ought to be living. If Paul comes home from school discouraged and exhausted, I should lay hold of the opportunity to shower him with love, truth, and encouragement, even if I am also tired and emotionally weary, because that is what it means to put the needs of others before my own needs, and that is how a Christian ought to be living.

Obviously this isn't something we can do in our own strength (well, maybe some of you can, but I think most of us need God's grace and strength far more than we admit. I know I do). The wonderful and glorious truth, though - the one that enables us to do far harder tasks than we ever thought possible to meet the needs of other people - is that God will give us the strength we need to obey and honor Him. He has prepared good works for us to do, and if they are above our strength He will carry the rest of the load, if we ask Him to be our help.

And those little things like the dishes in the sink? They are our training-ground, our chance to practice denying ourselves so that when the opportunities come to do great things for the kingdom of God we will be prepared to give all that we have, through Him and for Him, in love and service to others.